Semper Mine (Sons of War #1)(43)

The images his words create disturb me, more so because I can see her running into a fire to save someone she cared about. The woman I wrote off as a superficial bitch when we first met has incredible courage and loyalty to those she loves that puts a lot of Marines I know to shame. I get the sense she doesn’t let many people near her, but those she does, she keeps, defends, and loves to her last breath.

This knowledge is what makes me so uneasy. Temper aside, she’s an incredible woman.

“She’s a lot like you and Mikael,” I say, recalling how Mikael didn’t even blink before sacrificing himself to clear a path for the rest of us to escape.

“Except I can’t throw as well.” Petr chuckles.

I smile. The more I learn about Katya, the more troubled I feel. I can’t exactly pinpoint why Petr’s explanation bothers me so much.

I don’t want to care for her. I don’t want our attraction to mean or become something more than physical lust.

“The guys said you went from cold to ice after the incident,” Petr says softly. “Slightly suicidal, I hear, too. Taking risks no one else would dream of.”

I don’t respond.

“You, uh, know it’s not your fault, don’t you?”

“That can’t be farther from the truth,” I say in a hushed voice. “I sent the team in.” I don’t want to talk about this with anyone. I feel … obligated with Petr, though, given everything that happened that night.

“You didn’t know. We all thought it was clear.”

“Doesn’t matter.” I shake my head. “Your lives are my responsibility.”

“You’re a good man, Captain Mathis, but you’re as f*cking stubborn as Katya. What happened that night, what happens any night when things go wrong, is just the way war is. Sometimes no matter what choice you make, something’s going to go wrong.”

I listen.

“Mikael understood that, too,” he continues. “We all knew what we signed up for and that we might not come back one day. It doesn’t make it easier to lose someone, but his death is not your burden.”

“I tend to agree with your sister on this one,” I try to joke. It falls flat.

“She knows it, too. If she hated you, truly hated you, she wouldn’t be near you. I think some part of her wants to understand you. Mikael chose to save you as much as me, and you are the only reason any of us made it out. Whether or not she will admit it, that means something to her. You mean something to her, because Mikael gave his life for yours.”

I stare into the night. First Katya says I’m broken, and now Petr seems to be agreeing. I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want to admit that maybe my inability to sleep is an issue, that my actions in battle since that night have been more risky than usual.

I don’t want to think about the idea that one day, I might have to return from Iraq, and there’s nothing waiting for me, because I’m pretty sure I’ve decided to die in battle at some point. Leaving the war gives me time to think, which is why I’ve been avoiding taking the leave that my commander recommended. If not for this week at camp, I wouldn’t have come back to the States unless I was ordered to or in a box.

If I were listening to one of my guys tell me this, I’d have to refer him to counseling.

“I can see my wounds.” Petr slaps his metal leg. “I think yours are just as important to take care of.”

“Maybe you’re right,” I reply. I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s not in me to take a break from leading the team to nurse my wounds. The Corps and my missions are all that have ever meant anything to me. I’d rather keep active and find another way to address my issues. “Between us, I think Katya needs to be in counseling.”

“She does. Baba and I have talked about it recently. She might listen to you better than us,” Petr says ruefully.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

“I am. If you’re brave enough to tell her.”

I think I did earlier. “I’ll handle it.” I don’t know why it makes me smile, but it does. “Three tours in Iraq, Petr, and you can’t manage your sister.”

He chuckles. “I’ll leave that to the experts. I’m not sure how to handle her sometimes. There are days when I think she needs a babysitter and those when she’s all that’s standing between me and the pain.”

I listen, not surprised to hear his views on his sister. My thoughts return to Harris. As much as I want to bury him in the forest, I’m thinking more than ever that Petr is the one who should handle him.

“Petr.” I stop, hesitating. “I want to tell you something, but I want you not to react to it without some thought.”

“This can’t be good.” His curious blue eyes are on me.

“It’s Harris. I think he’s gotten a little … aggressive with your sister.”

All humor fades from Petr’s features, replaced by the stony expression he gets before a fight. I can feel him tense beside me.

“She thinks she can handle it. I think she shouldn’t ever be alone with him again,” I add.

“What do you mean aggressive?” The lethal tone tells me he’s not going to take this too well.

“Just keep an eye out.” I have a feeling if he knew, he’d show none of the restraint I’m compelled to and will beat the shit out of Harris. Harris deserves it, and I’m tempted to say more.