The Memory Book(71)

“First thing I need.”

“What is it?”

“Keep trying.”

We let go. “Okay,” he said, nodding. “Okay.”





MASS


I went to mass at Our Lady of Perpetual Help with my parents for the first time in six years I didn’t talk to God, but it was a comfort to hear the voices together, their chanted prayers so deeply memorized they don’t even have to think I cling to every memory now so hard

I’m glad Harry and Bette and Davy have something that can dig deep traces in their memories, and it’s something beautiful, something outside themselves Mom and Dad took my hands on either side

When I got home I asked them to help me do something

I had a little money set aside from my grandparents, a little from Mom and Dad trying to help me go to New York, and most of it’s gone now to the disease I asked that if all of it wasn’t gone most of it should go to my siblings’ college of course But if at least a hundred or something was still left over Mom and Dad can call the NPC Clubhouse, you know those kids in the tropical shirts, and buy each of them a book, whichever book they wanted Stories are good at times like these, to tell them, to hear them I thought of Coop and the notes we made around the house Stories are always good





I WISH I HAD DONE THIS FOUR YEARS AGO


It had been almost a week and I was fed up I kept making excuses to walk Puppy down to the highway to see Cooper’s house, even when it was almost too hard to walk Mom and Dad got me a wheelchair but I don’t like it Coop’s truck would be in his driveway, but he’d never come out I don’t know when he came or left

Maybe he didn’t

Maybe he was staying at Hot Katie’s house Or maybe he had gone away to another city, too Every possibility made my bones feel like sawdust The next day I think it was the next day we piled into Dad’s car to go to the ski resort for oh, no reason, you know, just to stop by, no I begged them please, please, and eventually I just showed Mom the letter to Coop, which I still hadn’t sent because I was too afraid it wouldn’t make a difference. I told them I missed him like I was missing one of my senses, a sixth or seventh sense that I didn’t know I had until it was gone I didn’t even know if he was working so we noodled slowly from the parking lot to the lodge Dad asked Mom, bring back memories?

They remodeled, Mom said, and for some reason they both looked at some sort of storage locker thing at the edge of the parking lot Ew

But so I went into the lodge and there was a man scraping grime off the countertops with a metal blade Excuse me sir is Cooper Lind working here now He’s on the lifts, the man said without looking up My heart jumped into my hands

Can I speak to him?

You can call him on my walkie and he’ll come down here Or maybe he wouldn’t if he knew it was me I had to try

The man handed me the device but I had trouble keeping it in my bending hands so Harrison steadied them and I was about to press the button when Harrison pointed to a switch on the side The switch read “announcement”

We looked around and saw a white speaker horn attached to the edge of the building Identical speakers lined the poles all the way up the slope, to the top Harrison mouthed announcement?

I looked at the man, who was still scraping his grime, and nodded Harrison flicked the switch

I cleared my throat, and the rumbling went straight from my mouth up the mountainside, echoing so loud that every person working nearby looked up None of them were Coop

So I said, as clear as I could, trying not to laugh, WOULD DUMBSHIT PLEASE REPORT TO THE LODGE

Harrison erupted in a fit, Mom covered Bette’s ears, and Dad covered Davy’s, but we were all doubling over DUMBSHIT TO THE LODGE PLEASE I repeated

The man scraping grime shook his head and held out his hand for the walkie I watched the slope

Three figures had been working, and they kept working Maybe he wasn’t coming

Maybe he thought I was trying to humiliate him I thought about grabbing the walkie again and announcing I LOVE YOU, COOPER LIND, I’M SORRY, PLEASE COME BACK TO ME

But then a figure came out from behind the base of the chairlift, holding a wrench, flipping it like it was no big deal, walking slow, like he was coming down for lunch break He was wearing a ball cap but I knew it was Coop, he took it off, and his hair fell out I came out of the office, my family stayed inside I realized I had been holding my heart in my hand the whole time so I put it back in my chest where it started ticking again When he saw me he started walking faster

And then running

He stopped himself, pausing for just a moment, and I reached in and stopped my heart Coop, I called, and I have never been so happy to see someone in my entire life His face broke into a smile and he ran the rest of the way down

hello memory book it’s cooper lind. i just wanted to let you know that sammie mccoy is the love of my life and i was dumb to spend more than an hour apart from her. i was afraid that she and stuart had gotten back together. even when i received her texts i got this sick fear that she just wanted to meet me to tell me that it was over, that she was caught up in the moment, or that she had made a mistake. i shouldn’t have been afraid. in fact i didn’t even know what fear really felt like until the last eight hours i’ve spent awake in the waiting room of dartmouth medical center.

sammie had a seizure that sent her into shock. she’s in stable condition now, but she wasn’t before, and if she had gone that quickly, without me even getting to say goodbye, i would have wanted to lie down in the street. she’s awake now and talking to her family.