Jingle all the Mitchell Way: a holiday novella(13)
“They’ll live. This means a lot to Amber and me too. I can tell it was getting to her among everything else today. Now she can focus on dinner and worry about the move afterwards.”
“Why would she need to focus on dinner? We can feed the entire town with as many turkeys as we have in your kitchen. Tell me why you went out and bought yours again. You had to know Mom would make at least one. Seriously, bro, you can feed the homeless in at least four countries.”
Jax got closer so nobody else could hear him. “I’d do anything to keep my wife happy. Take notes, brother. If you want the *, you have to work for it. I buy a bird, I get to stuff the wife later.”
“I’ve never had to work for *, and I sure as hell won’t be considered someone’s bitch for it to happen.”
“I happened to like it when she makes me her bitch. The things she can do with those long legs.” He made a sound like he’d bitten into a moist brownie and was savoring every morsel. “MmMm. You just don’t know.”
“I’d rather not hear about the detail of your fornicating. It might make me go into the priesthood.”
“Just wait until Reese starts popping out kids. You’ll see. Her vagina will get six times bigger, and you’ll wonder if you should stick your head up there and call out for anyone inside of it.”
“You have a screw loose. You’re sick!”
“Serious, dude. It’s huge. Then like magic it’s back to normal, calling out your name every time the panties come off.”
“I’ve suddenly lost my ability to rationalize with you.”
“Soon you’ll be struggling to find time to sleep and shit in peace. Having sex is like Christmas. You’ll see. Plus you’ll be thanking me for all the great advice.”
“You and I clearly have different opinions of Christmas and sex. Jesus is the reason for the season. Didn’t you listen in church?”
“Isn’t that the place where I lost my virginity? I seem to recall the girl calling out for Jesus a few times, but it was obvious she knew that wasn’t my name.” He teased.
“There’s no hope for you.” Since I knew when his first time had taken place it was obvious he was fooling around. “Nonetheless, I’m happy to spend the holidays cramped in a motorhome, driving wherever Amber needs to be in order for your family to have a better life, screwed up or not. Maybe she can afford a high-dollar shrink for your demented mind.”
“Maybe.”
“Look, all puns aside, I’m doing this for you. It’s important we make it to Kentucky, but if we can’t, at least we’ll all be together. We’ll make sure the twins are visited by a big fat man in a red suit on December twenty-fifth. It will be epic and unforgettable, all thanks to their Uncle Jake.”
Jax’s face contorted. “Did you just imply some male stranger is going to visit my twin girls on Christmas? I don’t know what you’re trying to get at, but ain’t no man in a creepy red velvet suit getting anywhere near my precious girls. I’ll cut off his balls and feed them to his mangy reindeer.”
I cackled. “Damn. You’d cut off Santa’s balls?”
“You bet your ass I would. I’m a dad now.”
“You do know you’re Santa, right? You’re planning on cutting off your own balls and feeding them to magical reindeer? Have you been drinking while I was gone?”
“It’s highly possible.”
“Good, because I was beginning to think I lost you for a second. Just so we’re clear, Santa isn’t real.”
Just as I said it my sister Isabella’s daughter, Sarah stood in front of me looking like I’d just killed her puppy. Her bottom lip came out, and before I could come up with an excuse as to why I’d blubbered the awful truth for her little ears to overhear, I was getting a slap in the back of my head. “Way to go, loser!” My dad exclaimed, while scooping up his granddaughter. “Don’t listen to Uncle Jake. Grandpa happens to know for a fact that Santa is real. Uncle Colt used to work for him. In fact, he’s so old he helped build his sleigh.”
Uncle Colt, who lets just be honest, wasn’t the most comical of the bunch, shook his head and smiled, figuring on appeasing the small child instead of making a mockery of my dad’s attempt to crack on him.
Jax shoved me toward the house. “You sure know how to f*ck things up, bro.”
If he was right then our holiday road trip was doomed for failure. All I could hope was that we’d all make it safely back in one piece, including the high dollar motorhome I’d be responsible for paying for, even if it was turned into scrap metal, or burned on the side of the road.
Chapter 7
Jax
“All aboard the Love train, destination North Pole.” I said while waving the family to enter the motorhome. Ever since my brother had come up with the idea, Amber had gone into planning mode, making sure we didn’t leave a single thing we could ever need at home. I swear, if she could have packed the whole damn kitchen sink, it would have been included.
Between her own clothes, and all the twins things, I was left with a small kitchen drawer for my shit. Did I mention the Santa suit? Yep, you read it right. She packed one of those too, claiming we might miss the opportunity to have the girls get their picture taken, as if we wouldn’t be driving through towns with Malls where some creepy old man sat around all day getting his jollies from little children who waited in line to visit him, hoping for the opportunity to ask him for something his parents would never approve of. Okay, maybe that was a little irrational. Let’s just say I didn’t have fond memories of Santa Claus. To be honest, the whole idea of him creeped me out. People allow their kids to sit on their laps. Do they not consider they could be a pedophile? Half of them probably were, getting stiffies from innocent victims while their parents took pictures of the whole ordeal. Some could be scarred for life, perhaps even doing everything in their power to prevent their own children from being subdued to such blasphemy.