Never Standing Still (The Never Duet #1)(71)

“Marcus was my baby brother,” I started, the tears immediately welling in my eyes, the words rough and strained. Megan’s hand found my foot, gently squeezing it, while Ella’s hand continued to stroke my arm. “He was born when I was thirteen and he was perfect. He was my most prized possession,” I said, wiping away a tear. “When I was twenty and away at college, my mother, stepfather, and Marcus were in a car accident and Marcus was the only survivor.”

I told Megan and Ella all about Marcus’ struggles, his medical issues, but I also told them about his light and his spirit. Hours passed as I told them stories about him, funny things he did, adventures we’d had. I explained to them about how Nancy took care of him while I was away, which was why I was always quick to leave after a job. Then I told them that while I was away he was in another accident, but that he didn’t live through it.

They didn’t ask for specifics, which I appreciated, and I figured someone else had filled them in enough they weren’t particularly curious. I wiped the tears that had fallen and blew my nose, using a box of tissues that I assumed had been put in my room during my three-day coma.

“So, how does Riot play into all of this?” Ella tilted her head to the side, obviously curious about him and our relationship.

I took in a deep breath and then exhaled loudly, trying to find a way to put words to what was between Riot and me.

“Riot was, well, a mistake,” I said with a rush of breath. “I let my guard down with him, let him into my life, let him into Marcus’ life, and then it all just collapsed around me.”

“Why do you think it was a mistake?” Megan asked.

“It’s hard to make the dots connect in my brain, let alone explain them to someone who wouldn’t understand,” I said, trying not to come off as angry, but I could feel something brewing right in the hole where my heart had been three days ago.

“Can you try?” Ella asked, softly. “He’s out there Kalli,” she said, motioning to the door of my bedroom. “He hasn’t left this house in three days and he’s worried sick about you.”

“He just needs to go. I’ll never be good for him. I’ll never get past this. I just can’t.”

“Tell us why, or at least try, Kal.” Megan’s voice matched Ella’s, soft but insistent.

“Every single person I’ve ever loved, or who has ever loved me, has gone away. So, even if I let him stay, eventually it would end and I’d be alone anyway. Plus,” I said, the tears coming more rapidly. “If I hadn’t gone to see him, if I’d come home like I planned, Marcus would still be alive.”

“Sweetie, that’s just not true. You can’t let that weight sit on your shoulders,” Ella said, a new level of concern in her voice.

“It is true. He ran from Nancy, he was upset that I wasn’t home like I said I would be, that’s why he was being unreasonable. If I’d come home we would have probably stayed in and played Monopoly, or watched a movie, like we always did. But odds are he wouldn’t have been on his bike or gotten hit by that truck.”

“It’s not your fault,” Megan said. “Bad things happen, you can’t take responsibility, honey.”

“Bad things happen to me. My life has been one bad thing after another, so,” I said, wiping my nose again, “I’m not putting myself in a position of losing again.”

Ella’s lips were in a straight line and I could tell she had more to say to me about it, but was thinking better of it. We sat in silence for a few minutes, and every once in a while I could hear Riot’s deep voice from the living room and Nancy’s sweet one responding to him. My eyes closed and somewhere deep inside me I tore out the last part of Riot that had taken hold of me.

“I can’t hear his voice anymore, Ella. Please tell him he needs to go.”

“I don’t think it’s going to be that easy, Kal. He’s pretty convinced you’ll want to see him, that you’ll let him back in.”

“I won’t,” I said with strength I didn’t have. “I can’t,” I said in a whisper.

I closed my eyes and turned away from her, not wanting to hear or say anymore words. Eventually, I felt both her and Megan’s weight lift from the bed, and heard the door open and then latch shut again. A few quiet moments passed, but then the yelling started. Riot’s loud and gravelly voice shot down the hallway.

“She can’t just push me away!” he screamed. I wasn’t sure if he was yelling just because he was angry, or if he was trying to make sure I heard him. It didn’t matter. The sound of his voice filling my room did nothing to change my mind. If anything, it solidified my resolve.

It was better to let him go now. He deserved better than me, better than someone who would never be able to let him all the way in. And I didn’t deserve anything.

“Kalli!” he screamed. I grabbed my pillow and held it over my head, trying to muffle the sound of his screams. I heard him coming closer to my door, then I heard a commotion, Bob’s voice telling Riot to calm down and give me some space.

“Kalli, you can’t just ignore me! You can’t just pretend I don’t mean anything to you, like I don’t love you!” He was screaming and sobbing at the same time, and even though I didn’t want to cry anymore, I couldn’t help the tears that poured out of me. “I lost him too, Kalli.” I heard him fall to the ground outside my door, murmuring how he’d loved Marcus too, how he would miss him.