On the Rocks(14)

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“It’s nothing new. That’s the worst part. We keep having the same arguments over and over about when he’s finally going to walk away from his sham of a marriage. When things are great, they’re just so great, but only having him part-time is killing me. Anyway, I’m sorry. I know we’ve talked this to death. I don’t know how you even stand to listen to it anymore.”

“That’s what friends do. Listen to their friends talk about the same guys ad nauseam. You do it for me all the time. I know this is hard, but you signed up for this.”

“I know I did. And for what? What kind of future do we have? We see each other once a week outside of work, and I now carry a portable hair dryer and a toothbrush in my purse. Thank God hobo bags are in style since that’s basically what I am.”

“I do love a good hobo. You’re being too hard on yourself. This isn’t a normal relationship, it hasn’t been from the beginning. You can’t expect it to function normally. Stuff like this comes with the territory.”

“I thought leaving on the weekends, and being busy, and meeting new people would force him to realize how close he is to losing me, you know?” she said.

“He’s not worried about losing you. You’re not going anywhere, not that that’s your fault. Look at it realistically. You work with him.”

“True, but I’m going to Newport. That’s somewhere.”

“Grace, do you really think he will leave his family? How do you see this all ending?”

“I think we’re meant to be together. I know if I say that to anyone else, they’ll think I’m delusional, but I do.”

“Then I hope that it happens. But until then, I think you need to work on your life outside of him. It’s something I didn’t do while I was with Ben, and look how badly I’m paying for it. You can’t be defined by a guy because, if he leaves, you will have nothing except your couch and cookie dough ice cream, and I promise you, you don’t want that. Learn from my mistakes.”

“I know. Why does it all have to be so complicated?”

“He’s married, babe. It’s complicated by definition. I guess all relationships are.”

“And everyone is judging me. Everyone but you, and even you judge me a little.”

“No, I don’t!” I replied, trying to defend myself. “I just hate seeing you upset all the time. But I don’t judge. I’m in no position to criticize anyone’s relationship.”

“Speaking of, are you still trading emails with Ben?”

“Occasionally,” I admitted.

“I don’t know why you even acknowledge he exists. You’re so smart when it comes to other people’s relationships.”

“I’m working on it. Actually, can you do me a favor?”

“Try me.”

“I don’t want your friend to know what happened with Ben. Did you tell him already?”

“No. I just told him that you were fun and that you recently broke up with someone, so you were single. Why?”

“I just want to escape it, you know? And I don’t want him to know me as the girl who had her engagement canceled online.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not ashamed, but I am embarrassed, and then I have to explain what happened and relive the whole thing over and over and over again. It’s bad enough I was the talk of the town at home. If I’m going to meet some new people, I’d like to leave that part of me in the past. I want a fresh start. Okay?”

“That makes sense. Okay, I won’t say anything about the engagement. We’ll keep that our dirty little secret.” She reached over and locked her pinky finger around mine.

“Of course, the downside of that is that then I just look like I’m fat for no reason.”

“You’re not fat,” she answered reflexively.

“I gained twenty pounds and I’m short, Grace. I know love is blind, but you don’t love me enough to not have noticed. It’s okay. I’m working on that too.”

“So you gained a few pounds. Who hasn’t?”

“Seeking comfort in Betty Crocker and Sara Lee seemed like a good idea at the time. Then again, so did marrying Ben. I apparently have horrible decision-making skills.”

“Well, you keep good company.”

I smiled as I stared ahead at the seemingly endless traffic. Leaving the city at 3:30 P.M. on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend had also seemed like a good idea at the time, but since we were still sitting in traffic almost three hours later, we were starting to rethink our plan. The weather reports said that it was going to be seventy-five degrees and sunny this weekend, perfect beach weather, so it was unfortunate that we were not the only people who apparently read accuweather.com. We had packed up our summer clothes and all other warm weather essentials—our bikinis, beach towels, sunblock, and enough Coronas to get the entirety of Mexico hammered—and headed out.

I looked out the window as we drove, my mind flitting back and forth between the dream life that I wanted and the real one I was currently living. I thought about the storied mansions on the Newport cliffs and how at one point people actually kept them solely as summer homes. I’m sure that the old adage that money can’t buy you happiness is true, but as someone whose checking account was pathetically low, it was hard for me to believe that it hurt anything. I mean, maybe money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you plenty of other things to distract you from your misery. Which is more than I could say for myself. All I’d had these last few months was Grace and sugar in all its many wondrous forms.