By Virtue I Fall (Sins of the Fathers #3)(84)

I swallowed hard. I should have let go of Santino long before. I knew part of him had always hoped I’d choose him and maybe I’d played on that, but I simply had been too weak to be without him.

Leonas was right. I couldn’t keep doing this. Santino needed to live for himself. He couldn’t keep protecting me and waiting on me. He needed to find someone who deserved him more than I did. I’d been selfish for too long. If he survived, I’d finally give him free even if it crushed my heart.





I wiped over my eyes and nodded resolutely. I got ready and drove to the hospital with Mom and Leonas. I didn’t dare consider Santino not making it. He was strong. Nothing could stop him.

Mom took my hand and squeezed. “He did what he was meant to do. I’ll forever be grateful for that.”

She almost made it sound as if she wouldn’t be able to tell him that herself. The closer we got to the hospital, the stronger my fear became. I swallowed, tears springing into my eyes.

Leonas sent me a worried look. “He’s going to be fine.”

When we arrived in the hospital, we were ushered toward a waiting area where people sat while their loved ones were in surgery. Enzo sat in one of the uncomfortable, baby blue plastic chairs, his arms propped up on his thighs and his head hanging low. Beside him sat a girl I assumed was Santino’s younger sister Frederica. She had her arms wrapped around herself and was staring at the door that led toward the operating rooms. I hovered uncertainly in the entry. Mom headed straight for Enzo and sat down beside him, putting her hand on his shoulder. He peered up through bleary eyes. I took a resolute breath and walked toward them, then sank down in the vacant chair beside Frederica. She was dressed in the outfit all Novices had to wear, a white veil and black frock. She must have been in the final stages before taking her final vow. I’d never met her, but from the stories Santino had shared on occasion she seemed familiar.

She only briefly glanced my way but her eyes were vacant, staring through me. I acted on impulse and took her hand, squeezing it. It felt strange giving a nun comfort, but I reminded myself that she was human like me. A piece of a cross peeked out from her other hand.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

She finally looked at me. “For what?”

“Santino is in there because of me, because he wanted to protect me.”

“Santino lives for his job, for you.” She said the last part almost inaudibly and my heart clenched tightly. What was I doing?

The door swung open and a doctor stepped out. Enzo got up at once and headed for the man. The rest of us followed a few steps behind.

“He’s stable. We had to remove his spleen and he suffered internal bleeding. We’re monitoring him closely.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. Mom gave me a relieved smile.

Enzo and Frederica disappeared in the corridor leading to the waking room. I wanted to go with them, wanted to be there when Santino woke, but nobody knew of our bond, except for Frederica perhaps if I hadn’t misjudged her cryptic words. Maybe her status as a nun had made Santino comfortable to share our bond with her, though he’d never spoken kindly of her goal to become a nun.

I wasn’t sure what to do now. Mom talked with the doctor quietly, probably making sure that Santino got the very best treatment possible. The Outfit took care of theirs.

I wanted to see Santino so badly. I didn’t want to leave without seeing him. I couldn’t. When Mom was done talking to the doctor, she returned to my side. She squeezed my shoulder. “He’ll be fine.”

I nodded numbly. I couldn’t explain the bad feeling I had.

“Come on, let’s go home.”

I hesitated. Mom’s brows drew together. “There’s nothing we can do for him or his family right now. They are at his side. He needs his loved ones, that’s the most important thing right now.”

I felt sick and guilty. Santino loved me. I knew it with every fiber of my being. And I loved him, but sometimes love wasn’t enough. Sometimes we had to make the hard choice for the good of someone else.

Mom and I turned.

“Anna!” Frederica called.

I turned to her.

“Maybe you should be there too. I know how important guarding you was for Santino. He’s known you so so long.”

Surprise crossed Mom’s face then switched to a touched expression. Mom nodded, squeezed my hand once more, and I hurried toward Frederica.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“I’m doing this for Santino, Anna. I know you and him are on a very destructive path.”

I didn’t say anything, because what was there to say? She’d spoken the truth. And it didn’t matter why she allowed me to see Santino, only that she did.

When I entered Santino’s room, beeping machines and an antiseptic smell hit me. Enzo sat by Santino’s side.

I froze when I saw Santino. He looked terribly pale. Two transfusions flowed down into his arms, and machines monitored his bodily functions. His tall form dwarfed the bed but at the same time, he seemed to disappear into the mattress. It was a paradox I couldn’t explain myself.

I approached the bed slowly and touched his hand. I didn’t know what to say, what to do.

Enzo looked at me and shame washed over me. He knew too. Silent accusation lingered in his eyes, and I knew it wasn’t because Santino had taken a bullet for me.