Jingle all the Mitchell Way: a holiday novella(16)

Jake and I discovered right away that the left front tire was completely blown.

“Damn.” I mumbled. “We were lucky.”

“It must have just happened.”

“Let’s hurry up. I don’t need frozen balls. I won’t be able to drive if my nuts aren’t comfortable.”

“I don’t want to know these things about you, bro. Keep your ball talk to yourself. Quit your bitching.” He ran to the back, where the jack and other supplies were kept. It took him a few minutes, so I took a piss to kill time. As I zipped my jeans back up in the closed position I heard him talking. “Dude, it’s a real tire.” He was laughing, and it made me think he was going to play a prank on me.

“Thank God. It’s cold as Hell out here. What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. I saw something that made me laugh, that’s all. It’s got nothing to do with you.” Jake handed me the jack while responding. “By the way, I’m pretty sure Hell is hot.”

“I’ll let you know once this trip is over. I’m sure it will be a similar experience.”

“It’s going to be fine,” he tried to reassure me. “You’re such a girl. We’re going to have a good time.”

I rolled my eyes, trying to remain focused on the task. “Reese will start bitching within a week, probably even before it.”

“Shut up. She’ll be fine. Can’t you appreciate we’re doing this for you?”

“Of course I do. This means everything to Amber. She’s had a hard time, always feeling as if she’s still got to prove her parents wrong.”

My brother shook his head. “I still can’t believe those *s told her she should have been the one who died instead of her sister. Who does that shit?”

“I know, right? Look, she’s trying to let them be a part of the twins life. I bite my tongue. As much as I want to kick the shit out of her father, I have to respect they’re her parents. It’s her decision, and as long as I keep my wife happy, she will continue to give me ass. The haters are going to hate. The Jaxinator always wins, dude.”

“Is it weird that I know the name of your dick?” He shook his head. “Never mind. Don’t answer that. Anyway, you can’t think sex is the most important part of life, Jax.”

I opened my hands up as I spoke. “Hey, I live an easy life. We were basically handed a job when we were kids. We’re surrounded by family. My girls are the cutest on the planet. My wife is a f*cking movie star. Who could ask for more?”

“True. When you put it that way I’m envious.”

I shoved my brother. “You already took my girl, once, dude. It ain’t happening again. I’ll cut off your balls and feed them to the goats.”

“It’s been years, Jax. Stop giving me shit when you know you’re happier with Amber. Besides, we don’t even own goats.”

“I’ll buy some,” I corrected. “They eat the garbage. Do you have any idea how many dirty diapers we accumulate?” Then I settled myself. Even a goat wouldn’t be interested in baby shit. “No, I’m thankful. It’s not you I’m worried about. It’s the f*cking famous *s we’re about to be around I’m scared of. Jake, what if she falls for one of them? What if fame changes her?”

“You really think that will happen? Have you seen the way she looks at you? Amber wouldn’t. She’s not deceitful.”

“I don’t know. Don’t you read the magazines in the grocery store? You can go from humanitarian to whore in a matter of days.”

Jake laughed at me. “I don’t go to the grocery store. I work and my woman does the shopping. You’re such a pansy. I take back what I said. Amber might want someone who acts like a man, instead of her bitch.”

He obviously didn’t take me serious. “Extreme couponing takes time and expertise. I happen to think it’s therapeutic.”

My brother wasn’t amused. So what if I’d taken on chores that enabled me to spend time with my wife. While I was clipping coupons, she would rub my achy feet. When we went to the grocery store, we found new items we’d like to try, and never forgot to grab a bottle of whipped cream, just in case we needed a bedtime snack.

“We’re making great time, man. Amber’s going to wake up in Louisiana.”

Then it started to sleet. We’d made it to Georgia only to have the temperature drop due to a low pressure system moving up the coast. My parents had warned me about it, but in all honesty I thought they were joking. What started as a predicted thirteen-hour drive had now turned into a two-day haul.

The sounds of the tiny ice shards hitting everything around us was only a reminder of how dangerous the road conditions would be. It was important to keep everyone safe, even if it cost us travel time. I had to find a place for us to park and wait out the storm, before our traveling house cost us all our lives.

“So much for seeing Louisiana tomorrow.”

“It’s moving out of here fast. Besides, we’re headed south. We can park this sweet ride somewhere and get some shuteye before continuing. It’s no biggie.”

“No rest stops, Jax. Remember what you told me about them? I wouldn’t want you being abducted by men looking for romantic flings while on the road.”