Raging Heart On (Lucas Brothers #2)(71)

“I tried to confess! I wanted to! But I was afraid! I didn’t want to lie. I was trying to protect you!”

“Protect me? Are you f*cking kidding me right now?”

“But I was! You didn’t want a baby. You were doing it for me. You’ve told me over and over how you would never have a kid. I couldn’t let you—”

“Because I didn’t want a woman to control me! Because I couldn’t trust anyone. But I trusted you, Kayla. I believed in you and you lied!”

“To protect you!” she cries out, and if I wasn’t so angry, the tears running down her face would hurt me. I can’t pretend they don’t bother me now. Suddenly, it feels like the air in the room is gone. I can’t stay here. I can’t look at her. It hurts too f*cking much.

“I can’t do this right now,” I growl, leaving the kitchen. I hear her calling for me, but I ignore it. I make it to the porch before I feel her hand on my arm. I jerk it away, turning around quickly. I don’t want her touching me. Not right now, and maybe never again. She stumbles back and I start to reach out and grab her. I end up letting my fingers bite into the palm of my hand as it’s Black that catches her before she can fall.

“White, you have to listen to me. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I wanted to make you happy!”

“How? By lying to me?” I growl.

“What’s going on here?” I turn around to see Mom is playing with her damn cow. The thing thinks he’s a dog. A very large dog. The cow is lying down on the ground. Mom’s sitting beside it and rubbing its stomach, of all things. How she can be like this with the cow and still eat a hamburger is a question I’m not about to answer. I shake my head and focus back on the woman who has just destroyed me. That might sound melodramatic, but it’s not. Having Kayla lie to me was one thing I never saw coming. I can’t even wrap my head around it.

“I didn’t mean to lie to you, White. I swear, I didn’t. I was trying to not use you.”

“Use me? From where I’m standing, that’s all you did. If all you wanted was my cock, Honey, you just had to ask. I’ve f*cked a lot of women who didn’t deserve my time. I would have just added you to the list.” The hateful words are out before I can stop them. I watch as Kayla visually blanches, her body jerking back as if I struck her with my fist. The air around us grows thick and I instantly want to take the words back. Whatever is going on here, Kayla didn’t deserve that… I don’t think. The truth is, my head is all messed up right now… and my heart. Fuck. It hurts. I’ve never been this deep with a woman before. I gave Kayla everything and I’m starting to think I’m not going to survive this.

“White Hall Lucas, you shut that damn talk right now before my cow-shit-covered boot shuts your mouth for you. What the hell is going on here?” Mom yells, and I feel her coming up beside me on the porch. I don’t look at her. I’m too busy looking at a broken Kayla, because whatever else is going on in my head right now, I’m sane enough to register that. Kayla looks… broken. Something is not right. If she were using me, she wouldn’t be like this, right? Or hell, is this just her playing me again to try and get sympathy? The Kayla I thought I knew is all mixed up with the Kayla who lied to me. Which one is the real her?

“I didn’t want to saddle you to… I didn’t want to trap you with…”

“Spit it out, Kayla,” I growl, frustrated and confused.

“I couldn’t do that to you, White! Don’t you understand?”

Understand? Fuck, I don’t understand any of this. She looks so lost, hurt, and innocent looking at me. Is this the real Kayla? What am I missing here?

“Do what? For f*ck’s sake, Kayla, I’ve about had it. Make some goddamn sense or just shut the hell up.”

“I couldn’t trap you into staying with me! Can’t you see that? I knew you didn’t want a child. I didn’t want to trap you and be that weight around your neck you couldn’t ever get rid of.”

“Woman, what the f*ck are you talking about? I told you I wanted a baby. Jesus! I was f*cking you every minute I could to put my baby in you. It’s what I wanted. And you knew that, Kayla. You can’t pretend you didn’t. I sure as hell told you every chance I got.”

“But you didn’t mean it. Not really, and I couldn’t do it, White. I wanted it so bad but I just couldn’t do it,” she cries, and my anger must be dying down because now I’m hurting, seeing her so torn. I want to comfort her, but I need answers. Whatever this is, whatever is going on, I have to know everything first.

“Do what? What are you talking about?”

“I couldn’t share a child with you and be on the outside of your life while you built a family with someone else.”

“Someone else? What are you talking about? Fucking hell, you aren’t making a bit of sense, Kayla.”

“Eventually you would have left. You would have realized that you didn’t want to be with me and found someone better. I didn’t think I could live if I had to see you with our child every day, being in love with someone else. It’s just too much to expect from me.”

Holy shit. Is she serious? Where the hell is this coming from? I knew her self-confidence was gone, but could she be this blind, this twisted inside? How did I not see this? I hear Mom talking, and Black. I can’t concentrate on what they’re saying. The cow is mooing in the background. I suppose it’s barking in its way because I can hear a car coming up the driveway. It’s all filtered out and relegated into the background as I stare at the woman I love more than life. I’d suspected she had issues, but I don’t think I realized how deep they went. I wasn’t looking for scars and it’s clear to me now that she definitely has them… on the inside.