The Firework Exploded (The Holidays #3)(48)

Chapter 18




That’s Not Where Pee Goes

Noel


“Are you sure you want to do this here?” I ask Sam softly, sitting next to him on the edge of the bed, holding his hand in mine.

“I don’t want to wait one more second, but are YOU sure you want to do this here?” he repeats back, bringing our hands up to kiss the top of mine. “This isn’t exactly a dream wedding location, and do you really want to marry me knowing I’m a *?”

I shake my head at him and take a minute to look around the small hospital room where we’ve been for the last six hours while Sam was treated for a small, circular burn right in the middle of the shaft of his penis. Just like my mother reassured him in the yard, it was nothing a little ointment couldn’t fix.

When Sam passed out after the EMS ripped some of the burnt material of his pants away from his skin, I lost about ten years off of my life riding in that ambulance with him while he was unconscious. He came to as soon as the ambulance pulled into the hospital, and when the EMS workers told us it wasn’t anything serious, Sam went a little crazy. He argued with them in the ambulance, as they pushed him through the hospital doors, down the hall and didn’t stop until the doctor came in and confirmed what they had told us. Even between winces of pain every time he moved, he hasn’t stopped calling himself a sissy, *, big baby, and every other insult he can think of after the doctor left the room, up until this moment.

Before I can reassure him that I would never think he was a *, a nurse walks into the room to clean off the area and apply some topical cream. We both watch her quietly as she works and I figure Sam must be feeling a little less angry and argumentative with the nice, young woman. And then she has to go and speak.

“If you didn’t have high blood pressure issues, we’d immediately discharge you for such a minor injury,” she states, dragging Sam’s hospital gown back down and pulling off her blue rubber gloves. “The doctor wants to keep an eye on your levels for a little while before we send you home.”

When she turns to toss her gloves into the trash can, Sam’s head whips to mine.

“Did you hear the way she said minor injury, all judgy-like?” he whispers. “The only reason my blood pressure is so high is because they keep calling my melted dick a minor injury. I’d like to know how SHE’D feel if someone lit her vagina on fire. We’ll see who’s the * THEN.”

Sam shuts his mouth and we both give the nurse a tight-lipped smile when she finishes writing on his chart, tells us she’ll be back to check on him in a little while and leaves the room.

“You aren’t a *, stop saying that,” I scold him when we’re finally alone.

Leaning down, I press my lips to Sam’s for a quick kiss before pulling back to continue what I was saying.

“I really think the doctor just didn’t fully grasp the severity of the situation. I mean sure, the firework only left behind a really small burn, but the spark that burnt off all your ball hair and melted the crotch of your pants is going to leave behind a lot of scars,” I remind him. “I mean, not actual scars, but you know, nightmares and stuff.”

Sam smiles up at me for the first time since we got here, wrapping his hand around the back of my neck and pulling my face closer to his.

“And this is one of the reasons why I love you and want to marry you right this minute. You totally get me,” he speaks softly.

“I love you more,” I whisper, wrapping my hand around his forearm. “I don’t care if we get married in the most perfect, beautiful setting, in the middle of a firework catastrophe with all the guest screaming and ducking for cover, or in a hospital room with you wearing a hospital gown and me wearing a half torched, blood, grass-and-jizz-stained dress. I don’t care as long as you still want to marry me and deal with my family and the chaos that follows them for the rest of our lives.”

Our lips move back toward each other and we pause right before they touch, when the door to Sam’s room opens.

“Stop sucking face,” Nicholas complains as he walks through the door. “You know you can’t have sex for like, two days until that miniscule little burn you can only see with a magnifying glass heals, right?”

He laughs at his own joke and Sam flips him off as Alex comes in right on his heels.

“What a coincidence, you can only see Sam’s dick with a magnifying glass!” he smiles, walking around to the side of Sam’s bed.

“Will you people stop talking so loudly, my head is killing me,” Scheva mutters, shuffling into the room with a pair of dark sunglasses on, moving to stand next to Alex. “Noel, I think your dad roofied me and I’m a little concerned that my vagina is sore.”

Alex flings his arm around Scheva’s shoulders and pulls her against him.

“Reggie did indeed roofie you, but the sore vagina is all me. I’d just like to state that you were two seconds away from gang-banging all of the guests and I did what I had to do to stop you from making that terrible mistake, by letting you ride just one dick this afternoon. You’re welcome.”

Scheva drops her head to Alex’s shoulder with a sigh and Sam’s small hospital room gets even smaller when my dad, mom, and Aunt Bobbie push open the door and all file in, surrounding the bed.

“Bev tells me I need to apologize for any part I played in what happened today,” my dad mumbles under his breath, rocking back and forth on his feet as he stares down at Sam. “I’m sorry my wife invited Fat Ralph to the wedding, and I’m sorry that stupid sack-of-shit touched my firework display and ruined my chances of securing the title of neighborhood firework king.”