The Space Between Us(93)

“You can’t lie to me about this. You can’t make me forget what I saw. I SAW YOU.”

“I don’t know what you saw, but I didn’t sleep with anyone. I couldn’t have. I wasn’t even coherent for weeks after we broke up.” My eyes frantically searched hers, looking for something that resembled forgiveness or her realization that this was a mistake. “Please…” I begged her. She froze up, realizing how close we were and she tried to back up, caught between me and the counter, she didn’t go far. “Please, tell me what you saw. There has to be some mistake.”

“I opened your door and saw a blonde girl sitting on top of you. Naked, you were both naked. And I saw my name tattooed on your arm. It was you, Asher, and some girl. Don’t try to deny it.”

I grabbed at the hair on my head in frustration and backed away from her. I had no idea what she was talking about. Ever since I walked out on her, the day she told me she was pregnant, every single day since, I thought of no one but her. Sure, years later I ended up sleeping with other people, but in the months and even years following that terrible day there was no one.

“I don’t understand,” my mind reeled. What had she seen? How could she have seen anything?

“Don’t try and lie, Asher. It doesn’t matter what you say. I know what I saw.”

I tried to rewind my mind, thinking back to the weeks I spent in a drunken stupor over our break-up. There were girls around. There were always girls. It was a frat house. A blonde? I remember a few blondes. Damn it. Why did I have to drink so much? A fuzzy memory started to surface. Shit.

“Wait,” I said as much for her as for me. Images were coming to me and I finally realized what she was talking about. “Charlie, wait,” I said as I rushed towards her again, my hands going to her shoulders.

“No, I’ve waited forever,” she said, trying to shrug my hands away. “I can’t be here anymore. I’ve been stuck here, Asher. Stuck in this place where I hate and love you at the same time, and it’s exhausting. I’m exhausted.” She nearly crumpled in my hands, her admission exhausting her even further.

“I never slept with her. Let me explain. Please, don’t let everything end like this – with a lie or a misunderstanding.” I stared into her eyes, pleading with her to let me make it all right, praying she would allow me to fix everything. To fix her. To fix me.

She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t struggle away from me either. I took that as a green light.

“That day, when I left you, when I said those miserable things to you, it was the worst day of my life. I was so shocked by the pregnancy, so upset by everything and the way I’d treated you, I literally went back to the house and drank. I drank for weeks, Bit. It’s a surprise I managed to pass any of my classes that term. If I was awake, I was a mess.” I moved closer to her, wanting to feel her a little more. If this was the last time I was allowed to touch her, I would take advantage. My hands slid up her arms and I felt goose bumps flood her skin.

“There were a few girls, here and there, who noticed I was alone and realized we’d broken up. They flirted with me. They came on to me, and they tried to sleep with me.” She stiffened at my words and I could feel her try to pull away. “But I didn’t care,” I said quickly, trying not to lose her. “I didn’t want any of them; I just wanted you. There was one girl who seemed more eager than the rest, but I told her every time that I wasn’t interested.” I swallowed hard, knowing the next part would be the hardest to say out loud, the hardest part to watch her hear.

“One afternoon, I was smashed. So drunk I couldn’t even stand up on my own. It was the middle of the afternoon and I was nearly passed out drunk. There was a girl there and she was blonde. Do you remember Tracy?” I watched as Charlie’s eyes iced over at the mention of her name. “That day, the day you must have seen me, I was drunk, Bit. I couldn’t get to my room alone. She walked me up the stairs and I was too drunk to stop her when she tried to take my clothes off.” I shook my head at the memory, as fuzzy as it was. I remembered that night and nothing had happened.

“Eventually, she realized nothing was going to happen because nothing could happen, and what you saw was me removing her from me. I was saying your name, telling her I loved you. I never slept with her. Ever.”

Charlie was shaking her head.

“The next morning Tracy apologized to me for what happened and told me that she felt badly about it. We decided to let it go and never really talked about it again. It was a non-issue, a nothing. If I had known what you thought I would have told you immediately, but I never saw you again. Not for years.”

“You’re a liar,” she spat at me.

“Why would I lie? Why? And if I’m lying now, why wouldn’t I lie then? Why wouldn’t I tell you then that I hadn’t slept with anyone? Think about it; I’ve had no reason to lie. You never gave me any reason to think that I had a chance at being with you. I didn’t know you lost the babies at that moment. I DIDN’T KNOW! Because you pushed me away. But I had no reason to lie to you about it. I’ve never lied to you – not once, ever. You never gave me a chance to tell you what really happened. Why did you leave? Why didn’t you say something then? Why would you just run away from everything?”

“Because I loved you! I loved you regardless of what had happened! I stood there, watching you with her, with blood running down my legs, and thought that seeing you with her, that was my punishment. This life? The life I lead where I think of you every day, where I am reminded every single day of the lives I wasn’t strong enough to hold on to, that is my punishment.”