The Redemption(84)

Our ‘Until then…’ isn’t said. That’s the moment I know we’re over.

I roll to my side and pull the covers over my head. I thought I would cry, but the conflicting emotions I have surfacing are too confusing. Disappointment trumps anger, love, and the sadness I’m feeling. Dex is running. He’s running from me, from everything despite how he’s convinced himself he’s not.

He’s not used to being accountable to anyone, although I know he wishes he could be to me and the boys. He’s just not there yet. Maybe the pressures of the new will and his mother’s illness has stolen something from him that keeps him from being here for me. Maybe we were only as permanent as his surroundings are. Maybe our secret kept him only invested as much as he had to. What we thought was a way to protect something that was strong and growing has revealed the cracks instead. Like a side effect, the secrecy kept us fragile, something more delicate than we thought.

I look over at the frame that I know I should have put away long before now. Cory and I were only twenty-one and thought we had a lifetime to look forward to. I start to reach for the photo, thinking I can actually pack it away inside the drawer below. But I stop.

Dex leaving isn’t because of a photo.

Dex will crumble with his family and unlike the last time, I can’t save him. This would have happened if I had that photo out or not. I pull the blankets tighter around me and remember when I visited him the last time he was at rehab…



One of the nurses told me I could find him out back near the cliffs, so I walk through the open doors that lead to a large patio and expansive view of the ocean. In any other setting, this would take my breath away. But I remember where I’m at, so I avert my eyes to the surroundings—other patients reading, chatting, and or staring at me. I keep walking down a small curved set of stairs and over some gravel before I reach the grass and see Dex sitting and another patient on a bench across the lawn.

The woman laughs and I hear Dex return with his own laughter. It’s good to hear. It’s been too long. I just wish it had been under different circumstances. When I approach, I suddenly hesitate, suddenly questioning if I’m interrupting. She sees me first, then nods to him to give him a heads up regarding my presence. When Dex turns, I see the lightness in his eyes, a happiness he shows me before his expression changes and a look of betrayal crosses his face.

“Hi,” I say, hoping he doesn’t hate me.

The woman stands, her hand rubbing across the top of his. “I’ll see you inside.”

He nods and she leaves. When we’re alone, he rests forward, his elbows on his knees and scrubs his unshaven face a few times with his hands. Our eyes meet again and he asks, “What are you doing here?”

“Can I sit?” His hand swings out over the bench as an invitation. I sit down and look ahead at the ocean, seeing white caps in the distance. I feel his gaze on me, but when I turn, he looks away. His jaw is tense, so I ask, “Am I interrupting?”

“Jealousy isn’t flattering on you, Rochelle.”

I laugh, though I don’t find his tone or words funny at all. “Jealousy? You think I’m jealous. Of what? Your friend there?”

“Why are you here?”

“I wanted to see you, to check on you.”

He stands and walks ahead a few feet away. “I’m here,” he says, turning around.

“How are you feeling?”

“How do you think I’m feeling? I want a hit of anything and I can’t have it. But I stay because I want to stay in the band and if doing two weeks time in here will keep me doing the only thing I care about, then I’ll stay.”

“Why are you so angry with me? Because I brought you here?”

His eyes meet mine and he replies, “This shit is expected from Tommy, from Johnny. Hell, everyone, but you. I needed you, Rochelle.”

“You had me. You have me now. I’ve always been here for you when you needed me.”

“You sided with them against me. I could have worked through this at home. I had time before the tour. Instead you stabbed me in the back.”

“You had seizures, Dex, just like you did in Paris. How many times are you willing to put your life on the line for a ‘hit of anything’?”

“Fuck this. I don’t need your lecture. You know shit about what I’ve been going through.” He starts to walk away.

I stand and shout, “You’re right! I know shit because I’ve been dealing with my own shit, like Cory dying and raising kids—”

“Don’t drag him into this.”

“Drag? I didn’t drag him into this. Some days I can’t even breathe to save myself much less you. I’ve been dragged into something that’s bigger than you needing to get high to escape a life of privilege.”

I see the change in him before the hate is heard in his words. “Yes, Rochelle, my life of privilege has solved all my problems,” he says sarcastically. “Doesn’t money buy you happiness?” I can tell he wants to leave, but holds himself in place. “What we had… what we did, one day you’ll see, it was everything to me.”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore when it comes to you. You’re not the man I expected to see today.”

He huffs and kicks the grass beneath his feet. When he looks back up, he says, “You’re seeing the real me for once. Oh, and yes, you were interrupting, so excuse me I have an appointment in her room in five.” Dex walks back not in any hurry, but walking away from me holding his head down and his shoulders tight.