I Hate Everyone, Except You(25)
Sharnay and Chetley both gasp in surprise. They look at each other with suspicion and quickly cover.
Fiona and Minnie look at each other and shrug. Juan Carlos smiles.
CUT TO BLACK.
END OF ACT ONE.
ACT TWO INT. FIONA’S OFFICE – DAY
Chetley, Sharnay, Minnie, and Juan Carlos are seated in Fiona’s office. She is handing out packets of photographs and biographical information, which the hosts peruse.
CHETLEY (V.O.) Let’s return to our meeting, shall we? Fun.
FIONA Today you’re making over a woman named Angie Grober. The field team shot her at-home story last week. Mom of nine. Five or six of them are adopted. Cancer survivor. Blah, blah, blah. It’s all in the packet. As you can see from her pictures, she’s tragic. She’s not too fat though, and she has decent bone structure.
JUAN CARLOS Not too fat? It says here she’s a size six.
FIONA Like I said, not “too” fat.
SHARNAY Does she have all her—
FIONA (interrupting) Yes, Sharnay, she has all her teeth. You don’t have to ask me that every week.
SHARNAY (confrontational) I’m asking because I don’t want a repeat of season four, when every woman you cast was missing a big-ole toof in the front of her mouth. (to Minnie and Juan Carlos) You can put a girl in an Armani gown, pile ten pounds of extensions on her head, and give her a to-die-for smoky eye. But if she smiles and half her grille is back in Kentucky, all your hard work is for nothing.
CHETLEY Amen, sister.
MINNIE We could always get them veneers.
FIONA This show doesn’t do cosmetic procedures. No cutting, drilling, injecting. Not even Botox. The guiding principle of this show is helping a woman’s inner beauty shine outward.
SHARNAY (sarcastic) As long as she’s not too ugly to begin with. Right, Fiona?
FIONA Correct. Juan Carlos, do you have any ideas what you’d like to do with her hair?
JUAN CARLOS I was thinking she might look good as a buttery blonde, with some extra highlights around the face and maybe bangs . . .
CHETLEY (V.O.) I thought that meeting would never end. Now I can tell you why Sharnay and I gasped when Juan Carlos entered the office.
DISSOLVE TO: INT. LADIES’ ROOM – DAY Sharnay has been frantically looking for Chetley. She finds him in the ladies’ room.
SHARNAY I have been looking all over for you! What are you doing in the ladies’ room?
CHETLEY I was looking for you! Then I got distracted by the fact that there’s potpourri in here. We don’t have potpourri in the men’s room. And I cannot for the life of me figure out what that smell is. (holds bowl up to her nose) Is that peach?
SHARNAY Get that [BLEEP] out of my face. I need you to spill the beans right now!
CHETLEY I don’t have any beans.
SHARNAY You are full of beans! I saw the way you acted when the new guy showed up.
CHETLEY I saw the way you acted when the new guy showed up.
SHARNAY I don’t know what you’re talking about.
CHETLEY I don’t know what you’re talking about.
SHARNAY Stop repeating everything I say or I am gonna get all Bed-Stuy on your ass.
CHETLEY Bed-Stuy? As in Bedford Stuyvesant? Brooklyn?
SHARNAY Yeah, what about it?
CHETLEY Oh, please. You’re from Toronto. You went to prep school.
SHARNAY (whining) OK, OK. Just tell me. I need to know what’s up with you and him.
CHETLEY Fine. I don’t need this to become common knowledge around here, but I’m 99 percent sure I . . . you know . . . fooled around with him.
SHARNAY Shut. Your. Face!
CHETLEY It was two years ago, after I got gay divorced.
SHARNAY I don’t believe you.
CHETLEY Why not? You don’t believe a guy like me could score a hottie like him?
SHARNAY I’m sure you could. On a good day.
CHETLEY Or is it because you don’t believe he’s gay, because let me tell you . . . (sassy) He ain’t that butch.
SHARNAY Don’t do the black girl thing with your neck. I’ve told you, it’s not cute when you do it. It’s cute when I do it. That’s not what I meant.
CHETLEY What’s your problem then?
SHARNAY I think I fooled around with him too.
CHETLEY Liar!
SHARNAY I am not!
CHETLEY You are just saying that to copy me!
SHARNAY Wrong!
CHETLEY It’s just like that time last season when I told Fiona I wanted wheatgrass-and-aloe juice for lunch every day. And then you said, “Yes, Fiona, I’ll have that too!”
SHARNAY We were doing the same juice cleanse, remember? It was your idea.
CHETLEY Oh, right.
SHARNAY You kept the weight off.
CHETLEY Aww, thank you for noticing.
SHARNAY Look, I’m not yanking your chain. I’m serious. It was the only one-night stand of my life!
CHETLEY Right. And I’m Cynthia Nixon. (laughs) Like the way I brought her up twice in one day? What are the chances?
SHARNAY Shush. I’m not kidding. I don’t usually put out so easily. I’m no prude, don’t get me wrong, but I always wait till the third date. Then I will hit it. And I will hit. It. Hard! You know what I’m talkin’ about?
CHETLEY Please, I’m already nauseous from the potpourri. What happened this time?
SHARNAY I was in Cabo two winters ago with my friend Sandra. We were having umbrella drinks and she ended up not feeling so well. She had too much sun or something, so she went back to our hotel room. But I stayed and had one more.