On the Rocks(23)

“It’s a job, basically, yeah,” I said, becoming more and more intrigued by this idea.

“I really need one of those,” Bobby said.

“A relationship?” I asked.

“No. A job. Law is also exhausting, soul-sucking work. You just made me remember that I’m unemployed.”

“I’m liking where you’re going with this, Wolf,” Grace said. “How would Abby go about dating like it’s a job? I’m not entirely sure I get it.”

“You know how some days you wake up and you really don’t want to go to work?” he asked.

“That’s every day,” Grace answered.

“Right. But you still make yourself go, yes?”

“Yeah,” I said hesitantly.

“Well, sometimes you have to go on dates you don’t want to go on, but you still have to go. Pretend you don’t have a choice, and you don’t have the option to call in sick.”

Bobby stood and addressed us with authority. He really did need to get a job, because he was about to turn our living room into a courtroom. “You need to make yourself available, ask people to set you up, talk to the guys at the bar who offer to buy you drinks, and maybe even give them your phone number.”

“I think I could do that,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure I believed myself.

“That’s the complete opposite of what you did yesterday. You know that, right?” he asked.

“Yes. And I recognize that that was stupid.”

“Wow, what a difference a day makes.”

“So while you’re out here this summer, make it your goal to go on at least two dates a week, minimum,” Bobby suggested as he continued to pace around the living room.

“You totally need to do this,” Grace agreed.

“That’s great practice, plus no doubt there will be some major catastrophes in there and that will give us something to laugh about. Just make sure you don’t end up on the Walk of Shame website. While I’d personally love it, I don’t think you’d ever recover.”

“What Walk of Shame site?” I asked, shocked that there was now a website dedicated to capturing embarrassing situations on film and broadcasting them on the Web for all the world to see. Once again I found myself dumbfounded at how technology had changed the way we all interacted. It used to be that people had to actually know you in order to humiliate you. Man, I missed the nineties.

“There’s some guy who drives around the island in the morning and takes pictures of people walking home in their clothes from the night before. It’s amazing. I’ve busted my friends on that thing more times than I can count,” Bobby said.

“That’s disgusting,” Grace said. “I’d never let that happen to me. I’d kill the guy first.”

“You’d have to find out who he is. No one knows who does it, but I have to say, whoever he is, the guy’s got talent.”

“Is no one listening to me anymore?” Wolf asked, hurt that he had lost our attention to an anonymous blogger.

“No, I’m listening to you. You’re saying she should have a dating project!” Grace squealed as she sat up on her knees. “I like this. I like this a lot.”

“I do too,” Bobby said.

“I think this is just a little bit ridiculous,” I replied, even though I knew that I was outnumbered and that no one cared what I thought.

“It’s kind of a ridiculous idea, but that doesn’t mean that it won’t work or that it won’t be good for you,” Grace said.

“I have a hard time accepting the fact that nothing seems to happen organically anymore, you know?” I said, pulling my hair into a messy bun on the top of my head. “Is this what a girl needs to do now to meet people?”

“Look, Abby,” Grace said, “I’m your best friend, and I love you, but you have to face the facts. You’re a smart girl and a great friend, but for whatever reason you have terrible—and I mean terrible—taste in guys. Your instincts are miswired for some reason, because there is no other explanation on earth to account for the fact that you won’t let go of this loser.”

“True, but I’m not the first girl on earth who’s had a hard time letting go of someone who deep down I know is toxic. I mean, you and Johnny aren’t exactly the model for highly functioning relationships.”

“Hey, I thought this wasn’t about me.”

“The rules have changed.”

“Look, I never liked Ben, and you know it. He was a jerk from day one, you just didn’t want to admit it. And let’s not forget the gem you dated in high school.”

She may have had a point. As bad as Ben was, he was nowhere near as big a loser as my high school boyfriend. I was pretty sure he might actually still be in high school unless he had found someone else’s papers to copy.

“I was sixteen! Every guy is an idiot at that age.”

“Most of us are still idiots in our thirties, to be fair,” Bobby added.

“I don’t think I’m an idiot. Maybe only sometimes,” Wolf said, looking hurt that he was lumped into the category of all men when it was very clear that he was a different breed of male.

“All I’m saying is that what you’ve been doing isn’t working. So let’s do the opposite of what you would normally do and see what happens! What’s the worst possible outcome? You go on ten bad dates, summer ends, you go back to the city, and you’ve had some practice.”