The Redemption(82)

“Thank you for being here. I know the boys love spending time with you.” I stand and walk her to the door. “So tomorrow after school?”

“I’ll be here,” she replies walking down the steps and to the gate.

I close the door and lean my back on it, wondering how long Dex and I can really hide our relationship from the outside world when apparently everything about me is oozing it. But just thinking about the word ‘oozing’ makes the smile disappear and makes me want to take a shower.

CJ walks out with a PB & J and we join Neil and Dex in his room. Sitting on the floor, CJ makes himself at home on my lap and I wrap my arms around him, holding him close. Neil and Dex have an interesting dynamic. There’s a mutual respect for each other that is heard through the way they talk to each other and their patience. Maybe I’m witnessing the beginning of a friendship, the start of a bond that can last. I hope so.

Dex shows Neil one more beat that he’s been working on then says, “I’ll send you a demo of it. I want you to practice it until you’ve nailed it. Then you’re gonna play it for me on my drums. Okay?”

Neil excitedly agrees.

CJ gets up when he’s done eating and says, “I want to learn too.”

Dex, who’s on his knees bends down until he’s eye-level with him and smiles. “You still have the sticks I gave you?”

“Yep.”

“Then how about I get you a drum pad too? Would you like that, CJ?”

CJ turns to me and says, “I gonna be like Dex and Neil, Mama.”

I nod, but in that moment, the walls waver around me. Using the wall to help steady myself, I feel my way up and hurry out. I tug the back door open abruptly and run outside. My lungs feel lighter the second I inhale the fresh air. Closing my eyes, I raise my chin to the sky and breathe slowly.

“I know how hard it is to ask for help,” Dex says, his voice quieter than normal, controlled. Turning to look over my shoulder, I see him standing in the doorway. He continues, “I think you need to talk to someone, Rochelle. Someone who can help with these attacks.”

“I just wanted fresh air. That’s all.” I shrug, but I can tell he doesn’t believe me.

“You’re in denial.”

Turning my whole body around now, I feel my defenses growing. “About what?” I ask, crossing my arms.

“That back there with your sons, with Cory’s sons.” He steps closer and his voice gets even quieter. I assume so the boys don’t hear. “I’m not gonna replace him.”

“They want to be drummers.”

“They aren’t him.”

I raise my voice though I don’t mean to yell. “They’d be playing guitar if he was here.”

Despite my emotions, his voice is soothing. “They still can because you’re here to teach them.”

A lump forms in my throat making it hard to swallow.

I’m face to face with him now, his hands holding my arms gently as they slide down until my hands are taken by his. He says, “Every time I see the excitement for music in Neil’s eyes, I see Cory again. When I look at CJ’s face, I see Cory. And they both have this kindness about them that they get from you. You both made them who they are, shaped them in features and personality. I won’t let them forget who their father was, but if I can help them, I want to, if you’ll let me.”

Looking down between us, I sniffle. When I look into his caring eyes, I say, “You’re a good man, Dex Caggiano. Not many men would want to take on two crazy kids and their even crazier mom.”

“You’re not crazy, Rochelle, but I do think you’ve never allowed yourself to grieve the way you should. Let your friends and family be here for you now.”

I hug him and when his arms wrap around me, I close my eyes and take in his scent. Just like always with him, I feel my body calming.

“Hello.” We move apart quickly when we hear Janice.

Pushing the hair out of my face, I say, “Hi, how are you?” I’m too rushed, feeling guilty. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Hi Dex,” she says, her smile not quite tight, but not welcoming either. She holds out a casserole dish. “I brought homemade spinach lasagna. I made an extra for you and the boys.”

Walking over, I take it from her. “Thank you. We’ll have this tonight.”

She follows me into the kitchen and says, “I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything.”

I see Dex over her shoulder. “Um, it’s fine. Are you staying to eat with us?”

“No, just stopping by. Where are Neil and CJ?”

“In Neil’s room practicing a beat Dex just showed him.”

She comes to me and says, “Are you alright? You look a little pale.”

“I’m dating Dex.” Oops. There goes our secret.

She looks stunned by my confessional outburst and like a faucet, I can’t seem to stop the words from coming. “I don’t care if you think it’s a bad idea or you think he’s bad for me and the boys. He’s not. He’s a good man and despite all that he’s gone through, even though a lot of it he caused, he’s in a good place and he loves us. He loves me, Janice. And you know what? I love him. I may have to hide this from the public, the paparazzi, and the band for a while, but I’m willing to do that. For him, I’m willing to keep this private until everyone else can learn to deal with it. But here, in my house, I will not. If you plan to be around us you will have to accept my relationship with him.”