The Redemption(85)

The car door slams behind me, causing me to jump. Neil and CJ run ahead as if they’re at the park. They know exactly where to go since we’ve been here so many times before.

Thirty minutes later, Holli jogs to keep up, taking the boys by the hands and walking back to the car. Johnny stays silent, but I feel his heavy heart, like mine, weighing down the air around us. I move forward stepping directly on top of the grass. My heels dig in and I let them sink a bit into the ground. It doesn’t matter. Not really. It gets mowed and tidied, cleaned up regularly. My shoes don’t affect the dead.

But for some reason I step out of them. Maybe it’s the grass I need to feel. The cool blades against my skin. Or maybe it puts me just a little closer to what used to be Cory. I don’t know. I’ve lost my ability to reason in these types of situations. Nothing makes sense, so I don’t bother trying.

I sit down and my skirt goes out around me. Cory never wanted to be buried. I did it for Janice, giving her a ‘place’ to visit. I get it now. I realize how important this is not just for me, but for my kids. And for the fans. The anniversary of his death always brings more flowers and memorabilia, tokens of appreciation of what he gave the world surrounds the tombstone. They sneak in to pay homage and respect to the man that has become a legend before his time. But maybe that’s how legends are made.

The cemetery is private and has security, but they get in somehow without notice and leave their gifts to be found by… I’m not sure who collects all the stuff actually. One day I should ask, wondering what happens to everything they find here.

I slide guitar picks, photos, flowers, and other odds and ends to the side, and lay my head on the base of the tombstone. I close my eyes and in the serenity I hear his voice, his laugh, the last melody I ever heard him play for me.

“They’re memories, Rochelle,” Johnny says, his voice sounding as heavy as his heart. “You’ll always have them, but live in the present.”

“I want to be strong, but I’m struggling.”

“We all struggle. That’s life. But what’s the fun in easy?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Yeah, neither would I.” He sits down.

Lifting up, I sit up next to him as he rests his back against the tombstone. Flicking blades of grass, he says, “I miss him every day. Some days, I wake up and I’ve forgotten he’s died. I pick up my phone to call him…”

I relax back too and lean my head on his shoulder. “I used to cry every night, but never in the daylight.”

“That sounds like a song that needs to be written.”

“Maybe we’re all just lyrics waiting to happen.”

He looks over at me and one side of his mouth goes up. “Maybe.”

“I don’t want to be sad anymore.” I close my eyes.

“I don’t want you to be sad anymore either.” He sighs. “Tell me. Who are you when no one is watching?”

His question makes my heart ache for him. I straighten up again, wanting him to tell me so much more, to share with me the thoughts he’s not. “What do you mean?”

“If you could be anyone without judgment who would you be?”

Reaching my hand down I grab a handful of grass. “I don’t want to be someone else. I just want to be happy again.”

“When was the last time that happened?”

“My kids make me happy. It might sound strange but I’m still amazed I have them. I’m so fortunate.”

“Your kids are amazing, like their parents.” In another bout of quiet between us, there’s no reprieve from the obvious elephant. “Have you talked to Dex?”

“No.”

“Do you want to?”

“Our situation is in his hands, not mine. I tried to be there and he pushed me out.”

“What would you say if you had the chance?” he asks.

“I’m not sure. Why do you ask?”

The wind picks up, my hair covering my eyes.

“Look over there,” Johnny says.

I tuck my hair back and follow in the direction where Johnny points to the car.

Dex is hugging the boys and then one quick one to Holli before Tommy brings him in for a squeeze. Dex looks over at us and down, says something, then starts coming our way.

Johnny gets up. “I think I’ll go help Holliday with Neil and CJ.”

“You don’t have to go.”

“Yeah, but something tells me Dex is here to see you, so I should.”

I silently agree, thinking he’s probably right. Watching as he walks away, they greet each other and talk. They both look at me, then away again. Something else is said and Dex nods. One more handshake and a hug, then Dex heads my way.

He stops a few feet away from me and squats. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

After a quick glance over his shoulder, he looks at me again and says, “Is I’m sorry even going to work anymore?”

I keep my head down, but can’t resist peeking up at him. “I don’t know. Try it.”

“I’m sorry, Rochelle. I’m so damn sorry.”

“Why? Why are you sorry?”

“Because I pushed the good in my life away again.”

“It’s a bad pattern, Dex”