The Firework Exploded (The Holidays #3)(47)

Knowing I most likely need medical attention STAT, I grit my teeth and scream as loud as I can.

“MY MOTHER FUCKING DICK IS ON MOTHER FUCKING FIRE! PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND MY DICK FIRE!”

The band suddenly stops playing, everyone in the yard stops screaming, and somehow, one of the guests figured out how to stop the fireworks from going off every two seconds. The quietness in the yard is only interrupted by a quiet curse from Fat Ralph, complaining that things were just starting to get fun and now he’s bored. The silence only lasts for a couple of seconds before everyone staring down at me in shock suddenly realizes what I’ve yelled and they all start shouting and moving.

“SAM!” Noel screams in a panic, dropping down next to me and pulling my head onto her lap.

“Reggie, call an ambulance!” Bev cries, coming over to crouch down behind Noel.

“Tell us where it hurts, Sam,” Alex demands, bending over to poke and prod at my neck, shoulders and chest, asking me after each jab of his finger if it hurts.

I smack his hand away, crying out when I move. Noel runs her hands through my hair to try and sooth me, but not even the touch of her hand can stop the blistering pain between my legs.

“What can I do? Tell me what to do?” Noel asks with a quivering, terrified voice.

I hold my body perfectly still with my head in her lap, looking up at her with tears of pain streaming down my face.

“I just need you to look down at my dick and tell me if it’s on fire,” I tell her through wheezing pants. “If the fire is out, please don’t touch it or the ashes of my burnt dick will crumble in your hands and float away with the breeze.”

Aunt Bobbie suddenly pushes her way through the crowd that has gathered around us.

“EVERYONE OUT OF MY WAY! THIS MAN NEEDS THE COOLING TOUCH OF MY LIPS ON HIS MEMBER!” she shouts, falling to the ground on all fours and crawling toward me.

“Holy shiiiii-iiiiiiit!” Fat Ralph exclaims, stretching the curse out into two syllables as he stares down at me. “You done caught one of those wily fireworks with your dick. And here I thought you were a *. I lit a firework and shot it out of my ass once, but stopping a firework with your dick? That’s some straight-up gangster shit right there.”

He bends down and holds his fist out for me to bump, shrugging and stepping back when I don’t move because I’m too busy literally feeling the blisters form on my shaft and balls and not caring one bit that I’m full-on crying like a baby with my head in Noel’s lap.

“Did you get hit by the same firework that torched my dress? In the balls?” Noel asks in shock, her head turning to look down between my legs.

She tries to cover her cringe with a scary, teeth-clenched smile when she quickly looks away from the scorched crotch of my pants and back to me, but I saw the fear in her eyes and can only imagine what it looks like down there.

“It’s okay, it’s fine. I’m sure it’s not as bad as it looks,” she reassures me through her teeth and fake smile.

“It looks like someone doused his dick in gasoline and lit a match,” Reggie mumbles, which earns him a smack to the thigh from Bev, who is still crouched down behind Noel.

“It’s YOUR fault if our son-in-law’s penis is melted off and they can never give us more grandchildren!” she shouts at him before turning back to speak softly at me, look down at my face with a fake smile that matches Noel’s. “It’s fine, Sam. Just a teeny tiny little burn that I’m sure a little ointment will fix.”

Nicholas appears out of nowhere, panting and out of breath as he pushes through all the people still standing around staring at the burning embers of my penis.

“I ran back to the house and got something that will help,” he announces, tossing a bag of frozen peas at me.

As soon as the cold, hard bag of tiny frozen vegetable balls lands on my lap with a flop, my eyes bug out of my head and I let out a blood curdling scream. The crowd collectively gasps in sympathy, all of them taking a few steps back when a string of curses flies from my mouth that consist mostly of alternating versions of “Fuck, f*ck, f*ck, my f*cking dick!” and “Fucking mother f*cker shit f*ck shitting f*cker, my f*cking dick!”

I continue sobbing and swearing nonsense as my dick throbs in the most excruciating pain I’ve ever experienced while Nicholas and Alex deal with the guests, getting them to stop gawking at me and finally move away by reminding them about the free, open bar.

I keep right on crying and cursing as Noel continues running her fingers through my hair and I hear a siren in the distance get louder and louder. The ambulance backs right up along the side of the house and into the backyard with the help of Reggie directing its way, stopping a few feet from where I’m lying.

The cursing and the crying continues as the two EMS workers hustle out of the vehicle, open the back doors to pull out the gurney, one of them kindly asking Noel to move out of the way so they can lift me up onto it. I’m still mumbling random “f*cks” of pain as the two men lean over my body that they’ve strapped to the bed on wheels and take a few seconds to assess the situation. I finally stop carrying on like a baby – a baby with its mother f*cking dick on fire– but I only stop because one of them suddenly rips away what’s left of the burnt crotch of my pants that melted to my balls, and I pass out before the scream of agony gets past my lips.