Never Standing Still (The Never Duet #1)(26)
“Come on, let’s go.”
He tugged on my hand and pulled me toward the gate. We walked in silence, making our way down the road meant for cars, until we came to the parking lot. Although we didn’t speak, my body was alive with his touch. Just his hand on mine caused so many zings of electricity to radiate through me. I was a step behind him, letting him lead the way, and I took the opportunity to admire him. He wore a jean jacket that matched the denim of his pants, with combat boots. The laces were loose, not even pretending to hold the shoes to his feet. I saw a white t-shirt poking out of the hem of his jacket and I also saw a leather cuff bracelet wrapped around the wrist of the hand I wasn’t holding. I’d never been with a guy who wore jewelry before, but I couldn’t deny the fact that I found that bracelet incredibly sexy.
He led me to the edge of the parking lot where there was a dilapidated wooden fence, obviously meant for looks, not purpose, as it wasn’t going to keep anyone away from the ledge if they truly wanted to get close. There were also a few benches, one of which Riot walked straight toward. He sat, then pulled me down to sit next to him, and there was no distance between us.
A few moments of pregnant silence passed, but then he spoke.
“I’m sorry about the way I acted the last time we were together, about how I said goodbye. It was a douche move and I regret it.”
He turned his face toward me and even though we were sitting in complete darkness, the shiny caramel of his eyes shone through, and he looked sorry.
“I’m not going to lie, that was really confusing.”
He picked up our hands, which were still linked, and brought them to his lap. “I know,” he said on a sigh, obviously upset with himself. “I was having a hard time dealing with the fact that I really liked you, but you didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I mean,” he said, backpedalling, “besides being friends. But I’ll be really honest with you, I didn’t want to be your friend. I still don’t want to be just your friend.”
“Riot—” I began, but he cut me off.
“No, I know, you’re not looking for a relationship. I remember, trust me. But,” he sighed loudly, then looked back to me. “I just can’t get you out of my mind.”
I was taken aback by his honesty, by the way he seemed to truly be just as caught up in me as I was in him. It didn’t feel like we’d spent weeks apart; I felt like we were still on the grass at the waterfront, still just us.
“I’m sorry, Riot. I just can’t be with someone that way.”
“So, you could sleep with me, spend the night with me, and then just walk away?”
My heart thundered in my chest, listening to him talk about us being together in that way affected me on a base level. It was everything my body craved, but also everything my heart was afraid of.
“I don’t know if I could walk away after being with you, Riot. Which is why we can’t ever let that happen.” I looked out over the city, lights twinkling from far away. I heard him scoff, could tell he was shaking his head.
“I don’t understand you, Kalli.”
I shrugged. “Not many do.”
“But I want to. Doesn’t that count for anything? Doesn’t the fact that I’ve spent the last few weeks of my life trying desperately to forget about you, only to find myself driving through the night to finally touch you, even if it’s just this, just our hands—doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“I’m not sure what it means to me. I don’t know much of anything when it comes to you. Just that you affect me more than anyone ever has.” So much truth came from me in one sentence. There had never been another man in my life who I wanted so much. I couldn’t risk being with him, couldn’t trust myself to walk away.
“Can you please, for my sake, tell me why you are this way? Why you won’t let anyone get close to you?”
“It’s not something I can really explain. I’ve never tried.”
“Could you try though, for me?”
I didn’t know Riot from a hole in the wall—not really. He was just a guy I’d met at work and spent one afternoon with. He could have been any number of guys I spent an evening with and then discarded. He was, in reality, less knowledgeable about me than many of the men I’d slept with and then walked away from. But, in that moment, sitting on that bench, with my hand wrapped in both of his, I had the distinct urge to let him in. To tell him what I’d never explained to a single other person before. So, I took a deep breath and decided to take the leap. Even if it was the scariest thing I would ever do, I had the feeling I would regret it if I let him go without an explanation.
“When I was seven, my dad left us. It was my birthday and I’ll never forget it. Luckily for my mom, a few years later she met Dave. Dave was her savior, made up for all the crap my real father put her through.” I paused, taking a deep breath, unsure of where to go from there. “Dave was as close to a father as I’ll ever get. It wasn’t a perfect relationship between us, but it was good. He was good. He never made me feel like I was the tagalong to my mom, like he got roped into being a father figure. He was present and he was good to me.”
Before I could get the next sentence out, a smile crept over my face. “When I was thirteen, my mom and Dave had a baby. I got a little brother, Marcus.” My smile grew wider and I looked out over the viewpoint, taking in the twinkling lights of the city skyscrapers. “I was thrilled to have a baby brother. He was so cute and it was almost like I could play house with him. I got to carry him, feed him, play with him, but then when he cried I could just hand him back to my mom. He was like a real, live baby doll.”