The Firework Exploded (The Holidays #3)(46)

Things can always get worse around my family, mark my words.





Chapter 17




Pay Attention to Me and My Dick Fire!

Sam




My eyes stay locked on Noel’s, even when she gets stopped a few times on her way up to me and has to look away. They always come back to me, and I search her face for any signs of homicidal thoughts as the fast rhythm of “Crazy Bitch” suddenly slows to an even more unromantic tempo.

“It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter,” I whisper under my breath, repeating the same words Noel made me say back in the house, hoping she can see my lips moving and know what I’m saying so she doesn’t freak out.

I’m actually kind of surprised she looks so calm when our beautiful, Ohio State-themed wedding has literally exploded in a fiery inferno all around us. It makes me feel confident that she knows what I’m whispering is true, even if she can’t hear me. Nothing matters but saying our vows and making this official.

Even after our sweaty quickie in the house, Noel looks just as beautiful as she did when I first walked into that room and saw her holding a fan by her vagina. Her gorgeous dress might now be stained with several months’ build-up of jizz and what looks like blood, but her hair still falls around her shoulders in perfect waves and the jeweled clip that holds one side of her hair up by her ear is still perfectly in place.

I’m so busy being mesmerized by how beautiful she is and blocking out the screaming, shouting and explosions of fireworks, that I don’t hear whatever Reggie shouts at me. I look away from Noel too late, not giving myself any time to run.

Reggie is suddenly in front of me, blocking my view of Noel and his fist slams into my stomach so hard that it knocks the wind out of me. My hands fly to my stomach and I bend forward at the waist, dry-heaving and trying to breathe through the pain. Through my misery as I stare down at my feet, I hear Noel and Bev come up to us, both of them screaming at Reggie.

I squeeze my eyes closed until the nausea goes away, breathing through my nose as I quickly lift myself back upright. I probably should have listened to the warning Alex gave us back at the house about keeping our eyes open and our heads down. Sure, I had my eyes open now, but I didn’t keep my head down and I definitely didn’t scan the area for danger before I popped back up.

A loud whistling sound screeches all around us, sounding much closer than any of the others before it, but since it’s the middle of the day and kind of hard to see fireworks, I had no idea where it was headed until it was too late. Suddenly, I see the side of Noel’s skirt fly up like something whizzed past it and then, I’m dying.

“OH, MY GOD! MY DRESS IS ON FIRE, MY DRESS IS ON FIRE!” Noel shouts in a panic as I drop to my knees in the grass.

My mouth is open and I know I’m screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one looks in my direction and no one cares that everything burns and I’M FUCKING DYING. They all dive on Noel, taking her to the ground as they quickly smack and pat at the fabric by her legs that caught fire when a firework flew by her dress.

The same firework that made a beeline right for my dick, slammed into it with the force of a sledgehammer and left behind nothing but burning ash and cinders where my dick used to be, going by how bad it f*cking hurts.

My body tips to the side like a fallen tree, my shoulder slamming into the ground and my arms sticking straight out in front of me, my elbows locked and my hands clenched into fists as I continue screaming, but no one hears me. I want to move my hands to cover my dick, but I’m scared to death that it will hurt even more if I touch it. And I’m also scared as f*ck that when my hands get there, my dick will still be on fire and there’s no way in hell I want people smacking it and patting it to put the fire out because JESUS MOTHER OF FUCKING FUCKS IT BURNS LIKE THE MOTHER FUCKING SURFACE OF THE FUCKING SUN!

“Honey, are you okay? Does anything hurt? You poor thing!” Aunt Bobbie cries as everyone moves off of Noel and she helps her up from the ground while I continue lying here in agony.

“Wow, that really was a vintage dress. One little spark and the whole skirt went up in flames,” Bev muses, rubbing her hand up and down Noel’s arm as they stare at the front of her dress.

I’ve stopped screaming at this point since that just made everything hurt worse, and no one gives a f*ck that my dick was just incinerated on my wedding day. I writhe in pain in the grass, wondering if something else around me is on fire, or if the smell making its way to my nose is really the scent of my own burnt ball hair.

“At least we got the fire put out before you lost the entire skirt,” Aunt Bobbie states, wrapping her arm around Noel’s shoulder. “You’ve still got a few good inches left on that thing to cover up your hoo-ha.”

They all laugh as they look down at what’s left of Noel’s skirt, the edge hanging down at the top of her thighs and indeed covering her hoo-ha, laying in black, burnt tatters all around her bare legs.

The scent from moments ago finally engulfs me, so horrible that I dry-heave, my body jerking forward with the need to throw up and or cry, worrying that the smell of burnt ball hair has made its way up to me because my dick is still on fire.

When my knees come up as I heave, white-hot pain explodes between my legs a thousand times worse than seconds ago, and I can’t stop the painful cry that flies out of my mouth when my vision starts fading in and out. I really feel like one of these f*cking people should be checking on me now that they know Noel is no longer at risk of becoming one big ball of fire, because I HAVE TWO BIG BALLS THAT ARE ACTUALLY ON FUCKING FIRE!