On the Rocks(24)

“No. The worst possible outcome is that I end up with a stalker or with mouth herpes or something. This plan comes with its fair share of risks.”

“It’s time you took some risks,” Grace scolded.

“I know. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“I’d totally leave the word ‘desperate’ out of this,” Bobby suggested. “It’s just not a good word for a guy to hear from a girl’s mouth.”

“I think the fact that this entire idea makes you uncomfortable is good. You need to get out of your comfort zone,” Grace said.

“My comfort zone is my couch. So I’ve already done that.”

“I think there was a Seinfeld episode on something like this once,” Bobby said. “Opposite George.”

“Seinfeld was a smart man, see?” Grace added.

“I don’t remember if it worked,” Bobby said as he stared at the ceiling as if trying to remember how the episode ended.

“Who’s Seinfeld?” Wolf asked.

We ignored him. It was simply too ridiculous to address.

“I think you should do it,” Bobby said. “I’ll be your consigliere. I’ll be here to offer advice and help you along the way.”

“That’s supposed to be a selling point?” I asked, not entirely sure how Bobby had gone from not knowing my name to wanting to serve as my mentor in the span of twenty-four hours.

“Yes. Don’t be so defensive and admit that you could use some guidance in the guy department.”

“Can Wolf be my guidance counselor?” I asked.

“Okay!” Wolf shouted. “I’d like that! What’s a guidance counselor?”

“You can have both of us,” Bobby answered. “Come on, I’ll help you lose some of your inhibitions, which is exactly what you need. No offense, but you’re wound tighter than a mattress spring.”

“Just as long as it’s not in your bed,” Grace joked.

I licked salt from the potato chips off my index fingers and thought about their points. They were right. In fact, Wolf’s suggestion very well may have been the single best piece of dating advice I had ever heard, and that’s saying something. I watch a lot of Dr. Phil.

“Okay, maybe you guys are right. I can do this. I’m smart, I’m cute, how hard could it be for me to get a few dates at the beach?”

“Don’t get cocky,” Bobby said. “Guys don’t like girls with attitudes.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Guys like girls with confidence,” I countered.

“Where’d you read that?” Bobby asked curiously.

“Cosmo,” I admitted, realizing how stupid that sounded.

“Stop reading Cosmo. They don’t know what they’re talking about either.”

“Who made you the authority on dating? You’re single too!” For some reason, I felt the need to point that out.

“This is not how you get me to be your wingman.”

“I didn’t ask you to be my wingman.” I felt the need to point that out too.

“Can you two please just get a room or something,” Grace said as she stood.

“Okay, Abby, you put your big girl panties on and do this all by yourself. If you change your mind, you know where to find me,” Bobby said, finally returning to the floor with the rest of us. Apparently, he was done holding dating court.

“Yeah, probably stealing beer from our fridge,” Grace joked.

“I overheard some girls in town talking about a ton of people going to 41 North tonight,” Bobby said, clearly forgetting that he had just told me to fly solo. I guess he was my wingman, no matter what either of us said. “Let’s start there. Your job is to talk to five different guys and let at least two of them buy you a drink.”

“I don’t know what 41 North is,” I said, though that wasn’t strange since I had only been in Newport for a day.

“It’s one of those places called a bar,” Bobby said sarcastically. “See, that’s where guys and girls our age go to meet each other. Do you need a dictionary before we release you on the social circuit? Oh wait, that would entail me helping you. Never mind. I can’t wait to see you on the dance floor. You do know the funky chicken is passé, right?”

I responded by sticking my tongue out at him. I guess I did employ the same communication skills as my students.

“Then it’s settled,” Grace said. “I’ll pick out your outfit. You blow-dry your hair and put on makeup and do all the things that girls do when they’re happy and single and ready to meet someone normal. It will be fun, and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

“Okay, I’m game. And Grace, you’ll be happy to know that I also decided I’m going to get a job. When I was jogging through town this morning, I saw a HELP WANTED sign in one of the store windows. I’m going to go up there later and see what the deal is.”

“Look at you!” Grace said as she applauded me. “A plan to start dating and a plan to get a job. You’ve done more to help yourself in the last hour than you have in the last six months!”

“I told you I was ready to make some changes. The extra cash won’t hurt either.”