See How She Awakens (The Chronicles of Izzy #4)(55)

I see it in your eyes when you speak of him. He is your home, your whole being. How I long to be the one you see in that way, but I will never press this upon you. Your happiness, your wellbeing is all that matters. Yet here I sit, with the truth that will bring your world crumbling to the ground.

How will you ever forgive me? How could you? I, who have done nothing but take from you. I, who have irrevocably altered your very makeup. Every step I have taken in your life has led you down this path. I cannot tell you the truth, so for now I will write the whole of it. Of how our journey began, every step that will lead us to that infernal day. I owe you the truth.

My throat tightened as I read the words. This was what I’d been looking for in the stacks of papers. But the truth of it, the reality of knowing Aberto had carried this burden, was too much. He’d done his best to protect me, even at the risk of me never forgiving him. Tears streamed down my face to splash on the paper as I read.

This journey began as many others, I was given a task. The Seer was to be born unto the earth, the great protector. I was to guard her and blind her to the truth until the time came when all should be revealed. You were nothing more than another task to complete so that my penance would be paid. But, like all things with you, it did not unfold according to plan.

I have not allowed myself to form any emotional attachments. For thousands of years I have walked this world alone, unmoved by a single being.

At first, it was easy to remain objective. You were nothing more than a child, a ridiculous infantile creature that needed to be kept in the dark. Even as you grew, I held no regard for you. I was there, I watched you as a child, and while you amused me and I felt some sort of attachment, I was not moved. Through trial and error, I managed to form a barrier between you and the dreaming. So, my constant presence was no longer required in your life. I would return from time to time to assess the barrier and make adjustments, but I would not linger.

When the nightmares began, just before your twenty-fifth birthday, I returned. Watching you in the dreaming, fight against what was really a vision, something changed. Deep in my soul, I knew I would never be the same. Your safety became my only priority.

Everything in me called out to reveal myself, to show you the truth of what awaited you. I wanted to prepare you, but my vows prevented me from interfering. You were to face the coming days unassisted. The heavens granted that when the time revealed itself, when the Symbol-smith was called forth, I could show myself. The laws must be abided, they were of the utmost importance. I would not ascend past this existence if I did not consign myself to the guidance the heavens provided.

You might have wondered at my neglect, why I never stepped in when you fell captive to Xavier. The truth of the matter is I still cared more for myself and my own future than I did for you. I have been a selfish creature my entire life. Only caring for what would allow me to move on, what would pay my penance. Though I’d begun to form an attachment, I could not be moved to act.

Then the torture began. A piece of me was forever changed watching you endure torment after torment. I sought you out, I tried to reach you, but in your fear, you managed to block anyone from assisting you. Powerless, I did the only thing I could. I waited, and I watched as you fought to maintain control.

In those days two things became abundantly clear. You were far stronger than even the heavens had predicted, and I would tear apart heaven itself to protect you, even if it meant damning my soul to walk this existence eternally. From that moment to this, I’ve done all I could to keep you safe, to prepare you to fulfill what you were called to do.

I wanted so badly to be as your Guardian, to keep you from harm. But I have been what he cannot. He is too close to see the truth of you, to know, as I know, you will not stop until those you love are safe. Your compassion, your love for those you do not even know, is what drives you. Perhaps that compassion is what first pulled me to you; it was something I lost long ago. I saw the world and its inhabitants as tedious chores to be dealt with. Watching you, seeing the world from your perspective, had begun to change me. I knew the only way I could protect you was to prepare you.

Kennan thought me reckless with your life, perhaps in a way he was right. Perhaps I should have treated you as the precious gift you are. But I did not. I thrust you into a battle, barely prepared. Yet you went willingly, once more risking yourself for the sake of others. I rebuked you for being selfish, for thinking only of your needs, when in truth I was afraid. I knew if your entire focus was not on the task at hand, you may forever be lost. I could not bear it.

Then it happened, I almost lost you forever, and in my moment of fear and selfish desire to keep you, I changed you forever. I know not what the cost of my actions will be; I only knew, in that moment, \ nothing in the universe would allow me to let you go. Perhaps you would not be here now if I hadn’t been so selfish. Perhaps the future pain you must endure could’ve been prevented.

What is the point of this? Why am I pouring these words out? In truth, I seek some absolution for my sins. I wish the unthinkable, I seek the unattainable.

I will love you every moment of every day of my long existence, and I will do all I can to protect you. I know you have your home, your heart. I know when it is taken from you, your heart will be devastated. I will never ask for your love in return. I do not deserve it. I’ve brought you nothing but pain, heartache, and destruction. I only ask you find it in your heart, the heart so full of compassion for this world, to forgive me. I’ve wronged you in unforgivable ways. I have selfishly pressed onward, putting you at risk in the process.