Big Chicas Don't Cry(95)

Had I agreed to help Gracie to get rid of some of the guilt?

Definitely.

“Not yet,” I told Gracie, grateful for the distraction. “Maybe in a few minutes. This line is getting longer and longer.”

“Gotcha. I’ll check back after I refill the green beans and mashed potatoes.”

I smiled as she walked away. This might not have been how I’d imagined this holiday, but I was grateful that at least I wasn’t alone.

Hours later, Gracie and I walked to my car in the church parking lot. My feet and my hands were killing me.

“I didn’t think I could ever be this tired,” I groaned and leaned against the driver’s-side door. “I can’t wait to go back to my hotel room and soak in a hot bath.”

“You haven’t found an apartment yet?” she asked.

I shook my head. “I’m still looking. Problem is, I have no idea where I want to live.”

Gracie reached out and touched my arm. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You know I’m here for you, right? We all are.”

Her words brought up a new swell of emotions that spilled onto my cheeks. Even though I had lost my marriage, I had found my family again.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Gracie said.

“You didn’t. It seems all I do is cry these days,” I said with a sad shrug.

“Do you think you want to try to fix things between you guys?”

“I tried, but I think it’s too late. Even though I was never unfaithful, I know I hurt Esteban and totally upended his life and his business.”

I really did hope Esteban could forgive me one day. I knew from experience that holding grudges could be exhausting. I also knew that I couldn’t worry about what other people thought about me. I could only control what I did and how I reacted. And right now I needed to focus on figuring out who I wanted to be.

Gracie reached out and squeezed my hand. “You’re coming to dinner tonight, right?”

“Yes, I am.”

What I didn’t tell her was that I was a little nervous about being around the entire family again. There were a lot of them, and it could be overwhelming, even if I hadn’t stayed away all these years. While my dad and I were working on our relationship slowly, I couldn’t help but feel anxious about dinner at my abuela and abuelo’s house. But I didn’t tell Gracie that. I didn’t want her to think I was having second thoughts.

“I’m so glad,” she said, clapping her hands. “So, besides being exhausted, how was your first Thanksgiving feeding the homeless?”

“It was chaotic, but amazing. I never knew St. Christopher’s did this for Thanksgiving.”

“Not just Thanksgiving. We do it one Sunday a month. If we had more volunteers and money, we’d probably do it every week.”

“I’d love to volunteer again. Do you think I could?”

“Of course! Helen, our food pantry director, is going to be so thrilled. I overheard her telling anyone who would listen how good your stuffing and homemade rolls were.”

I laughed, remembering the woman who’d secretly asked her to put aside a cupful of stuffing and two rolls. This time it was my turn to reach out. “Thank you so much for inviting me. I needed this today.”

We hugged again and said our goodbyes. But before she walked away, Gracie touched my arm. “Call me, Mari. Anytime you need to talk, okay?”

I smiled. “I will.”

And I meant it.





Chapter Sixty-One


GRACIE


“It’s from Texas.”

Rachel and I stared at the envelope in her hand. I couldn’t move. Didn’t dare speak.

“Do you want me to open it for you?”

I shook my head and took the letter from her. I walked to my room and sat on my bed. Trembling, I tore it open from the side.

His letter was handwritten on yellow legal pad paper. The writing was neat and small. I took a deep breath and started to read: Dear Gracie,

I don’t know if you will ever read this letter, but I hope that you do. I need you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I never planned on being the kind of guy who leaves the woman pregnant with his child. I have no excuse, well, at least none that will take away your pain. If I didn’t get this second chance, then maybe things would be different. I might have stayed at St. Christopher’s and tried to be a part of the baby’s life and be a part of yours. But I need to do this right now. I know I can’t ask you to wait or even expect you to give us another chance. I want you to move on and find someone who will love you the way that you deserve. I promise to stay away, I don’t want to hurt you any more than I have already. All I ask is that you take care of our baby and love him or her so he or she doesn’t grow up to be a jerk like me.

Take care of yourself,

Tony

My tears spilled onto the paper, smearing the ink. I sat there on my bed crying and holding my stomach for a long time. I knew my sobs were loud, but I didn’t care. I was tired of pretending that I was okay. I was tired of holding everything in. So for several minutes, maybe even hours, I let it all out.

Eventually I heard my door open, and I sensed someone walk over to me in the darkness. My wails had been reduced into sniffling hiccups. Without a word, the figure eased the letter from my grip and then gently pushed me down to the bed. I closed my eyes as the person lifted my legs and took off my socks and shoes. I felt a blanket being laid over me and a cool towel being slipped along my forehead.