Lost Along the Way(79)

“Maybe he didn’t want to hurt you,” Meg suggested. “Maybe he was hoping he’d find a way out.”

“But I’m his wife. We’re supposed to tell each other everything.”

“You didn’t tell him you didn’t want the boobs,” Cara said.

“It’s not exactly the same thing.”

“No, but maybe he was hoping he’d be able to protect you or something. Maybe he thought what you didn’t know couldn’t hurt you.”

“Well, he did hurt me. He hurt me more than I ever would’ve thought possible. I didn’t get out of bed for more than a week after this whole mess became public. I thought I was in a loving marriage with a guy who was maybe a little superficial, but so what? I thought he loved me. I thought we wanted the same things out of life, and I thought he had scruples. I really did.”

“I know that,” Meg said. She hesitated before she continued. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure. What?”

“The day after your wedding, when we were all at the cocktail party, I overheard Doug talking to someone. One of his buddies, I guess.”

“Oh God. Please don’t tell me you knew he was a crook the day after I married him and never told me. Please don’t tell me that. There’s not enough wine on this island for me to handle that.”

“No! Relax. I overheard him telling his friend how lucky he was, and how you were the best thing that ever happened to him. He was watching you from across the room, and I remember thinking that maybe I was wrong to assume you rushed into things. I remember thinking that he was really in love with you. I could tell just by looking at him. I remember thinking that I was happy you’d found your right person. So he conned me, too. Either way, he wasn’t faking his feelings for you. What you guys had was real, even if nothing else was.”

“Does that make things better or worse?” Jane asked.

“Neither. It doesn’t change anything. But maybe you can sleep a little better at night knowing that your marriage wasn’t based on a lie. At the very least, Jane, I don’t think you should be taking those pills anymore. You don’t need them. They’re only making things worse.”

“I know.” Jane sighed. “I’ve become even more of a cliché than I already was. I’ve devoted the last few years of my life to giving an award-winning performance of the role I’d been offered to play: trophy wife. I got so damn good at playing one I didn’t even know I was doing it, and now I’m a blond bimbo with a borderline substance abuse problem. If they ever turn my life story into a movie, the actress who gets to play me will probably win an Oscar. It would take quite a talented lady to pretend to be this tortured. That will be ironic, won’t it?”

“Meg’s right,” Cara added. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d be drinking a lot too, but I think you should probably keep an eye on it before it becomes something you can’t control.”

“I know. Thanks for mentioning it, though. It helps to know that now at least I have people looking out for me.”

“I’m sure Doug still cares about you, too. If that’s worth anything,” Meg offered.

“It’s not. Why didn’t you ever tell me that you overheard that conversation at the party?”

“Why would I have? Under normal circumstances it wouldn’t have needed mentioning. Everyone should feel that way on their wedding day, right?” Meg asked.

“I did,” Jane said. “I know you guys weren’t on board with how I got married, but I really did feel lucky.”

“I did, too,” Cara said.

“I still think it,” Meg added.

“So what does that tell us? That we’re all idiots?” Jane asked as she slowly began to laugh. “I mean, it’s comical that this happened to us.”

“No. It means we made the decisions we made for the right reasons. So did you.”

“Yeah. Well, it’s over now, so I guess there’s no use harping on it.” Jane sighed again. “I can’t change the past, or my role in it. So I’d better get used to it.”

“You have to figure out what you’re going to do, Jane,” Cara said. She reached over and rubbed her arm. “There are a lot of moving parts, but you need to start focusing on something. I think you should start with making sure your co-op board knows you’re still alive. At the very least, call the building.”

“I’ll do it tomorrow. Tonight is my night to fall apart a little bit. Tomorrow I’ll put myself back together and figure out what I’m going to do. I promise.”

“You’ve earned the right to wallow,” Cara said. She reached over and topped off Jane’s wineglass, then her own.

“Thanks,” Jane said. She’d forgotten what it was like to be in a room with people who didn’t pass judgment. “Thanks for listening. And for not getting on me about drinking too much.”

“That’s what friends are for,” Meg said. “I don’t condone all of your coping mechanisms, but tonight you deserve to unwind any way you want to. I’m just happy that this time you don’t have to do it alone.”





twenty-six


Hangovers never used to hurt like this,” Cara announced the following morning to an empty house. Meg had somehow found the energy to attend her spin class. Jane had walked into town in an enormous pair of sunglasses and a baseball hat, insisting that power walking was an integral part of rebuilding her life. Cara could barely find the energy to brush her hair, so she took on the responsibility of making coffee and cleaning up the glasses and the cheese board from the night before. She didn’t mind the quiet. She felt the cool floor under her bare feet and listened to the birds in the trees. Jane wasn’t the only one who had some long-overdue soul searching to endure, and as much as she was enjoying her time with her friends, she was all too aware that this was just a small reprieve. Her life waited for her a few hours west, and she was going to have to return to it at some point. Neither she nor Jane could hide forever.