Resolution (Saviour #2)(15)

Sam's is to tell me she is at Gabe’s with Zac and the kids and Gabe is in bits. Zac’s is to tell me that he has spoken to Alyssa and she has told him that nothing happened between her and Gabe. The text was about a blow job she gave him last time they were together and Gabe had then refused to take her home and f*ck her. She had apparently begged him for sex last night but he had refused and kept telling her that now there was only Lauren.

I have to read this through twice. Would she lie, to protect Gabe? Would she lie for him?

Even if he didn't do anything with her, does it change anything? He was so drunk he could have done anything and not given me a second thought. Although I am beyond happy that nothing happened. I think. Am I? I don’t know what to think any more, I miss him, badly, I’m a mess, I wonder how he’s doing, I wonder if he got his hand fixed up, I hope he didn’t need stitches. This is getting me nowhere.

Cooper leaves a voicemail and a text saying pretty much the same as Zac does but adds, “Please Lauren give him a chance. He is a good person and he truly loves you. I'm really worried about what he'll do if you two can't work this shit out.”

This starts my tears again. I wasn’t going to cry any more tears over this, I decided that just five minutes ago and here I am again, I am seriously getting on my own nerves now and get to wondering, if mother nature is so good at her job, why the f*ck did she give us feelings and emotions, couldn’t she have just made us without them? It’s the one flaw in human beings, we feel, we feel far too much. I go back to the messages on my phone.

There is only one text from Gabe. It says:



Lauren, I am so sorry baby, this is killin me, the thought of what I have put you thru is just f*ckin killin me. Plz can we talk, plz. I luv u beyond words. Never forget that, u r my saviour xxx



Underneath the message is a link. When I click on it, it takes me to a YouTube video of Three Doors Down singing ‘Here Without You’.

My heart aches so badly, it’s like a constant throbbing an ache in my chest and throat; I curl up in a ball and cry myself back to sleep.

By the time I wake on Thursday Jo has already gone to work. I shower and wash my hair. When I look ready to face the world I call Jemma and fill her in on all the details of the past day’s events. Just like everyone else, she tells me I need to give him a chance. Why do I feel like the bad person here? I did nothing wrong. Okay, technically, neither did he, but he could have. This is all doing my head in. I ask Jemma to go over to Gabe’s to pick up my boots and a blouse or top of some sort so that I have something to wear tomorrow night.

“Loz really, can't you go yourself? It's a bit childish sending me.”

“But I don't have a car and I'm just not ready to see him yet Jem. If I see him, I will cave, I'm missing him so much I can barely breathe, I just can't face him, please Jem.”

I don't mean to sound whiney but I know that I do.

“Alright, alright, I'll go, I'll bring them round later when Max gets home.”

“Thanks babe, bring wine too, lots of wine.”

I feel better after I talk to Jem. And oddly I also feel jealous, Jemma is going to see his beautiful face sometime soon, she will look into the eyes that I am missing so much. I actually feel my jaw clench at that thought, she's my best friend and I love her dearly, but I could actually punch her right now! This is what he does to me. He f*cks with my head so badly. I love him yes, but he did what he did and it's so early on into our relationship that I just don't know if I will be able to fully trust him. I don't think I ever have really, there are just too many women from his past still hanging around and then there are all of my own self esteem issues, my insecurities. We are doomed, doomed I say. I actually laugh at my melodramatic self. Oh f*ck you Gabriel Fucking Wilde. What have you done to me???

I walk down to the shops in the village and buy what I need to make a seafood risotto and message Jemma and Lulu and tell them both to come over to Jo's for dinner tonight. I head back feeling a little better about things, but I have no idea why. Nothing has been resolved and I am as torn as I was last night before I found out nothing went on between Gabe and the blonde whorebag. Apparently.

I know exactly the moment Jem leaves Gabe’s because he calls me. Why is he bothering, he knows I won't answer. So then the text comes.



That f*ckin hurt. Really? U couldn't come n pick up ur own stuff? U really don't want 2 c me do u??? Y do u need going out clothes? Where r u goin? I luv u Lauren, plz plz come home baby, my heart, my bones, everything I am hurts without u here.



There's another link. This time it's: ‘Lifehouse Whatever It Takes’ And it’s a video with the lyrics. I sit on the floor and watch it and listen to the words. I can barely swallow; the lump in my throat is now the size of the whole of Australia, what is that? What causes that lump I wonder?

I focus on making dinner and a few minutes later another text arrives from him.



Sry didnt mean 2 sound like a stalker. It's nothing 2 do wiv me where u go. I just wanna c u in those boots. The boots and nothing else. I luv u. And now I have a massive hard on thinking about u in those boots, plz come home Lauren I luv u and ur the only person who can cure my boner

There are two links attached to this one. The first is The Police ‘I'll be watching you’. The second link is ‘Horny’ by Mousse T.