The Memory Book(72)

a few days before the seizure sammie and i were lying in her bed and she gave me permission to read this. i suppose i want to explain myself a little bit. i mean not how sammie saw me, because these are her words and she gets to write her story, so i won’t address anything she brought up. but i would like to tell you, future sam, why i never told her i loved her until now: no f*cking clue.

trust me, i have had eight hours to mull this over in my head, but i still don’t know.

my best guess is that i am human

she gives herself a lot of credit in the brains department, as she should, but i don’t know what she was thinking when she said she was not attractive. girls like sammie confuse the average man. girls like sammie befuddle anyone who is used to being told a certain type of woman is the best possible looking woman, because she’s not that, and yet she is undeniably a knockout. sammie has these pale pink delicate lips, light brown eyes that change color in the sun, this crazy head of hair, and the way the top of her moves from the bottom of her could give a guy motion sickness. she started exhibiting these traits, or at least i started noticing them, when she was 12 and i was 12. but all of those are not what makes sammie attractive to me. you could point out a million girls with those traits. what it is, is…

i guess it’s for the same reason i didn’t tell her i loved her sooner. it’s because she has a light behind her coming from somewhere mysterious that only very strong people can take without feeling intimidated or jealous or wanting to suck it up for themselves. like confidence or something. and maybe that light is just love, and that’s what makes her so attractive to me, this endless loop of love and desire, love and desire, but i don’t think it’s just that.

so i admit it, i was kicked into gear when i saw that a disease was going to try to eat away at it. and then it was a real kick in the ass when i thought someone else was trying to take on that light. because i was stupid, and i always thought she would go somewhere, and when i was ready, whenever that would be, maybe at f*ckin 50, i don’t know. but when i was ready, i would just happen to get a job nearby and we’d reconnect and we’d spend the rest of our lives together. i was “saving” her for later. like a f*cking *.

i regret that. i regret that with every fiber of my being. i’m ready now. i was always ready.


Hey Cooper Francis Lind-Thanks for sleeping here with me. I’m going to the doctor’s. You’re the best. I think there are some breakfast hot dogs in the refrigerator that as you know are just normal hot dogs that you eat at breakfast time. I love you.

-Sammie


sammie darlin—

i have to go to work today but i will be back this afternoon to walk puppy with you if you’d like, or at least you can sit outside with us and play captain stickwoman. be aware though that davy is really into turning me into a whale lately and it is not a flattering impression. no legs will be broken though. i think.

i love you.

-cooper


to the doctor’s again coop. i hate these early appointemtnts but i love you.


samantha,

it is i, francis the goat! i have returned from the dead to express my undying love for you.

don’t eat me,

francis


cooper lind is in my bed? i think i am having a dream but i should probably wake him up i haven’t seen him since last year

i wonder if he came over after a party or something did cooper lind come over?

i should sleep on the floor


SAMMIE! MY LOVE! always wake me up. always, always, always wake me up. i know it’s not that easy for you to remember but i thought i would at least type it here in case you decide to write at night again. i’m your boyfriend now. always wake me up, always wake me up, always wake me up.


COOPER. FRANCIS. LIND.

did you smoke a j in my shed before work????

i seriously hope i am not imagining that smell either that or we have skunks


guilty sammie,

i hope you slept okay after last night. i have to go to work but if you’re feeling a little tired, just know you had a little episode. you did fine.

i love you.

coop


Coop I don’t know what I would do without you I’m really happy

-Sammie



Hi, Zam Zam! My favorite memory of us would have to be the fall of junior year when you started wearing this very strange, cheap kind of Chap Stick, which you applied normally at first, and then it was like your lips got addicted to it and you didn’t realize. Remember? And this was before we were friends, so I didn’t know if I should say something or not, but it was like, you would come to practice, and as you were making an affirmative speech, you would be putting on this Chap Stick without even realizing it, pacing around, and your lips started to get tinted this bluish purple. I think when Mrs. Townsend stopped you in the hallway and asked you if you were cold, you realized you had to stop. You came up to me like a heroin junkie and handed me the tube and you were like, Maddie, HIDE THIS FROM ME. That’s when I knew: you were not just a nerd with vicious cross-examination skills, you were a weirdo just like me. And you will always, always be in my weirdo heart where you belong. You pushed me to be better in every single way because of your strength and ferocity and your pure grip on every moment. You’re true blue, Samantha McCoy. You changed my life. I’m going to try to call you tomorrow without losing it. Thanks to your mom and your lovely Cooper for reaching out to me down here in Atlanta. (By the way, COOPER LIND? Your neighbor?? I knew it! Did you know he used to come to all the debate tournaments we had in Hanover? I was always like, who’s that stoner bro in the back of the room?) I will love you always.