Resolution (Saviour #2)(13)
“I'm so ashamed Lauren. I f*cked up big time. I am so sorry, I love you and I want to make this right, what can I do, how do I make this better?”
“Tell me the truth Gabe, did you f*ck her?”
He looks down at the floor and his hand comes up to his hair and he grips it. What’s left of my heart stops in my chest. The cold from the ice on my hand travels through my body, through my veins. I have to swallow down the cry of pain that wants to escape from my mouth and I think my legs are going to give way. He's going to say yes.
He brings his eyes back up to meet mine and says on a sob, “I don't know, I was so drunk I can't remember.”
He sobs and tears roll down his cheeks, my hand goes to my mouth as I let out the sound that I'm now not even sure is coming from me. He drops down onto his knees and grabs hold of my hips, pushing his face against the bottom of my tummy.
“I'm so sorry Lauren. I don't want to lie to you, please, I'm so sorry.”
I have to twist away from him as I lean over the sink and throw up. He stands and rubs my back and again I want him. I want his arms around me, I want all of this to go away, but for now, I just need him to go away.
I splash my face with water and rinse my mouth, I'm shaking badly, “Please go Gabe, leave now.”
“Lauren, no, please listen to me, no lies, no secrets. I don’t want to ever lie to you, I don't know what happened, maybe nothing, I don't know. I want us to always be honest with each other, that's why I'm telling you. I don't know what happened. I don't remember anything, I am so sorry and ashamed, don't do this, please.”
“Go... Just go Gabe.”
“No Lauren, no, don't f*cking do this, please.”
I'm gripping the edge of the sink. Afraid to move too far away from it in case I vomit again and because my legs feel like jelly and it's helping to hold me up, but mostly because if I keep hold of the sink, I can't reach out to him. And that's all that I really want to do, he looks so sad, so desperate, I just want to make it better for him, tell him it's okay, I forgive him, I still love him. I want to wrap my arms and legs around him and breathe him in. I want to feel that stubble on my cheek, up the inside of my thigh, all the way to the tops of my legs, but I can’t do that, why would I? I’ve left a twenty five year marriage behind because of my husband’s bad behaviour, why on earth would I walk straight into a relationship with someone else that didn’t treat me right? Leaving Jay was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life and I would be f*cked if I had gone through all of that to end up with someone that cheated on me at the first sign of trouble, I deserve better. But I want him, ashamed as I am to admit it, I’m finding it harder to stay away from Gabe, after knowing him for just a few short weeks, than I have my husband, who I have known over half my life. I close my eyes and blank out these thoughts and feelings. As I open them, I'm aware of him pacing back and forth across the tiles.
“You said no Lauren, you rejected me, I didn't know how that felt. I've never.... No one, no woman has ever said no to me before, I panicked, and I thought I was going to lose you. I don't handle losing people well. I jumped into the car and drove up to Arthur's Seat and just looked out across the bay, I was trying to think of a way to show you, to prove to you, that you are my forever. I don't want you to ever doubt how much you mean to me, how much I love and need you. I can't get my head around all of this, it's so f*cking weird to me and yet it feels absolutely right, so perfect, when we’re together, it all makes sense, I don’t know how to explain it. This isn't bullshit Lauren. I can't put into words how I feel about you, whatever I say, however many times I try to tell you, you never seem to believe me, I was trying to think of a way to get through to you, to make you realise. So that's when I thought of it, when I knew what I could do! I have a mate; he works out towards the city. So I went to see him and he told me to just draw how I felt. Put my feelings down on paper but as an Image. Not into words but as a picture – so I did.”
He pulls his T-shirt over his head and turns his back to me, revealing the most beautiful tattoo I have possibly ever seen. I'm lost for words as I study the image. It's still red and raised in parts, there is dried blood in some areas. Which would explain the blood on his T shirt yesterday. All of this reels through my mind as I study the image. It’s of the back of a naked woman; with long curly red hair hanging down past her shoulders she is being held in the arms of a man, you can only see his arms around her, the tops of his shoulders and his hair. His face is buried in her shoulder. His long untidy hair falling forwards. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be me and him, but the part I can't take my arms from are the wings. Coming from behind the man’s shoulders are the most beautifully drawn inked realistic looking wings I have ever seen. Each feather is so finely detailed. It's breath taking. Across the top of his shoulders, above the image is some Arabic looking writing. I want to ask what it means, but I don't want to speak to him. The tattoo is truly magnificent, but does it make any difference? Does it change anything? I love him, he loves me, but I will never be treated badly by a man, or anyone else for that matter, again, so no, and nothing’s changed. Until I know for sure what went on with him and Alyssa, nothing has changed at all, I can’t allow it too, I didn’t leave one bad relationship to jump straight into another, I’m no longer prepared to put up and shut up and I still want him to leave.