Never Standing Still (The Never Duet #1)(65)

No, it was better to keep my problems to myself.

Finally, when the men were done shaking their goods, Ella announced she was ready to leave and I inwardly sighed with relief. We hugged and kissed Megan goodbye and I hoped her friends had a good handle on her and wouldn’t let her go home alone or do anything stupid.

“You feel like walking or catching a cab?” I asked Ella, noticing how tired she looked.

“Cab. Definitely,” she replied, sighing loudly. We walked to a corner and hailed a cab pretty easily, which I was thankful for. “Hey, were you okay back there?” she asked once we were in the cab. “For a single lady, you didn’t seem to be enjoying the show very much.” She was looking at me with her concerned face, head tilted, eyebrows furrowed.

“Sure,” I said, reaching over to gently pat her leg, trying to convince her I was fine. “I’ve just got some things on my mind.”

“Things?”

I shrugged, looking down at my hands as they worried the hem of my dress. “I met somebody.” My heart thundered in my chest, wanting to tell Ella everything, but I knew if I opened up completely I would lose all the composure I was just barely clinging to. I wanted to tell her, but I wasn’t sure how.

“Oh?” Ella tried to contain her excitement, tried to play it cool as if she wasn’t planning double dates in her mind. I felt a tiny smile come over my face as I pictured Riot and Porter drinking beers together, becoming friends. But then I remembered that wouldn’t ever happen and the smile faded just as quickly as it had appeared.

“Yeah, but he’s gone. It wasn’t a big deal.” More lies.

“Wasn’t it? It kind of seemed like it was a big deal.”

“I thought it was what I wanted. I told him that it had to be casual, like a one-time thing. He was okay with it, at first, but then when it was time for him to go, it all just kind of blew up in my face.” I shrugged again. That wasn’t totally a lie, it was how we’d started, and it was the closest to the truth I could come without mentioning Marcus.

“How?”

“He told me he wanted more. I told him I didn’t.”

“But you did, didn’t you?”

I nodded and wiped a tear that escaped down my cheek.

“Oh, Kalli,” she said as she pulled me closer to her, hugging me. “Who was it?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said as I sniffled.

“It kind of does,” she countered.

“I can’t tell you, though. I’m sorry. I worked with him and if it got out, it wouldn’t be good for him.” More lies.

“You know I’d never tell anyone, Kalli. You’re my best friend. We should be able to tell each other these things.”

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

She placed her hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “It’s okay if you’re not. You know that right? You don’t have to be fine all the time.”

I couldn’t say anything back, couldn’t find the words to explain that if I wasn’t fine, everything in my life would come crumbling down around me. There was more on the line than my happiness, more important things to consider. But I couldn’t tell her any of that.

We made it to the hotel and before we split to head to our individual rooms, she reached out to hug me and I let her. I wasn’t strong enough to resist the comfort she offered. I was so bad at soothing myself, I needed someone else to do it for me.

“I love you, Kalli. You’re like a sister to me. You can always count on me.” Her words did nothing short of cut me open. I didn’t know what it felt like to have someone love me that way. Love, in my experience, was a hardship, a responsibility, something we carried around on our backs. But Ella spoke of love like it lifted her up and I couldn’t understand. How could our views of love be so different? Why couldn’t I let love heal me instead of hurt me?

She released me and I gave her a weak smile, then headed to my room. I made it as far as just inside the door and when it closed behind me I lost the composure I’d been gripping so hard all night. My back slid down the door, slowing making my way to the floor as tears came hard and hot, streaming down my face.

I cried for what seemed like hours, trying to be quiet, not wanting to disturb the people in the room next to me. At some point I picked myself up and moved to the bed and I must have cried myself to sleep, because suddenly I opened my eyes and there was sunlight streaming into my room through the window.

I groaned and rolled away from the light, throwing my arm over my eyes, realizing I was still wearing my dress from the night before. I didn’t feel hung over from alcohol, but I did feel exhausted from crying.

My phone buzzed from inside my purse across the room and my stomach bottomed out, knowing it was a text from Riot. I usually tried to ignore them until I absolutely had to use my phone, but something about the devastation from the night before and the fresh hurt still making its way through me compelled me to read it right away. I ambled out of bed and found my phone, swiping the screen.

**More than anything this morning, I wish that you were here. I know if you were just in front of me, I’d be able to convince you we should be together, that I love you more than anything.**

My first thought after reading the text was that I wished I was with him as well. I wished everything was simple and I didn’t always feel like I had to keep running away, that I could stop and stand still just long enough to let him grab hold of me.