The Memory Book(67)
We shifted my body on top of his and my hair hung on his face, and he brushed it away, and I kissed his neck, and he rolled me on my back and kissed my neck, and then down on top of my shirt, to my waist, and then onto the skin between my shirt and my jeans, and he unbuttoned my jeans, and there was more, there was more.
As Coop was touching me it was like my muscles started climbing big steps, and I was breathing really fast and Coop asked if I was all right, if I wanted to keep going, and yes I wanted to keep going. All of a sudden I was at the top of the steps. I knew I was at the top because between my legs there was something I can only describe as a feeling as strong as pain but the exact opposite of pain, or maybe I could say that Coop’s fingers turned my body into a camera flash, hot and fast and bright, something you knew was coming but surprises you anyway.
After, in my mind, there was gratitude that I climbed with Coop, that I found who I was supposed to find, that what we did on the blanket was true and correct and just ours. Just me and Coop’s.
This is the story I will tell over and over.
I’m tired but only in my body.
I’m not tired anywhere else.
BAD
I fell asleep next to Coop and it was the stupidest thing to do, well, not what we did before, before that was the best night of my f*cking life, but I wish we had gotten in the Blazer right away after, but it was so nice to fall asleep with my arms around his hard warm chest So I wasn’t home when Mom checked on me in the morning, and found an empty bed, she almost fainted she said She called Coop but of course he didn’t answer because we were asleep So then she assumed I had gone somewhere with Stuart because he was supposed to have gotten home last night She called Stuart and he said, yes he was home, but I wasn’t with him She called the cops
The cops told Mom they couldn’t search for me until I was missing for forty-eight hours, and she couldn’t go out to find me because Dad had already gone to work, and she couldn’t leave the kids So she called Stuart again and he went looking for me everywhere, first to Maddie’s, then to school, then around town Meanwhile Coop and I woke up
Well, he woke up, I didn’t know where I was I knew I was at the Potholes, and I knew Coop, but I couldn’t remember what we had done at first or how we had gotten there, but I was feeling really good for some reason, I remember, and I gave him a hug, and he tried to bring me back and tell me everything As he did that Stuart called me and I picked up because that’s what people do when someone calls them I shouldn’t have picked up
WHERE ARE YOU
I told him where I was because that’s what people do when someone asks them I was just being stupid, not Sammie, who is usually very smart STAY WHERE YOU ARE I remember him saying
When Stuart got to the Potholes, Coop and I were sitting on the blanket together and my memory was returning, especially the part where I loved him, and he had his hand on my back, rubbing my back, and everything was good until We saw Stuart and stood up
His eyes went from us, to the blanket, to our messy hair and our socks and shoes next to us Stuart made a fist
He hit Coop so hard
He hit Coop so hard in the face that Coop’s mouth and nose were bleeding and tears came out of his eyes Tears came out of my eyes WHAT THE FUCK Stuart yelled
Please don’t yell, I said
Take it out on me, Coop said, come on, bring it again Don’t do that! Don’t do that, I said and stepped between them We can talk, I said, when the details began to hit me Stuart was breathing heavy
Why? he asked
I didn’t answer
What were you thinking?
Why?
Why did you do this?
Because we have feelings for each other, Cooper answered I asked Sammie, Stuart said
I don’t know, I said
And of all the people to do this with, it’s the guy who you called a dumbshit? Stuart asked and pointed at Coop What? Coop said looking at me, wiping blood from his face in a long red smear Yeah, the pothead who you told me got kicked off the baseball team Coop narrowed his eyes at me and asked me if I’d told Stuart about freshman year Yes, but not on purpose, I told him
You told HIM something I told you not to tell anyone And the way Coop was hunched over and looking at me, I’ll never forget Like I had broken his neck Like he had put his heart out for me and I had smashed it He didn’t need to say it, we were both remembering that day he told me he got kicked off the team, and how hard I had tried to keep it out of my eyes, but he could sense it, and he had said, please don’t judge me But I did, and he could feel it
So it wasn’t the day he asked me out on the date, and it wasn’t the day Coop didn’t show up to help me babysit The day we stopped being friends was the day he made a mistake, and the day I had looked down on him for it And now he was looking at me like he was about to return the favor What the hell is this, Stuart asked nobody Fuck you man, Coop said
I tried to take Cooper’s hand but he pulled it away, slick as a fish, and walked away I think you’re better than this, Stuart said to me He sat down on the ground and said, You’re selfish, I know that now Maybe it’s not your fault
But you are selfish
You kept your sickness from me because it was easier for you, you decided to break up with me because it was easier for you, and you slept with this * because it was easier for you It’s hard for me to know you this way, the way you are now I was never anyone but myself, I said, I’m sorry for what I did, but it’s true Then I didn’t really know you, he said, and I don’t want to know you Stuart stayed where he was until Mom picked me up Coop left without saying good-bye