Saviour (Saviour #1)(41)
“Lots?”
“I only spent two nights with her but yes, I suppose over such a short period of time, it was lots yes”
We are back at his house, sitting in the car that’s now parked on the drive. I can’t make my legs move, so I stay in my seat.
“Was she good, in bed I mean?”
“Why are you doing this Lauren, why would you want to know these things, why are you punishing yourself like this?”
And there it is, it hits me. That's exactly what I'm doing. I feel guilty about going behind Jason's back and taking my stuff from the house, I feel guilty because I have had sex with another man and I feel guilty because, I do already have strong feelings for this other man. Punishment, that's what this is all about.
“Was she good Gabe? Just answer the f*cking question”
“Yes the sex was good but that's all it was Lauren, sex, two people f*cking, nothing else. I had and I have, no feelings for the woman what so ever, I haven't accepted her calls since the last time I saw her and If I wasn't driving today and had seen my caller ID I wouldn't have taken her call then. I can't change something that I did five weeks ago, something that happened before I even knew you existed”
I move to get out of the car but he leans across to grab the door and stops me
“Don’t get out without saying something, f*cking talk to me Lauren, I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry she called and I'm sorry you heard but there's nothing there, she means nothing”
“I know”
“Good”
“Can we get out now?”
He lets go of my door and we both get out. We put all of my stuff in the guest room. I rummage through it and find a pair of jeans and my favourite hoodie. I slip my feet into a pair of thongs and go out to the family room.
“What was that? Exactly what did me telling you all of that achieve, what did it prove?”
He's seriously pissed and has every right to be. I've just caused an argument with him, to make me feel better about what I have done to my husband. Totally f*cked up. I seriously need help.
“I'm sorry, I just lost it for a bit, it was hard, you know, going back there, then her calling and I just flipped, I'm sorry”
He shakes his head as he walks towards me. He pulls me gently to him and kisses me on the mouth, gently, softly, his tongue flicks in and out and over my lips and a moan escapes from me. Suddenly the world is better. He moves his head back and looks at me.
“Let’s not argue Lauren, especially about things we can't change” He kisses my nose as I nod and tell him I'm sorry, again.
I'm keen to hit the shops and keep busy, Gabriel has been so good to me, I don't want him to know how upset I am about taking all my stuff from my house this morning. It's another step closer to the end of my marriage and I still have to get to grips with this and the speed with which I've landed in this new relationship. It didn't go unnoticed that he had said earlier, ‘Let's go home’ and not ‘let's go back to mine’ I'm feeling a bit panicky about the speed with which my feelings are growing for him and I don't want to delay the work needing to be done on my new place so it’s ready in time for me to move into at the weekend, the longer I stay with Gabe, the faster my feelings are freefalling towards wanting things to work out between us and I really don’t know if that is what I need right now, I’m so confused and being so close to him doesn’t allow me to think clearly.
I think I need to put some space between us. I'm aware of how much I like him and I don't want my feelings to grow stronger, I know deep down, he's way out of my league and despite all that he's said, I still have this nagging doubt that I'm just another notch on his bedpost, despite all of his reassurances. Basically I’m an emotional mess and I need a chance to draw breath.
“Right, I'm no longer naked; shall we go and look at paint and flooring?”
Gabe’s taken a beer from the fridge and has sat on a bar stool at the kitchen bench.
“Sit down for a sec' I wanna talk to you about something” he motions to the stool next to him with his beer. He takes a swig and tilts his head to one side, looking at me. He's holding the bottle under his chin, with his index finger tapping on his lips, he looks serious, and I see his Adams Apple move as he swallows, hard, as I climb up on the stool.
“I’ve been thinking” he says “or wondering, what do you think is going to happen, long term I mean, what do you see, for us?”
Here we go, the moving too quickly speech, lets slow things down, all of my bullshit and freaking out is too much for him. I don't know what to answer so simply say “I have no idea” My heart rate is increasing rapidly and I start to feel sick, he wants to end things, he’s guessed the depth of my feelings, I must be so obvious, whiney, needy, a complete mess basically but c'est la vie and all that, I'm a big girl, I will just pull up my big girl pants and get on with my life.
Yeah right who am I kidding? He is not the type of man one ever gets over, ever.
“Lauren. Laaaauuuuuurrrrrren are you listening to me?” he's waving his beer bottle in front of my face as he speaks
“Do you want me to go?” I ask him. What a mess, what a f*cking mess my life has become.
“No Lauren, I don't want you to go, why would you say that? I love having you here, I don't want you to go now and I don't want you to go at the weekend” He says, he's now got a bemused look on his face and is shaking his head.