The Space Between Us(62)
“Ok, here’s your uterus, Charlie.” Time stood still. I silently prayed to hear good news. I begged someone, somewhere, to hear me and to save my baby.
“Do you see these two circular looking areas?” She said as she pointed to two small round objects on the screen.
“Yes,” I managed.
“Those are the babies. You look to be about ten weeks along. But, I’m sorry, Charlie. Neither one has a heartbeat.”
“Babies?” I cried.
“Twins.”
“And they’re gone?”
“I’m afraid so.”
“Oh my god,” I cried. I rolled over onto my side, caring nothing about the doctor or her examination, and gave in to the wave of grief that washed over me. I felt arms wrap around me and I heard Reeve’s voice in my ear, whispering apologies and comforting words I didn’t understand.
Even though I knew what was happening before we entered the exam room, hearing the words, being told that I lost not one but two babies, broke me. For just a moment I wanted to die with them. I wasn’t sure I had anything left to continue on for in this life. I pictured Asher’s hand on the small of that girl’s back, him enjoying another woman, while I was losing my babies. I couldn’t possibly imagine walking out of that hospital and having anything to go back to.
Would I be able to hold my babies in the afterlife? Would they be the chubby-cheeked, smiling angels I pictured them to be? Could I hold them close to me and breathe in their baby smell? Could I sing to them the same songs I remember my mother singing to me? Could I see my mother again? Would she be waiting for me, my two angel babies in her arms? Perhaps, we could all be together again. Maybe.
My thoughts were interrupted by Reeve’s voice.
“Charlie, you need to come back to us.”
The only thing that kept me tethered to this world was the fear that death would only bring nothingness. The pain I felt made everything real. The babies were real. The agony of remembering them would be better than not having anything at all to cling to.
“Charlie, please, look at me.”
I finally rolled back over to look at Reeve who was also crying. The doctor still stood next to the exam table, a concerned yet professional look on her face.
“Why…” I choked on the words. “Why would this happen?” I asked the doctor.
“Healthy women miscarry babies more often than you’d think. It’s a sad yet true fact. Sometimes the pregnancies just don’t take or there is something wrong with the babies that we just can’t see at this early stage. There is no indication that women who experience a miscarriage can’t go on to have full-term, healthy pregnancies later in life. I’m sorry.”
“But what was wrong with this pregnancy?” I asked again, desperate for answers, desperate for a reason. “Why my babies?”
“There’s no real way to know, Charlie. Miscarriages, especially in the first trimester, are common, unfortunately. But listen to me when I say this. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening. This was not because you did something wrong. This just happens and I can’t give you a reason, medically.”
No reason. No explanation. Nothing. Emptiness.
“What happens now?” I whispered. One question, so many meanings.
“Your body will continue to bleed,” the doctor paused for a moment. “Eventually, the embryos will pass, along with the blood and clots. You will experience cramps, just like you would during your period, although they may be intense and more painful. You might bleed for up to two weeks. Most women feel fine within a week or so.”
I hated my body in that moment. My body couldn’t hold onto my babies. My body would soon eject them. Toss them away.
“I can prescribe you some stronger pain relief than you would get over-the-counter if you would like.” I nodded. I would welcome any medicine that would take me away for a little while. “You should go home and take it easy. Rest. Perhaps not be alone,” she said, looking at Reeve.
“I’ll stay with her,” Reeve answered. The doctor continued to talk and Reeve continued to listen, but I tuned everything out. I couldn’t be bothered with any more thoughts, or facts, or apologies. The doctor brought in a pair of mesh underwear that looked like fishing net and a large pad. The whole thing looked ridiculous but I put it on and decided to leave my pants behind. Reeve and I walked out to her car, her helping me keep my hospital gown closed. We drove through a pharmacy, got my pain meds, and then went home.
After a week of crying, staying in bed except to shower and eat, not hearing from Asher, and not answering any of Reeve’s questions about him, I made the decision to leave. To leave it all behind. There was nothing left for me there. Nothing outweighed the pain of being there. Reeve went out to the store and I took the opportunity to pack a small bag. I left most of my things behind because they simply didn’t matter. I left Reeve a small note, apologizing for leaving without saying goodbye, but explaining that I would call her when I could.
And then I left.
Part III
Chapter One
Asher
The knocking on the door dragged me away from my computer screen and forced me to blink, something I wasn’t sure I’d done in the last hour. At least, I hadn’t done it enough. My eyes felt like they might be filled with saw dust for all the scratchy-stickiness that came with the blinks I gave at the sight of Phil at the door to my office.