I Hate Everyone, Except You(27)

MINNIE (CONT’D) Wait! I feel like we all hardly know each other.

FIONA (tugging at Juan Carlos) There will be plenty of time to get to know each other in the future. (dryly) Believe me.

MINNIE Let’s play a game!

FIONA A what?

MINNIE A game. The name game! I say a letter and you have to say the first name that pops into your head. It’s hilarious. (points to Chetley) Your letter is “L.” Go!

CHETLEY Larry.

MINNIE Yes! (points to Sharnay) “F.” Go!

SHARNAY Frank!

MINNIE Great! (points to Juan Carlos) “H.” Go!

JUAN CARLOS Hector.

MINNIE Aha! Hector! That’s a good one!

FIONA Enough! This is a serious television show, Miss Mai, not the inane blog you write. I suggest you start behaving more professionally or your first episode of “You Look Fabulous” will be your last.

Fiona and Juan Carlos exit.

ANGIE (peeking out over top of door) Oooh, you in trouble, girl.

CUT TO BLACK.

END OF ACT TWO.

ACT THREE

INT. CHANGING ROOM SET – CONTINUOUS

SHARNAY Don’t let Fiona bother you.

CHETLEY She’s really charming once you get to know her.

Sharnay and Minnie give skeptical looks.

CHETLEY (CONT’D) I’m totally lying. She’s a demon.

MINNIE Who does she think she is, calling me by my last name. Miss Mai. Miss Mai ass, skank. My real last name is Lefkowitz anyway. My father’s Jewish.

CHETLEY Get out! I’m a half-breed too. Half WASP, half Jewish. Jewish mother though. So technically, I’m more Jewish than you. Except I never had a bar mitzvah, so technically I’m not Jewish. I think. I told my parents that for my thirteenth birthday, instead of a bar mitzvah I wanted a private performance of “A Chorus Line” in our backyard. My parents were crazy-rich, so they basically bought me Donna McKechnie.

MINNIE I don’t know who that is, but mazel.

ANGIE (exiting changing room in a boldly printed caftan) This is the twenty-third dress I’ve tried on and nothing looks good.

SHARNAY Oh, stop. It looks good. If you’re hosting a key party.

CHETLEY Or if you’re married to Mister Roper. “Stanley, would you stop bothering those kids upstairs!”

MINNIE I don’t know who that is either.

CHETLEY You really need to brush up on your 1970s pop culture.

MINNIE I was born in 1992.

CHETLEY Sharnay, she was born—in the ’90s.

SHARNAY (to Chetley) I’m not deaf. (to Angie) You still haven’t tried on the orange satin sheath.

CHETLEY (to Angie) It’s gonna be fabulous! Back inside. And hurry!

Angie returns to changing room.

CHETLEY (CONT’D) 1992. I got my start in this business in 1992. It’s true. I was Christina Applegate’s stylist in “Married . . . With Children.” Fishnet tights with denim shorts? That was me. You’re welcome.

SHARNAY So, where were we? We know Juan Carlos is really Hector. (to Minnie) You’re a genius, by the way. But we still don’t know for sure if I slept with him.

MINNIE We’ll need to figure out another way to trick him. When were you with him?

SHARNAY Two years ago.

MINNIE Where?

SHARNAY Cabo San Lucas.

MINNIE I’m on it!

Minnie leaves.

Angie opens up dressing room door. She wears the orange dress and it fits perfectly.

ANGIE How’s this?

CHETLEY Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

SHARNAY Yay! Orange you glad you tried that one on?

Chetley and Angie groan.

INT. HAIR AND MAKEUP SET – DAY CUT TO: Juan Carlos straightens up his hairstyling station. Fiona rifles through Minnie’s makeup station.

FIONA I see Minnie has set up her station after all. Quite an assortment.

(starts applying lipstick)

JUAN CARLOS You probably shouldn’t be doing that.

FIONA You probably shouldn’t be telling me what to do.

Minnie enters.

JUAN CARLOS You probably want to know that Minnie is right behind you.

MINNIE Hi!

FIONA I was just admiring your makeup assortment.

MINNIE That’s a pretty shade you chose. It’s called “Scarlet Fever.” Which is interesting because I used it just yesterday on a drag queen with really bad herpes.

FIONA (wiping mouth) Yuck.

MINNIE Oh, don’t worry. I always use disposable brushes. I’m kind of a cleanliness freak. (she wipes the top layer of lipstick off the tube) That’s why I don’t like anyone touching my things without asking.

FIONA I had high hopes for you, Miss Mai. Now I’m starting to question the network’s decision to hire you.

MINNIE I’m sorry to hear that but I assure you I’m a professional. And thank you for understanding about not using my supplies. (hesitates for a second) Especially not the brow gel.

FIONA The brow gel?

MINNIE This stuff. (picks up small tube) It’s very expensive. I have it shipped from Japan. I can only get one tube at a time through customs.

FIONA What’s so special about it?

MINNIE Well, it’s really easy to apply. And it makes for perfect eyebrows every time. And I always keep it right here. (puts tube down very deliberately) FIONA Good to know. I’m going to check up on Sharnay and Chetley. How long does it take to find one stupid dress?