Perfect for You(54)

I double over, grabbing the edge of my dresser, and cry myself to sleep in a ball on the floor. I wake up four hours later to Mom shaking me lightly.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Her eyes are wide, and she looks scared. Scared for me.

This is so much worse than when Derrick cheated on me. My God, I never thought I’d get over that. How stupid could I be? I didn’t even love Derrick. I love Ash. I lost the first guy I ever loved, and the pain is so intense I can barely breathe.

“Mom—” I can’t get any more out. I break down and cry while she cradles me in her arms. Dad comes in, but Mom shakes her head at him. He mouths “I love you” to me and walks out, letting Mom handle this.

“This is about Ash, right?” She knows me well. Even though she met Noah and she knows he and I dated for a little while, she can tell I never let go of Ash. “I know love when I see it, honey, and that boy loved you. I doubt he’s over you this soon.”

“He’s with her again. Liz. I tried to tell him how I feel, and he kissed her.”

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” She rocks me until I can’t cry anymore. My eyes are dry and so puffy I can barely see. She brings me to the bathroom and runs the water in the shower. She brushes my hair aside and reaches for my necklace.

“No!” I step back, holding the necklace in my palm so she can’t touch it. Her eyes widen in alarm. “It’s all I have left of him.”

“Okay.” She holds her hands up. “Keep it on.” She steps out of the bathroom, giving me some privacy.

I get undressed and step into the shower, turning the water to the hottest setting. I want to be numb. I don’t want to feel anything but the scorching hot water. I let it run over me for as long as I can stand it. It burns and I’m turning red, but feeling anything other than the pain of losing Ash is an improvement.

Mom knocks on the door. “Are you okay in there?”

That’s my cue to get out. “I’m fine.” No, I’m not. I’m so far from fine. It’s going to take a lot more than a scalding hot shower to make me okay.

***

The next week is the longest and most torturous one of my life. I refuse to see anyone until school on Monday. Gray gives me time to myself because she knows I need it, and she shows up on my doorstep Monday morning with coffee and a hug. She shields me from Ash and Liz and talks to me about States. Our final match is Saturday. One week after my heart was broken again.

By Thursday I’m not a walking zombie anymore. I’m not going to blow States over this. I’ll never forgive myself. I learned from the whole Derrick situation. No one is worth losing myself over, and tennis is part of who I am. I owe it to myself to get my head on straight for the match. Coach Moyers even comments at practice that I’m looking a lot better. There’s really nothing worse than when your coach pities you, but I do appreciate that he cares.

Grayson and I stay late at practice on Friday and Noah stops by. The second I see him approaching the courts, I drop my racket. Not now. I can’t deal with this right now. He walks over with his hands shoved in his pockets. On anyone else, that gesture would look shy or unsure, but on Noah it exudes confidence.

“Hey.” His voice is normal, not pained or awkward.

“Hey.” My voice is a completely different story.

“I just wanted to say good luck tomorrow.”

Oh, God. He’s not coming, is he? That would be too weird. Having him there would distract me. I’d be wondering why he came, if he was trying to get back together with me.

“Thanks.” I look away, hoping he’ll get the picture and leave. I wish we could be friends. We have a lot in common, but being friends with a guy is tough. Even tougher when there’s a mutual attraction. Unfortunately, the attraction is where it ends. I don’t love him, and I don’t think I ever will.

“Well, I have to go, so knock ’em dead tomorrow. I want to see a plaque with your picture and name on it in the trophy case. Got it?” He smiles, a small smile. This isn’t as easy for him as he’d like to make it seem.

“Got it.”

He turns to go, but stops. “Oh, and remember what I told you in that match against the girl with the awful backhand?”

“Yeah. Avoid what’s messing me up.”

“I heard.” He doesn’t have to say anything else. He knows about the football game. He wasn’t there that day, but he heard about me throwing myself at Ash. And yet he’s still here, giving me advice, helping me. Even Grayson looks taken aback. I’m sure she had no idea Noah has this side to him. “Tomorrow’s your day. So, avoid what’s messing you up.” That includes him, and I think he knows it. He walks away without another word.

Grayson gawks after Noah. “Okay, I know you don’t need to hear this right now, but I was wrong about him. He’s hot and sweet.”

I can’t help laughing. Something about seeing my best friend drooling over the guy she reamed me out for dating is just plain funny.

“Oh, thank God you’re laughing. I thought I was going to get a racket to my head.”

“Nah. I need you for tomorrow’s match. I don’t want to just win individually. I want the team to win, too.”

She puts her arm around me. “Then let’s have a sleepover.”

“What? How do those two things go together?”