Never Standing Still (The Never Duet #1)(66)

Suddenly, just like the sunshine filtering through my window, a light came on and a door inside my heart opened that I’d never unlocked before. The only way I’d ever stop running away was if I started running toward him instead. The urge to go to him became overwhelming, a new wave of adrenaline coursing through me, my mind flipping through ways to get to him.

My fingers shook as I got online, looking at flights to LA. They trembled as I called Nancy, asking her if she was fine with Marcus for another day or two. Once I told her where I was headed she gave me her blessing and told me she was proud of me, which made the tears start again, only this time they were happy.

The next flight left for LA in two hours, which didn’t leave me a whole lot of time, but I booked the ticket and scrambled out the door, making it to the airport just in time to board my flight.

I was in the comfortable clothes I’d packed to drive home to Seattle in, not my most flattering outfit, and I’d only managed a quick shower, throwing my wet hair up in a messy bun, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about my appearance. My instincts were telling me to get to Riot as quickly as possible.

I felt nothing but excitement in the air. The flight was long, only because my leg was bouncing the whole time and I had nothing to distract me from the thought of seeing him again.

The plane landed and I nearly ran to rent a car. Thirty minutes later I was on the road, hoping I remembered the way to Riot’s apartment. It wasn’t until I was stuck in traffic, sitting on the freeway in LA, that I began to doubt my plan. I couldn’t help but think I should have called him first, or even sent a text. My heart thundered in my chest trying to picture his reaction to me showing up on his doorstep. I had every reason to believe he would be excited to see me, but the doubt lingered. The fear of rejection tried to seep into me, but I did my best to push it back.

When I finally made it to his apartment building, I parked and killed the engine, staring at his door, willing some sign to show me I was supposed to be there. Of course, there was nothing; that would have been too easy.

I took a few deep breaths, and tried to tell my stomach it wasn’t the time to become queasy.

I stalled in front of his door, building the courage to knock, trying to form some sort of script in my mind, not wanting to see him without something substantial to say to him.

Before I could gather myself enough to knock, the door opened and I saw him. My eyes took him in and my whole body sighed with relief at the sight of him.

He was obviously surprised to see me; his face moved quickly from confusion, to shock, to disbelief and then to caution.

“Kalli,” he said softly, just breathing my name.

“Hi.” There went all my plans for a good opener.

“What are you doing…? How did you—”

“Were you leaving?” I asked stupidly, motioning toward the gym bag in his hand. “I can come back later,” I offered. I started to turn back toward my car, just making it a fraction of an inch before his hand was on my arm, stopping me.

“What are you doing here?” His voice was back. He sounded less surprised and more curious. His hand was warm on my skin and I tried not to think about how soothing it was just to feel his skin against mine.

“I’m not really sure. I just woke up this morning and kind of thought I wanted to see you.” Inside, in my mind, I was berating myself for taking the safe route, for skirting around the enormity of how I’d felt that morning when I woke up. I gathered every bit of courage I could and pushed out words I never thought I would say to anyone. “That’s not true,” I said, the words tumbling from my mouth. I sucked in a deep breath and then I just let the rest of the words I’d kept inside of me for so long fall out.

“I woke up this morning and I realized I’d made a mistake. I’ve let the fear of being left behind rule so many parts of my life. I never wanted to give anyone the opportunity to leave me, so I never let anyone close enough for it to matter. Until you.” I swallowed hard, realizing that saying the words in theory was easier than in practice.

“That last day we were together, when Marcus and I were here visiting—”

“Kalli, you’ll never know how sorry I am about what happened,” he said, interrupting me, pulling me into his apartment and closing the door behind me.

“No, Riot, please, just let me talk.” He nodded and I continued. “When we were here, it was the first time I’d felt like a part of a family in so long. I was happy and had the overwhelming feeling that we belonged together like that, with Marcus. It was as if everything was so right. The instant something went wrong, I got scared. When Marcus disappeared I got a taste of everything falling apart around me and I ran.” I swallowed hard, knowing the next words were important. “I took my fear and turned it into anger and aimed it right at you.”

My eyes found his and I pleaded with him, “I’m so sorry for everything I said to you that day. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just an accident and it could have happened to anyone.” I inhaled, trying to keep back the tears I felt welling in my eyes; I wanted to get through the words. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away, but in the moment it was the only way I knew how to deal with all the emotions. Running away is my default. You know, never standing still and all.”

“Is that why you came all the way to LA? To apologize?”