Dear Heart, You Screwed Me(4)

Lifting my shoulders up, I stood tall as I swallowed the large lump down.

“Goodbye Elijah,” I whispered through choked sobs. I dipped my head down and walked towards the door, closing it behind me and not looking back.

That part of my life was over.

I had to move on.

Even if deep down, I didn’t want to.

I had no choice.

Stepping away on trembling legs, I screwed my face up and cried.





My trembling fingers wrapped round the handle of my large suitcase as I walked it into Heathrow Airport. I was moving to New York for a year on a temporary work visa, if Lordes PR were happy with me and my work, my visa would be extended and then I could look at moving to New York permanently. I had no clue about America, I had never travelled outside of the UK, I hadn’t even been to Scotland.

Boring, yes. But I was comfortable. Happy.

I still hadn’t made my mind up if I would like to live in New York or return home to Ongar. I had to say a quick goodbye to my parents, I didn’t want to linger any longer than I had too because if I held them, I wouldn’t want to let them go.

You’ve got this. I muttered to myself.

Pushing through the crowds I stopped in front of the departure board, desk twelve. I nodded, swallowing hard as I headed towards the check in.



Sitting on the plane, I was upgraded to first class. Apparently, my new boss called forward to have me moved. I wasn’t complaining but I felt so out of place. Letting out a shallow sigh, the air hostess appeared, smiling softly and handed me a glass of champagne. I smiled back at her, my trembling fingers wrapping round the stem before bringing it to my lips as she walked away to the next booth.

“Cheers to me,” I muttered, holding it up and knocking it back.

Waking from my nap, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. It took me a moment to realise where I was. Sitting up, I looked round, but nothing had changed. Shuffling forward in my seat I looked out the window, a little smile creeping on my face as I stared into the fluffy clouds. I always thought heaven sat on top of the clouds, but that wasn’t true. I didn’t even know if heaven even existed. My heart clenched in my chest, constricted, and twisting as pain crashed through me. When Elijah passed, I begged every night while I cried myself to sleep for him to show me that he was still here. Just to give me a sign, to give me anything.

I would have been happy with the smallest thing.

The memories shatter me, my eyes stinging with unshed tears. I honestly didn’t know how many more tears I had left to cry.

Elijah never came. He never gave me a sign. He never gave me anything.

That’s when I stopped believing in something more. In any hope of another realm. There was nothing but darkness, sadness and emptiness.

Nothing more.

The words that I begged into the darkness when Elijah died, echo round in my head on a loop. Show me you’re still here. Send me something to make me feel again. To make me remember what it was like to love you.

I swipe a lone tear away that runs down my cheek. I sniffle, leaning down and grab my battered, old diary.

I started this diary after Elijah died. My therapist thought it was a good idea for me to jot anything and everything down as it came to me. Fumbling around in my bag I grabbed a pen, turned the pages and started writing.

Dear Heart,

You screwed me.





My eyes fluttered closed for a moment before a tear fell from my lashes and splashed on the page, making the pen that I had just marked the pages with run.

Elijah,

Two years on and the pain hasn’t eased. It’s just become more bearable, which to be honest, makes me feel even worse.

I just don’t know why. The guilt eats me alive.

I have a hole the size of my fist punched through my heart, it’s just agape, a void filled with nothingness. Complete emptiness.



I’m empty and wrecked with grief.



New York. That’s where I am going. New life, new start… starting all over again but this time, I am alone.

Without you.

Without us.

Just me.

I miss you.

More than you will ever know.





And I sob. Quiet, choking, heart-breaking sobs before my eyes fall back to the clouds.

“Where are you?” I whisper.





CHAPTER 3





Walking out of JFK, the hot air hit me as soon as I was out of the building. The air felt sticky, but the warm sun on my skin felt amazing. I stood for a moment, my eyes taking in my surroundings. I was here. I was finally here. I snapped my head round as I looked at the line of yellow taxis and I don’t know why but it made me smile. I felt like I hadn’t smiled in months, yet a simple yellow taxi could do that. You forget sometimes how the little things in life mean the most when you have lost something big in your life.

Slipping in, the taxi driver placed my suitcases in the boot.

“Where to lady?” he asked, his eyes pinned to me in the rear-view mirror. His tone was curt but not rude.

“Er, let me check. Sorry.” I blushed as I grabbed my phone to search for my email. I heard the heavy sigh that left him before he tapped his finger on the meter that was running.

“The Plaza?” my voice was quiet as I fumbled to put my phone back in my bag.