Saviour (Saviour #1)(43)
“You feel it don't you, it's not just me; so why are you defending him and fighting me Lauren? I'm at a loss to work you out sometimes darl, I don't know what my role is here, do you have any feelings for me at all or am I just your protector for the next few weeks to save you from Jason? Let me know now and save me from myself please, because right now, right now I feel like I'm drowning. I want you Lauren, like I have never wanted any woman, I want you in every way, I really don't care about all the shit you have going on, I will take that too, as long as I have you. I miss you even when we're not in the same room, I miss your smile, your warmth, your humour, your smell and I don't want you to live anywhere other than with me”
He draws breath but he's not finished yet, his eyes haven’t left mine, he closes them for a few seconds and says very quietly, “you do things to me Lauren, things that no woman has ever done, you do things to me here”
And he points at his head,
“And here” his stomach
“You do amazing things to me down here” he smiles as he says this and points to his crutch and I smile, just a little bit, too.
He takes my glass out of my hand and continues “but most of all, the biggest effect of all, is what you do to me here” he places my hand, palm down, flat, on his beating heart.
“I've never felt things here, like this before, I thought I was passed all of that now, I thought it just wasn't ever going to happen for me, that I was too old for all of these feelings my mates had when we were still at school for their girls. I thought perhaps there was something wrong with me, that I was incapable of love, outside of my family. Everything I've come to believe about that emotion and me, you, you, have turned it right on its head and I don't know what to do. I really don’t, it scares me, I hate not being in control of how I feel, I hate not being in control of how you feel, I want you to feel what I do, I want you to feel for me what I feel for you, I have no f*cking idea if I should be telling you all of this or not because I have no f*cking idea how all of this relationship shit works, I probably sound like such a needy, whiney little bitch right now, f*ck Lauren, I’m f*cked, where you’re concerned, I’m totally f*cked” He shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head.
He's still holding my hand over his heart and it’s almost beating out of his chest. I blink and a tear rolls down my cheek, yes, again. His honesty does that to me, it floors me, he holds nothing back, and it’s one of the things I’m growing to love about him. Like, one of the things I’m growing to like about him, a lot!
Unable to resist the closeness of those lips, I lean forward and kiss him. He holds his mouth against mine and takes in deep breaths, he tastes of beer and bourbon and Gabe, he tastes perfect, absolutely perfect. His hand is in my hair, as I whisper,
“I’m scared”
“Scared of what baby?”
“I'm scared of what I feel for you, I'm scared of how quickly I'm feeling what I feel, what sort of person am I if I can come out of a twenty five year marriage and within five days of leaving my husband, have such strong feelings for another man, a man that I've known for such a short time?”
I'm shaking my head as I speak because I still can't get a grip on it all, I can't believe all that has happened is real.
“You’re over thinking things again Lauren, it is what it is, two people that have met and have an instant attraction, why can't we just go with that, f*ck everyone else and f*ck what they think or say about us, what happened to YOLO and all that? The timing is shit house I know, but better than if we had met and felt like this and you were still with Jason, but you’re not, you've left him, you’re now separated. We are doing nothing wrong”
My head is spinning, a combination of today's events and admissions and day time wine drinking. Don't over think this, don't over think this, is all that’s going around in my head.
“Let’s do it” I say with a shrug.
“Let’s do it? What you'll move in here, stay here with me?”
“Yes, Yes I'll move in here with you”
And all he says is
“Ha, fair dinkum?”
I nod as he smiles, then kisses me, long and deep on the mouth and then kisses away my tears. This crying really has got to stop.
“I won't let you down Lauren, I'm not him. Thank you for giving me a chance, feel free to tell me to shut the f*ck up if I’m going on too much”
I shake my head and laugh, “never, you keep telling me baby, it’s good for my ego”
“Fuck Lauren, don’t be telling me that, I’ll be telling you how perfect you are from the second you wake, till you fall asleep at night”
Now the tears really flow, he stands between my legs while I sit on the stool and holds me, our foreheads pushed together. My tears run and my nose drips.
“My nose is all snotty”
He laughs “Not sure if my feelings for you extend far enough to clean up your snot darl. And I actually can't believe you can admit to that but can't tell me what you want me to do to you in bed” I giggle like a school girl and look up at him but before I can speak my phone rings. He passes it to me, it's Jemma.
“Hey Jem” I answer
“Lauren what have you done? Jason has been here threatening all sorts and shouting blue murder, he says you broke into his house” I can tell from her voice, she’s almost crying.