Semper Mine (Sons of War #1)(47)

For the first time since meeting him, I think I understand better what he’s been through. Why he’s so cold. What surprises me: how right I was the first day here during our team building exercises when I guessed he was always alone. I can’t blame him, really, not when I think of Jenna almost dying. It’d kill me if she did.

The guilt of knowing I should’ve been more aware is killing me now. She’s so sweet and innocent … and she trusted me to take care of her.

How does Sawyer make it through the day with four deaths on his conscience? By staying numb to the world? What kind of life is that?

Why didn’t I stop to think about what he’s going through at any point over the past four months? How can he take the time for something like wrapping my wrist when I’ve been blaming him for Mikael’s death?

I haven’t been able to stop these thoughts since last night, when I fell asleep with Jenna in my arms.

Sawyer is human, someone hurting as much as I do. And that disturbs me for too many reasons. I want to help him and hate him, melt into his arms and run away.

I don’t know what to think about him anymore.

“You swim in your clothes?” Petr calls as I enter the quad area.

I wave him away.

“Hey, Baba wants you home this morning.”

“What?” I face him, not expecting this news. “Why?”

“Not sure. He called last night and said he needs you back.”

I frown. “Is he okay?”

“I think so.” Petr is hiding something. He has a little tell, a crunching of the corner of his right eye. I learned it when he was lying to doctors about his pain level, because he’s too stubborn to admit when he needs help. “Zach is on his way to get you. I’ll pack up your stuff and bring it by this afternoon.”

“Now?” I ask. Before I see if Sawyer is serious about kissing me later? I feel like a teen who’s never had a boyfriend. Why does the idea of him holding me excite me so much?

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Well, I need to say goodbye to Sawyer. Captain Mathis. I mean, the kids,” I stammer. “Just the kids.”

Petr’s eyebrow rises. He considers me for a minute. “The guys are coming by Saturday before they ship out.”

Ship out. Any excitement I experience about seeing Captain Mathis dissipates instantly. It’s not possible for me to forget who and what he is, but for a short while … I don’t know. I forgot that his reality is so far different from mine. Maybe I really am not thinking straight. I’ve never considered dating someone who spends his life overseas. I don’t even know if there’s anything between us that would survive a deployment, considering we know nothing about one another. I lost track of my own brothers when they were gone. How can two people who barely know one another even consider something like this?

How can I see this as anything other than what it is: a potential one-night stand, however incredible it might be? He’s got to resent me for how I’ve acted towards him, even if he does want to sleep with me.

You’re an idiot, Katya.

“Never mind,” I murmur. “Let me grab my purse and I’ll go out front.”

“I’ll walk with you.”

My spirits are sinking. They shouldn’t be. I came here determined to hate Captain Mathis and am leaving doubting everything from why I bothered to come to the camp in the first place to who I should really blame for Mikael’s death.

“Captain Mathis won’t have a partner,” I murmur. He’s more than capable of taking care of the kids on his own, but I kind of want to stay. And run. And cry because I’m so freaking confused.

“Harris is leaving this morning,” Petr says. “We’ll combine the two teams.”

“Harris?” I echo.

“Family emergency or something.”

Petr isn’t usually vague or moody like he is now. I’m not sure what’s wrong with him.

“Your leg okay?” I ask.

“Great! Can’t wait to tell the doc how many of his rules I broke.”

“Petr!”

He grins, his dark mood vanishing. He’s not usually clingy either. He doesn’t leave my side, even following me into my room. I’d normally yell at him, but I appreciate the company this morning. I’m feeling hollow again. He walks me through the dorm, where the kids are still sleeping, and along the trail leading to the front of camp.

I feel kind of like I’m giving up. Or that I failed Mikael this week by leaving early. I don’t say anything to Petr, knowing Mikael is never far from his thoughts, either. We wait quietly for Zach. When he comes, I hug Petr and go home.

In a way, I’m glad I’m leaving early. I’m not sure what would’ve happened between Sawyer and me, had I stayed. I can’t quite understand my own feelings or why I suddenly need space, even from Petr, even if that means not watching over him to make sure he’s okay.

There’s too much stimulus here. I’m drowning in emotions and struggling to hang on to my anger about Mikael being gone, because it’s the only thing that helps me through the day.

As we pull into the driveway of my home, I realize I can no longer summon the emotion to blame Sawyer Mathis. I’m angry with him, but it’s tempered by the knowledge that both of us are suffering, and neither of us has healed from my brother’s death. It’s hard to blame someone that I innately want to help, someone broken like me.