I Hate Everyone, Except You(24)

CHETLEY (CONT’D) (startled and worried) Oh my God, what are you doing here? Is something wrong with Pop-Pop?!? (realizes who she actually is, then awkwardly tries to cover) Oh . . . I mean, Hey! What’s up! Pop pop! Pip pip! See you later, yo!

INT. FIONA’S OFFICE – DAY

CHETLEY (V.O.) Yeah, I know. Not my best recovery, but I was scared! Anyway, we were called into Fiona’s office. She’s the producer of the show, as well as a complete and total B. You might assume that a soulless, backstabbing network executive and someone who has worked on a makeover series for almost a decade would have better fashion sense. But you’d be wrong.

CUT TO:

FIONA sits on her desk, flipping through some paperwork. She wears thigh-high black boots, skintight black leggings, and a very poufy, high-necked white blouse.

CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) Do you see this? Evidently today she’s taking her style inspiration from Keira Knightley. In “Pirates of the Caribbean.” I can’t even.

FIONA I know the two of you became very close friends of [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] over the years. Well, I’ve got some exciting news. They’ve been fired. And I’ve already received word that they’re suing the network. So, for all intents and purposes, we’re going to consider them dead. (smiles) Sharnay and Chetley stare at each other blankly.

SHARNAY I want [BLEEP]’s parking space.

CHETLEY I want [BLEEP]’s dressing room.

SHARNAY I wanted [BLEEP]’s dressing room!

CHETLEY Well, I wanted [BLEEP]’s parking spot. Trade? Deal.

FIONA Your compassion is heartwarming.

CHETLEY (sings in an Ethel Merman voice) There’s no business like show business! (suddenly concerned) (MORE) CHETLEY (CONT’D) Are you replacing them? Season ten starts shooting today.

FIONA Of course. We’ve hired two new hosts.

SHARNAY Who?

FIONA I was just about to tell you. The two of you will continue to handle clothes, accessories, and shoes. The new hairstylist is named Juan Carlos Rodriguez and the new makeup artist is Minnie Mai.

SHARNAY I’ve never heard of them.

FIONA That’s because they’re new to television. They both write very popular blogs and have huge social media followings.

CHETLEY Bloggers? Is that what it’s come to?

SHARNAY Who reads blogs? I’ve never looked at a blog in my life! What kind of word is blog anyway. Blah-g. Blah-g. Blah-g. Sounds like the ladies’ room at the Beverly Hilton after lunch. (mimics vomiting) Blah-g.

CHETLEY I like the food there.

SHARNAY It’s not the food, it’s the clientele. (sticks finger in her mouth) CHETLEY Oh, a bulimia joke. That’s always in good taste.

Sharnay sticks out her tongue at Chetley. Chetley thumbs his nose back.

FIONA When are you two going to grow up? The network has decided to cast bloggers to attract millennials.

CHETLEY Why on earth would they do that?

FIONA Because you’re not getting any younger.

Chetley gasps in horror.

SHARNAY Ha-ha.

FIONA I was referring to you also, Sharnay.

Sharnay gasps in horror.

CHETLEY Ha-ha.

FIONA (dryly) Ha-ha. I’m loath to admit that the two of you are safe, at least for the time being. Turns out you’re very much loved by women 18 to 35. For the life of me I can’t figure out why, but apparently my opinion doesn’t matter. Unbeknownst to you, we spent a fortune on extensive market research at the end of last season, conducting focus groups in twelve major cities across America. Sharnay, young women see you as (reads limply from a bound report and uses air quotes) “glamorous,” “inspiring,” and “a good role model.” (rolls eyes) And Chetley, women in the demo see you as “a best friend,” “a favorite gay uncle,” and “the kind of guy you want to have a cosmo with.”

CHETLEY A cosmo? That’s so 2003. Who the hell do I look like, Cynthia Nixon?

SHARNAY No, she’s much more butch than you nowadays.

Sharnay and Chetley mouth the word “lesbian” to each other.

FIONA (annoyed) I think it’s time for you to meet your new cohosts. They’re waiting in the conference room next door. (speaks into intercom) Diane, please send in Juan Carlos and Minnie. (to Sharnay and Chetley) Did I mention they’re much younger than you?

MINNIE enters.

MINNIE Juan Carlos said he’d be right in. I think he’s making a pee-pee. What’s up, bitches! I’m Minnie Mai! Not to be confused with Mini Me! It is so freakin’ amaze-balls to meet you guys! I have been watching this show since I was—I don’t know—twelve. You know, right around puberty, when the boobies really started growing, or not growing in my case. Ha-ha! These are totes fakes. I got C-cups because I didn’t want to look all “Me so horny.” You know what I mean? Me love you long time. I should really S.T.F.U., but I can’t help it. When I get nervous I turn into a racial stereotype. (to Sharnay) O.M.G.! Your hair is gorge! Can I touch? (she touches without waiting for an answer) That’s nice. Silky. Not Chinese because it takes a curl nicely. Probably Indian. Could also be Cambodian hooker.

Sharnay looks stunned and furious. Chetley is amused.

DIANE (ON INTERCOM) Juan Carlos is back. I’m sending him in now.

FIONA Thank you. Let’s stop with the touching. I’m sufficiently repulsed.

JUAN CARLOS enters.