I Hate Everyone, Except You(23)
Here, I’m including a sitcom script about a makeover show I wrote during a sleet storm that lasted two days. We could barely step outside the house because everything was covered in a solid inch of ice. Even our dog, Mary, was getting frustrated trying to pee. In her canine urinary crouch, she’d slide down the driveway like one of those Olympic curling stones. It was hilarious. In the evening over a bottle of port, Damon and I joked that we should bring a couple of brooms outside with us and furiously sweep the ice ahead of her to see how much speed she could gain. Maybe see if she could knock down a few frozen squirrels set up like bowling pins.
Just FYI: Don’t try to read between the lines for hidden digs at my What Not to Wear coworkers. Seriously. It’s complete fiction. No, seriously.
CHARACTERS:
CHETLEY MELBOURNE, 45, hails from New Canaan, Connecticut. He’s a clothing stylist with a penchant for breaking into Broadway show tunes. He’s quirky, slightly snobby, mildly insecure, and impeccably dressed in an Old Hollywood style. Chetley began his career as a wardrobe intern on “Miss Saigon” and moved to Los Angeles when the show’s star, Lea Salonga, was invited to sing “A Whole New World” at the Oscars. (“They sent me there to steam her gown and I never looked back!”) Ever since his divorce two years ago, he’s been unable to find love because, as he says, “When you’re a gay single man over the age of 35 in Los Angeles, you might as well be a straight single woman over the age of 35 in Los Angeles—invisible.”
SHARNAY SIMMONS, 42, is originally from Toronto, where she attended a prestigious all-girls boarding school. At the age of 16 she was arrested for using a fake ID to enter a club during a weekend outing in New York City. On the bright side, a model scout had also been arrested that night for cocaine possession. The result was a lucrative and lengthy modeling career for Sharnay, which allowed her to travel the world, fine-tune her sense of style, and eventually become a fashion stylist on “You Look Fabulous.”
MINNIE MAI, 21, is a half-Chinese, half-Jewish makeup artist from Minneapolis. When her parents would not let her skip college to pursue a Hollywood makeup career, she doubled up on classes at Northwestern University and finished her bachelor’s degree in chemistry in two years. While in school she created a popular blog called “Mai Face” in which she tested every cosmetic known to womankind. It quickly became rated as the best beauty blog by many major women’s magazines. Minnie is energetic, smart (though a little immature), media-savvy, and always clad in the latest trends.
JUAN CARLOS RODRIGUEZ, 33, is a modern-day Warren Beatty in “Shampoo.” He’s Puerto Rican–American, very charming, and very attractive. His hairstyling career began in his mother’s shop in the South Bronx, where she put him to work at the age of 12 to keep him out of trouble. He eventually worked his way up to styling hair in Manhattan’s most exclusive salons and writing a very popular blog called “Whoomp, Hair It Is.” Juan Carlos is very aware of his good looks and is an equal-opportunity flirt, causing others to frequently question his sexuality.
FIONA WHITTINGCOMB, 39, is the executive producer of “You Look Fabulous.” Originally from London, Fiona is the queen of makeover television, having produced several shows in the genre for the BBC. Fiona comes off as superior and judgmental, not just because she’s British, but because she’s also a bitch.
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
Montage of clips from “You Look Fabulous”—a flashy makeover show.
CHETLEY (V.O.) Hi. My name is Chetley Melbourne, the guy from “You Look Fabulous.” I know, I know, you love that show. And why shouldn’t you. It’s the most successful makeover series in the history of television. “You Look Fabulous” stars me—that’s Chetley Melbourne if you weren’t paying attention—and Sharnay Simmons, as well as [BLEEP] and [BLEEP]. Well, it doesn’t star [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] anymore. Those two got fired, just earlier today as a matter of fact, and evidently things got a little ugly.
Security cam footage of one woman, face blurred, throwing punches wildly at guards, and a man, face blurred, on his hands and knees begging and sobbing.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) Sharnay and I did not get fired, although I wouldn’t have minded too much. She and I have been hosting this show for nine years. That’s a long time to be saying the same crap, over and over and over.
Repetitive clips of Sharnay and Chetley exclaiming “You look fabulous!” to women who have been made over.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) I guess I shouldn’t complain about my job. It pays the mortgage . . . on my mansion!
Shot of Chetley having a martini on a lounge chair in the backyard of a huge house. A handsome, shirtless pool boy is working nearby. Chetley winks to camera.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) But enough about me, at least for now. Let’s talk about Sharnay. Isn’t she pretty? A real natural beauty—if it’s natural to employ three hairstylists, two makeup artists, four wardrobe stylists, and one guy whose sole job it is to apply her liquid eyeliner.
Montage of assistants holding up dresses, jewelry, shoes, and wigs for Sharnay’s approval.
CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) In all these years, I’ve only seen her without makeup once. I literally mistook her for the home-health aide who takes care of my 92-year-old grandfather.
INT. HALLWAY – DAY CUT TO: Sharnay is walking in a bathrobe, hair in a sloppy bun, with her back to camera. CHETLEY comes from around the corner and mistakes her for someone else.