The Space Between Us(59)

“Did you take one?” He finally managed.

“I took four.”

“And?”

“They all came back positive.”

He sat up, forcing me to move from where I was laying on him. I watched as he slid to the edge of the bed, running one hand through his hair, the other resting on his knee. “You’re pregnant?”

“That’s what everyone keeps telling me.” I reached out to press my fingers to his back, to make a connection, to feel something besides the fear that is coursing through my veins. He stood up the moment my fingers reach him and the contact was lost. I felt him moving away from me.

“You’ve been on the pill since forever,” he pointed out, as if that would change everything I had just told him. I took a deep breath. He hadn’t had hours to take this all in as I had. He was processing everything now and I tried to remain patient, giving him the same opportunity I had to freak the f*ck out.

“I know, Babe. It didn’t work.”

“Didn’t work? It always works. That’s its one job. To keep you from getting pregnant. Did you miss a pill or something?”

I tried really hard to keep my voice even and not let anger take over my emotions. “No. I didn’t forget to take a pill. I took them every day, like clockwork. Every. Day.”

“Then tell me how this happened?” He paced now, back and forth from my door to my window. Back and forth.

“Sometimes things just happen.”

“What are you going to do about it?” He stopped pacing and was looking at me. He was still across the room.

“It? What do you mean? We haven’t even spoken about what our choices are.”

“You have to get rid of it.”

“Stop calling it an it! It’s not an it. It’s a baby!” He was instantly just an inch from my face. And even though just seconds earlier I wanted him to be close to me, I didn’t want this Asher anywhere near me. He was angry and I could see the rage in his eyes.

“It’s not a baby, Charlie. It’s just a mass of cells right now. It’s not a person, or a baby, it’s a thing. It’s a parasite. We can’t have a baby. We’re too young. We’re both in school. We can’t take care of a baby. Think about it. There’s only one choice.”

“There are three choices,” I said, matching his tone. He’d never been this mad at me before, and I wasn’t about to cower down in front of him. This was not the Asher I had been with for five years. “We can keep the baby and choose to be parents, or we choose adoption and give the baby to a couple who wants to have a baby. Abortion is also an option, but I’m going to be honest Asher, I’m not comfortable with abortion. I don’t think I could do it.”

“So, you’re just going to have a baby? You’re not even going to consider having it taken care of?”

“TAKEN CARE OF? Listen to yourself, Asher.” I moved towards him, placing my hands on his face, trying to talk some sense into him. “This is a baby, our baby. You want me to just throw it away, like garbage? I can’t do that. It’s a part of us. No matter how you look at it, it’s a piece of you and a piece of me, together. I can’t get rid of that. I won’t.”

“Why did you ask for my input if it doesn’t matter?” His voice was softer, but still angry.

“I want to make the decision together. It doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, but I won’t choose abortion.”

“You’d rather drop out and become a teenage mother?”

He was right. I was now a statistic. I sat back down on the bed and gave in to the exhaustion, folding in on myself, curling around my knees. “I never thought I’d be having this conversation, ever. And even if I had considered the idea that you and I would be faced with having to make this decision, I never would have imagined…” my voice broke and the tears started again. Yesterday, even an hour ago, if I had broken down in tears in front of him there would have been nothing anyone could do to keep him from comforting me. “I never would have imagined you’d be so cold.”

“I’m sorry, Charlie. I’m not trying to be cold. I’m trying to be realistic. How would we raise a baby? How could either of us get through school? How would I ever manage to make it through law school with a baby? I’m not dumb. I understand that you have all the power here to make whatever decision you’re going to make. I just pray you make the right one.”

“I wanted us to make the decision together. I wanted you to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be ok.”

“Yeah, well, it seems like nothing is ever going to be ok again.” We were frozen in place, me lying on the bed, tears still fresh on my face, and him across the room looking at me with disinterest, his gray eyes empty. “I’m gonna go. I need to think. Alone.”

“You’re leaving?”

“I can’t stay here.”

“Can I come with you?” I was desperate in that moment for the old Asher to come back to me. I searched for the warmth I knew he had the capacity for, but was holding back from me.

“I can’t stay with you.”

There was never, ever, a time when I thought I would hear Asher say those words to me.

“Ok.”

Then he left.