Never Standing Still (The Never Duet #1)(27)
I turned to look at Riot’s face to find him smiling back at me and he gave my hand a gentle squeeze, almost as if he were trying to encourage me to continue.
“Marcus was the first boy in my world who loved me unconditionally from the very beginning. He was my brother so, I mean, he was kind of obligated, but I swear, Riot, he loved me harder than anyone I’d ever met.” I paused, thinking back to Marcus growing up, the little boy he became, how rambunctious he’d been. A small laugh escaped with just the image of him in my mind. “My mom loved me, of course, but when my father left, things were hard for her and I always knew it was my fault she was alone.”
“Anyway,” I said with a sigh. “When I was twenty, and away at school in New York, my family was in a car accident. A really terrible accident.” I took in a deep breath and tried to muster the courage to tell the story I had avoided telling so many times in my life. “They were in the car on their way to the airport to come visit me in New York. They were driving over a bridge and another car swerved into their lane. Dave tried to avoid it, but only managed to hit another car at just the right angle, sending their car over the guardrail and into the river.”
“Oh, God, Kalli….” Riot’s voice was pained and apologetic. But, instead of listening to him tell me how sorry he was, I kept talking. If I was talking, hopefully I wouldn’t cry.
“Dave died instantly, something to do with the force of hitting the car before they went into the water. My mom had injuries from the crash that left her unconscious, so she ended up drowning once the car filled with water. But Marcus, well, a very brave man dove into the water and rescued him.” I paused for a moment, looking out over the view of the city, taking just a moment to wonder where that man might be. He’d so drastically altered our lives. So bravely dove into that water and done something I’d be forever grateful for, but I was never gifted the opportunity to thank him or even know his name. He’d wanted to remain anonymous.
“Unfortunately, he was without oxygen for too long and he was left with permanent brain damage.” I said the words and I knew they weren’t enough; weren’t enough to totally encapsulate everything about Marcus and his condition. “He’s been through so many years of therapy, and still goes every week, but he’s as better as he’s ever going to get. He was stunted at age seven. So, even though he’s a monster at six foot two and seventeen years old, he thinks and acts like a seven-year-old—a seven-year-old with mental handicaps at that.”
“Shit, Kal, that’s awful.”
I looked back to him, curious about his choice of words. Awful. It was, wasn’t it? Awful. Most people would say sad, or lucky, or even say it was a miracle. But it was awful. For everyone involved, especially Marcus. He didn’t know any better, and would never fully understand what the accident had cost him, but it was awful. He’d never get to do everything he was entitled to, never live alone, never marry, never have children. But he’d live long enough to watch everyone around him live their lives, stuck and never able to move forward.
I was constantly worried for him, worried that one day he’d realize how much he was missing. He’d come to a place in his life where he realized normal twenty-somethings didn’t live with their sisters, didn’t need around the clock care from a medical professional, could drive, have a job, have a girlfriend, could be fathers. One day it would all come crashing down around him and I’d have to watch it happen, have to be there to help him through that. But nothing would ever change for him. There would be no progress. He would be stagnant for the rest of his life and so would I.
I was on this ride with him. I was responsible for him and I had been for the last ten years.
“I’m his guardian, Riot. I’m the one who has to take care of him, be around for him, and make sure he’s all right. And that’s the way it will be for the rest of my life. You can see how that would complicate my dating life.”
“Complicate, yes,” he said carefully, “but not eliminate. Have you ever given anyone the chance to try and prove you wrong?”
Shivers ran down my spine as his words washed over me, but I shook my head. “Try? Try what? To wiggle their way into Marcus’ life and then leave him when they figure out they can’t deal? Try to confuse and crush my brother? He’s fragile enough as it is, he doesn’t need that kind of upset in his life.”
“I totally understand what you’re saying, Kalli, really I do, but it almost feels like you’re punishing yourself and then convincing yourself it’s for his benefit. What if you had a child? What if you were just a single mom? Would you swear off men then?”
I stood at his words, now with anger zipping through my limbs, electrifying me. “Those are two different things, Riot. He’s not a child, and I’m not just a single mom. He’s a mentally handicapped man. He’ll be in my care forever. There won’t ever be a time when he isn’t around. There will be no weekend getaways, no honeymoons, and no vacations. There will never be a time when Marcus isn’t there. He’s a permanent fixture.”
“I think that’s a little drastic,” he said, his voice low, almost patronizing.
“You think it’s drastic? You think I’m over exaggerating? You have no idea what you’re talking about, Riot. You don’t have a clue.” My heart was racing with panic as I was beginning to think I’d made a mistake in opening up to him.