Bittersweet Memories (Off-Limits #4)(29)

Alanna hesitates for a moment before walking toward me, both of us tensing when she crawls into bed. I rise to my feet and turn the light off before joining her in bed, trying my hardest to keep some distance from her.

I listen to the sound of her breathing, my heart shattering as it becomes more ragged, a soft sniff disturbing the silence that surrounds us.

She turns toward me, and I open my arms for her. Alanna bursts into tears, and I hold her as tightly as I can, her face buried in my neck. “Silas,” she cries, her entire body rocking from the force of her sobs.

I rub her back soothingly, my own heart breaking alongside hers. “Per aspera ad astra, remember?” I whisper. “Through adversity to the stars. I know everything feels hopeless, and I know you’re hurting, my love. I know. Just remember that this type of hardship will pass. It might not feel that way, but it will. Your path still leads straight to the stars. You’re just taking a detour, that’s all. Everything is going to be okay.”

She nods and tightens her grip on me, hugging me with all her strength. “It just hurts so much.”

“I know,” I whisper, wishing I could take her pain away and make it my own instead. “I know, baby.”

I hold her until her sobs die down and her breathing steadies, my arms wrapped tightly around her as she cries herself to sleep. I wish I could take away her sorrow and give her back her smile. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know it’s filled with adversity before she and I reach the stars.





Chapter Seventeen





Alanna



I blink slowly and snuggle closer before freezing suddenly, memories of last night coming to mind. I tense in Silas’s embrace when I become aware of his naked chest underneath my cheek, his arms wrapped tightly around me. I push away from him, and he startles awake.

“Ray,” he says, his voice low and sexy. This is how he always sounded on the phone, right before he fell asleep.

Silas sits up, facing me, a lazy smile on his face. I’ve missed him more than I dare to admit. It broke my heart each time I declined one of his calls, and I know I’ve hurt him too.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

Silas reaches for me and cups my cheek, his touch gentle. “Don’t be sorry, Ray. I’m just glad that you’re okay, that you’re safe.”

He runs a hand through his hair and sighs, drawing my attention to his chest and abs. I remember he was wearing a t-shirt when we went to bed… did I do something to him in my sleep?

Silas catches me staring and grins. “Sorry, Ray. I’m not used to wearing clothes to bed, so I must have taken my t-shirt off in my sleep. The less I wear to bed, the less washing I need to do, you know?”

I nod. “Right.” I suppose those are the kind of lessons I’ll learn the hard way too. “I’m sorry, Si. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable in your own bed. I—”

“You didn’t,” he interrupts. “I’d be far more uncomfortable lying here knowing you’re out in the big hall all by yourself, vulnerable.”

I nod and look down. “Thank you,” I whisper. This is exactly what I wanted to prevent. Silas already has so much on his plate. The last thing I want to be to him is yet another burden. I knew he’d want to help, and he and I both know he’s not in a position to do so.

“Ray, where have you been? Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?”

I nod. “I’m sorry. I wanted to talk to you, but I… I just couldn’t.”

He looks hurt for a moment and clenches his jaw as he looks away. “I wish you’d leaned on me, Alanna. Don’t you see that I want to be the person you turn to? I get that there isn’t much I can do, but if nothing else, won’t you let me be the person who gets to be by your side when life is tough?”

He bites down on his lips as though there’s more he wants to say, but can’t.

“Letting others be there for us is a way of offering consolation too,” I murmur, my voice barely above a whisper. That is what he told me the day we met at the cemetery.

Silas looks up, his eyes flashing with surprise. “You remember?”

I nod and look away as I wrap my arms around myself. “I remember everything about you, Si.”

“That feels like a lifetime ago. I was a different person then.”

I shake my head. “You’ve always been that person to me. The one who cheered me up on one of the worst days of my life and gave me the strength to keep going. You still have that same effect on me… except now I no longer want to be a little girl who needs you.”

He looks at me, his gaze intense. “You’re far from a little girl now, aren’t you, sweet girl?”

I nod, heat rushing to my cheeks. “Yeah,” I whisper.

Silas reaches for my hand and entwines our fingers before raising our joined hands to his chest. “I never considered you needy, Alanna. You have never been a burden to me. You’re my guiding light, my ray of sunshine on days where the darkness feels inescapable. I’m worried about you, baby.”

The pain in his eyes hits me right in my beaten, battered heart. He isn’t pitying me. He’s asking me for consolation. “Si,” I whisper. I need this as badly as he does, but I’m not sure I can say the words. I’ve been living in denial even as I deal with the consequences of my father’s choices. I suppose that is part of the reason I avoided talking to Silas, because he’d ask me what happened, and I wouldn’t be able to tell him anything but the full truth. “My father arranged his own assassination so he could commit insurance fraud for my benefit,” I tell him, the words tumbling out of my mouth in one swift gush of courage. “He might not have fired that gun, but he took his own life, just like my mother did.”