Saviour (Saviour #1)(37)

“Good morning, you smell delicious”

“Good morning, I smell of you”

“Yea? Well I like the smell of you smelling of me” I can hear the smile in his voice as he pulls me tighter. I feel… How do I feel? I have that Christmas morning feeling, the one you only get for a few years, those years when you truly believe. I used to squeeze my eyes so tightly shut Christmas eve night, I would end up with a headache, so determined was I, NOT to see Father Christmas. My parents always told me if I were to see him, he would know and wouldn’t leave any presents. Just to add to the tension, as we approached the living room door, my dad would always say “Hmmmm, not sure if he’s been, are you sure you have all been good?”

I used to feel sick with excitement and anticipation, of course there were always presents, way too many usually. And that pretty much sums up how I am feeling now. My stomach is permanently in my throat, continuously threatening to escape, my mind only seems to have brief moments of clarity, so bombarded with questions as it is, I think it’s just gone into sleep mode, it’s there, if I really need it, otherwise, it’s resting, saving it’s energy for whatever might be next, and that’s my other reason for feeling the way I do, anticipation. I have no idea what will happen to me, I have left my cheating, wife beating husband and moved in with a man I met four days ago, or is it five or six? I have no money, no car, f*ck, I don’t even have any clothes but despite all of this, I am in seventh heaven. He has done that, Gabriel, Gabriel f*cking Wilde, he makes me feel like anything is possible, there are never any put downs or snide remarks, just words of encouragement. I know it’s very early days, Christ, we only had sex for the first time yesterday, but even before then, there was something, something more and if I can find a way through all my hang ups and issues Jay has left me with, we might stand a chance. I’m great in the throes of passion, up for almost anything but in the cold light of day, too many of Jays little comments pop back into my head. He always used to say he was joking if he mentioned my belly was wobbly or my boobs were saggy, but that little seed of doubt was sewn and is now too embedded in my psyche to ever get rid of. But I have come to a decision, this has got to change, I am not going to let him rule the rest of my life! I unwittingly let out a very long sigh and immediately feel him still beside me.

“What’s wrong, you okay?”

I take a breath in. “Yeah, it’s nothing, just all my old insecurities, I’ve never realised what a mess I am. I need to stop overthinking every thought that goes through my head. I know I come across as confident but I'm so not and I really need to work on that. He really has f*cked with my mind Gabe and I am only just realising to what degree. Why didn’t I see it, why didn’t I get out sooner?”

He kisses my hair and my head some more.

“Because you were waiting for me”

What a beautiful thing to say, he has truly just made my day, my life even. He says it like it’s so blatantly obvious, like it’s a fact. My whole life has brought me to him; has led me across the world and through a marriage, all so that I could find him. Once again I’m overwhelmed by him and the matter of fact way of him, his directness and that’s all it takes and I’m off again. Bloody hell, not tears, not again, this really does need to stop. Gabe must be so over this. He turns me around to face him. The tears are rolling down my face freely, no point in trying to hide them from him, I've told him more than I've ever admitted to anyone about my issues and cried so often over these past days, I am sure he must be ready to run for the hills at any moment. He brushes the tears from my face as best he can and kisses my forehead

“Lauren, just always try and remember, I’m not him, I know this is hard for you but what you've come to accept as normal, really isn’t, I know it’s going to take time but please have a little faith in me. I don't know what else to say. I have no idea how you must be feeling. I've been a bastard to women over the years but only in that they've always wanted more from me than I've ever been prepared to give but I don't think I've ever belittled a woman, intentionally or otherwise”

Something he said earlier in the week comes back to me and I decide to go for gold and ask him about it.

“You said to me before, that you'd never had a meaningful relationship with a woman, apart from your family members but what about your wife, you had a child together, surely that was meaningful?”

He shrugs. “This is going to make me sound like a right prick, Nina was only ever meant to be a one night stand but I was so drunk, I fell asleep in her bed and was woken up in the middle of the night to her sucking my cock, so in my drunken, sleep affected state, I let her climb on top and f*ck me. I got up in the morning and left, not giving her or my actions a second thought. She called a few times and tried to hook up again but I wasn't interested, then she turned up a few times at the pub, so and I'm not proud of this, I made a point of hitting on other girls in front of her, just to give her the hint that I wasn't interested. I heard nothing from her for a few months, and then she turns up at my door telling me she's pregnant and the babies mine. I tell her that I don't believe her but she shows me her pregnancy test results from the doctors, her appointment letter for her ultra sound and the dates matched up. I'm still not convinced and not sure what to do but in the end I just say that I'll be there for her and to let me know what she needs. My plan was to keep my distance and then get a paternity test done as soon as the bub arrives. She asks me to go with her when she has the scan so I do, thinking it would give me the chance to ask the doctors some questions about her due date, I was young and really had no f*cking clue about babies. But going with her, that was my undoing. As soon as I see that little tadpole, with that little heart beating and they tell me I have a daughter on the way, I'm just blown away. All I want to do is protect and look after my child and to do this, I have to look after the woman that's carrying her. I was living in Elwood at the time so I move her in with me, into the spare bedroom and keep her safe and well, I pay all her medical bills so she can go private. Then out of nowhere when she's about six months pregnant, Nina tells me that she loves me and wants a real relationship and for us to be a proper family and if I don’t want the same thing, then she's going to live in Perth with her parents and start a new life. I couldn't bear the thought of her taking my child away so I ask her to marry me, thinking that would buy me some time, until I know for sure if the baby was mine. We marry a week later, I don't lover her, I'm not even sure I like her that much and there is no physical attraction, on my part at least. Which isn't really a problem when she's pregnant or for the first month after Ava was born but after that, it's totally obvious to her, I'm not interested in her in that way. When Ava is three months old, I come home from work to pick up some drawings that I had left behind that morning and catch her in bed with some old boyfriend of hers. I know it was my fault, I wasn’t interested in having sex with her and I couldn't give her what she needed so I can’t blame her for looking elsewhere, I had been doing it the whole time we had been together but I had always been discreet. I still needed sex, just not with her but I always went out of town for a one night stand, I never f*cked anyone in our home, or our bed, with our daughter sleeping in the next room” He rakes his hand through his hair, I’m something I’ve noticed he does when his stressed, his eyes are searching mine, trying to gauge my reaction to what he’s in the process of confessing to me. “So, I kicked shit out of the bloke, threw him out, packed my bags, and told her she could keep the house, I would pay her bills and give her an allowance but I wanted access to my daughter whenever I liked. If she ever played up and denied me access, that would be it, I would go for full custody, and she wouldn't get a penny. I walked out the door, went straight to our family solicitors, and started divorce proceedings. I’m not proud of any of my actions but I did what I thought was right at the time, there was no way I was going to miss out on my daughter growing up, I wanted to be part of her life, if Nina hadn’t made the threats to take her away in the beginning, I might not of over reacted in the way I did, but I was terrified of losing her, and I don’t handle loss well. So we have agreed to share custody of Ava all of her life. Nina and I get on okay, she’s been remarried for about five years now, and surprisingly my daughter has grown into a beautiful, well-adjusted young woman, who spends most weekends and most of her school holidays with me. She usually comes with a mate in tow now as she gets bored on her own but that's fine. We get on great and are close. I love her like nothing on earth. I would happily die for her, you’re a mum Lauren, you know how it is”