Semper Mine (Sons of War #1)(48)

I go to my room without saying hello to my father. I need to be alone right now. I need to sort through everything in my head.

***

A day passes and then a second and a third. Baba never does tell me why he pulled me out of camp. I wonder if it’s the Brianna issue. If so, it’s absolutely my fault for not being more mature about seeing her.

Petr sends pics, and I smile when I see them and save them, so I don’t ever forget this week.

Captain Mathis, however, never bothers to text again. Not even one of his annoying Where are you messages that drove me crazy. I’m not sure what to think about his silence, except that maybe everything we went through this week was a matter of circumstances rather than any real attraction.

For him maybe. I end the week rawer than when I started it. The only good thing about this all: I don’t have to be in the rain that started the day I left and continues to storm through Saturday. It washes out the barbecue the guys on Petr’s team were supposed to have today. It’s left them confined to the house and me avoiding the common areas downstairs, so I don’t accidentally run into anyone.

I don’t feel up to it, especially since I’m pretty sure Brianna was invited. Every time I mess up, she rags on me, and I’m sick of it. I tell myself this is the reason I don’t go downstairs, but I’m pretty sure it’s to avoid Sawyer Mathis and the complicated mess of emotions surrounding every interaction with him.

Baba taps on my door in a familiar rhythm. I close the browser on my laptop and lean back from the office corner of my large bedroom.

“Kitty-Khav?” He opens the door. His large face breaks into a smile. “Why are you hiding?”

“I’m not hiding. I don’t want to be around anyone,” I reply curtly.

“You’ve been up here for days.”

“Just thinking, Baba.”

He enters my room and closes the door behind him. My father goes to the couch facing a fireplace and sits, patting the spot beside him. Reluctantly, I join him. He wraps an arm around me the way he always does and kisses my forehead.

I sigh and sink into his warmth. He smells of his spicy aftershave, and his bushy beard tickles my temple.

“What is bothering you, kotyonik?” he asks. “It is not like you to hide.”

I debate what to tell him. “It was a rough week,” I say finally. “Being in the forest made me miss Mikael too much.”

“He loved the forest.”

“Yeah, I know.”

We sit in silence.

“Petr and the boys will miss you, if you do not come down.”

“I don’t want to see anyone.” Especially not Captain Mathis. I want to erase him from my life and curl up in his arms simultaneously. I can’t really handle those emotions. I’ve been in deep thought for days and my head remains a disaster area.

“What is this?” Baba leans down to the coffee table to grab a jewelry box I forgot about.

“Nothing.” I reach for it.

“We love secrets.” He chuckles and plays keep away, finally flicking it open with his thumb. “I have not seen one of these in a very long time.”

My face is hot. I take the box and close it.

“Ruptured Duck,” he continues. “Mint condition. You looked hard for it?”

“No. Just … whatever.”

“Who is it for?”

“No one, Baba.”

I bought it the day after I came back with express shipping, wanting to give it to Captain Mathis, so he’d have his lucky charm when he returns to Iraq. I then decided it wasn’t a good idea. He’s not the kind of man I need in my life, and I don’t want him thinking there’s something between us, when there can’t be.

He’s a career military man. I’m a trust fund baby who can’t figure out what to do with her life, but I’m pretty sure it’s not wait around for a deployed boyfriend to come back from Iraq. I will never stop opposing the war and violence, and he will never stop being involved in them.

Even if the war is fought by good men like him and my brothers.

I’ve never been so conflicted in my life.

Fingering the box, I open it and stare at the little gold lapel pin I spent hours hunting down. I still wonder where he got his, since he’s an orphan. Was his charm the last piece of family history he had? He said it mattered to him and had for ten years.

If so, and I give him another one …

It’s way, way too complicated and intimate a gesture for someone I need to forget. I’ve given myself a headache debating what to do about the stupid duck pin.

“Baba, I think I need to go into counseling again,” I murmur, closing the gift that will never leave my room. “This week really … really brought a few things to light.” My voice is trembling.

“I think, this is good.”

My father has a talent for dramatic understatement. The words sound simple, but it’s his way of saying it’s a damn good idea.

“Katya moya has not been happy since she was nine. Always trying to protect her father and brothers to make sure she doesn’t lose them,” he says. “You need to be Kitty-Khav and let go of us all. I promise. We can land on our feet like my kitten can.”

I rest my head on his shoulder, listening to his gruff, soft voice. “I feel so lost without him, Baba,” I whisper.