Between Hello and Goodbye(77)

I went to Asher and handed him the water. He held the glass without feeling it, staring out the window.

“Faith?” Silas was frantic in my ear.

I took a few steps away and whispered, “It’s Asher’s brother and his wife. They’re gone, Silas. Gone.”

“Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Faith, God, I’m so sorry.” Silas paused and I knew he was pulling himself together. “What can I do?”

“I need your jet. Tonight. We have to get back to Kauai.” I stared at Asher, his back to me at the window.

To his nephew who lost his parents. Oh my fucking God…

“Of course. Faith, listen to me. Are you listening to me?”

“Yes. I’m here.”

“Breathe, honey. Get a pen and paper. I’m going to give you the airfield details. You’re going to want to talk to Kevin Barker, okay? He’ll take care of everything. They’ll have to get fueled up and talk to air traffic control. A few hours, tops.”

I nodded and frantically wrote the details on the fridge whiteboard where I kept a grocery list of take-out numbers.

“Thank you, Silas. Thank you so much.”

“Anything. Should I come over? Do you need my help?”

Yes. Make this all go away. Take it all back for him.

“No, we’re leaving now.”

“Okay, you call me if you need anything. I’ll keep my phone ready. And tell Asher…” Silas’s voice broke. “Just…I’m here, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you. Bye.”

I hung up and took a steadying breath.

“It’s done,” I told Asher, hurrying back to the entry to grab my coat. “Let’s go.”

He nodded then stopped, shell-shocked and dazed. Like a man stumbling out of the rubble of an exploded building. He glanced at the mess of papers on the floor. “I did that. And your award…”

The ceremony, my nomination, even the perfect moment of telling Asher I loved him…That all seemed to belong to another lifetime. A life where things were beautiful and full of promise instead of suffocating with grief.

“Forget it.” I reached out my hand and took his arm. “Come on, honey. Come on.”

He nodded absently and followed me out.

Downstairs, I told Silas’s driver to take us to King County Aviation. The airport was a row of private jet hangars. As twilight darkened, I followed Silas’s instructions to where his jet was being prepped, a crew already in action. A steward led me in my evening gown and Asher in his suit, minus the tie and coat, inside the jet.

Asher hadn’t said a word on the drive over and remained silent as we prepared for takeoff. He stared out the window, seeing nothing, but his hands were clenched in fists.

The steward came by offering water and food in a low voice. No doubt Silas had told them this wasn’t a pleasure flight.

“Water, please,” I said. “Asher, you need water.”

I pressed the glass into his hand, but he didn’t drink. Just held it, eyes on the runway beneath us, and they stayed there until the runway became ocean, until night fell and there was nothing to see but black .





Part III

I’m trying to picture me without you but I can’t. —Fall Out Boy





Chapter Twenty



The early hours came and went, like snapshots.

When Faith and I arrived at dawn, we went straight to the house. Momi was there with her nurse, tears streaming down her cheeks. Chloe Barnes was there too. She’d just gotten Kaleo to bed, but I had to see him. He was awake and crying. He was asking me about his mom and dad. He was clinging to me like I’d go away too, and then he mercifully fell back to sleep.

Over the next few days, Nalani and my brother’s house was always full of people. Friends, clients from their business, guys from my fire station, police buddies, hospital friends. Paula, Chloe, and Momi, some faces I didn’t know. Arrangements needed to be made, Island Memories needed to be handled, and Kaleo…

My heart was being held together by fraying threads and he was the only thing keeping them from snapping altogether. In his face, I saw eleven-year-old Morgan, standing in a burning trailer…

No fucking way…

I buried it. Buried it all, which was easier thanks to the numb shock that made everything seem dreamlike and unreal.

This is an emergency, I told myself. Deal with it.

I went into action, directing the arrangements and handling shit like I was on call.

But I hadn’t been. Not when it counted.

It had been raining steadily that day. The rainiest season on an island where it rained every day. It wasn’t even dark that afternoon, but the clouds were thick, they said. The roads were slick, they said. Right about the time I was telling Faith I loved her, Morgan was over-correcting to avoid hitting something in the road, or maybe taking a turn too fast. Or maybe he was driving carefully as usual. Because I was the one who drove like a maniac and he never did, yet it happened to him anyway. They slid, skidded, and then rolled down a muddy embankment. Given the damage to the car, it must’ve rolled three or four times, if not more. The car landed upside down. They were both killed instantly, they said. It must’ve been painless. That’s what they told me.

Other people had to tell me what happened because I wasn’t there.