On the Rocks(18)

“Traditional German garb,” Bobby informed me. “Think Heidi. Or the girl on the Swiss Miss box.”

Since we’d just met, I gave Wolf a pass on being sure that I would enjoy dressing up like one of the von Trapps or seeing a grown man of any kind wearing lederhosen. I figured if nothing else he had just informed me that my first trip to Europe would not be for Oktoberfest. I’d stick to countries where people wore normal clothes that actually fit and didn’t parade around half-naked in public.

Like the south of France or something.

“How did you and Bobby meet?” I asked Wolf.

“I’m a caddy at the Newport Country Club,” he answered. “Last summer Bobby was playing a round, and he kept losing his balls. I helped him find them, and I carried his bag. It was such a fun day for me. Most of the guys who play aren’t that nice to the caddies, but Bobby was super-cool! We’ve been friends ever since.”

“Wolf is a rare breed of Newport guy. He doesn’t own a pair of topsiders, and he knows how to read the greens on the ninth hole like a pro. He’s the man,” Bobby said.

“Yes. I’m the man!” Wolf echoed, somehow managing to sound charming and not pompous in the slightest.

“Okay then, if I decide to take up golf this summer, you’ll be my first call,” I said, knowing full well that I would not take up golf this summer, or any other summer for that matter.

“Okeydokey!” Wolf answered.

The four of us stood in an awkward circle trying to make small talk and pretending that we had a lot in common when in reality the only link we had to each other was through Grace, and she was spending most of her time texting on her cell phone while pretending to listen to the conversation. I had a feeling that the summer was going to end up like this: me with a bunch of strange guys and Grace glued to her phone so she could talk to her boyfriend. I’d just have to remember it was one of the reasons why I had agreed to get a job. Without one, I’d have way too much free time on my hands to think about the course of my life, and worse, I’d be idly making electronic small talk with Ben. I could think of no sane reason why I would want to do that.

When I finished my beer, I headed back to the bar for a refill and some quiet, which I quickly realized was impossible in a beach bar in Newport on Memorial Day weekend. As I stood and waited for the bartender to peel his eyes away from the fake blondes in bikinis with fake boobs, fake tans, fake nails, and fake personalities, I suddenly found myself confused. When did the East Coast turn into southern California? I was terrified that if I turned around I’d bump into one of thirty cameramen filming a completely unscripted version of The Real Housewives of Rhode Island. Then I’d have to figure out how to turn a bottle opener into a weapon I could use to put myself out of my misery once and for all just in case the Mayans were wrong and the world wasn’t about to end on its own.

Bobby sidled up next to me as I waited for my change. I had a distinct feeling that Bobby was one of those guys who liked to push girls’ buttons for no reason other than he liked to watch them squirm. He was probably the kid who poured salt on slugs to watch them die too. Hanging around a guy like that is never a good idea.

“Sorry, do you mind if I at least take your space at the bar since you didn’t bother to ask if I needed a drink before you ran over here?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude.”

“You didn’t? In that case, I hate to see how rude you can be when you’re actually trying,” he said with a smile. I stared at him, not entirely sure how to respond. “Relax, I’m just kidding.”

I sighed. I had gotten so used to having my guard up I had no idea how to take it down. “The truth is, these days, I could teach a course. I’m not entirely proud of that.”

“We’ve all been there. I think those of us who are in our thirties and still dating are all a little worse for wear, so don’t be too hard on yourself. That said, don’t be too hard on me either,” he joked.

“Fair enough. So you and Grace went to law school together?”

“Yup. Good ole NYU. We had a great time living in New York. I stayed there after graduation, got a job, lived downtown, and did the whole hipster thing for a while. Grace told me then that I should get out of the city before it ate me alive, but I was having way too much fun.”

“Why’d you leave?”

“My law firm downsized, and I found myself unemployed. Little-known fact: New York is a very expensive place to live if you don’t have an income.”

I laughed, just a little. “Good to know.”

“Anyway, that was back in January, and I realized that if I had to start looking for a new job, it was time to leave New York. I grew up in Providence and decided to move back to New England. I’ve been coming to Newport since I was a kid. My parents have owned their house here forever, so it worked out okay for me. I don’t have a job, but I also don’t have to pay rent, and I get to relax here for the summer.”

“So you’re living with your parents?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Except I think you just did.”

“I said I’m living in my parents’ house. They retired and moved to Florida. They kept the cottage here for when they come back, but they spend most of their time playing golf and eating oranges down south.”