Forever for a Year(26)

“Shut up, bitch,” Elizabeth Shunton said to her sister.

“No way—” Katherine started, but then the first boy said, “It’s cool, Katherine. Come on. Drink yours. Let’s have a good time,” and he grabbed her butt, and she finally laughed.

“To the best year ever!” Katherine called out, raising her cup. Everyone else did the same, and I felt invisible, like I didn’t belong here or anywhere in the world, and then they all drank their shots and screamed. Shannon drank the one meant for me, and I wanted to hug her except she probably would think I was a freak, so I didn’t. Then everyone (except me, obviously) did a second shot, even Peggy, and, I don’t know, I felt silly in my dress and these shoes and in this house and in high school. I wanted to go back to junior high and be in eighth grade forever.

But then Kendra arrived, because I invited her even though Peggy didn’t want me to, and they offered her a shot, and she said no, and suddenly I felt I wasn’t so alone even though that’s a stupid reason to not feel alone. No one, not even Katherine, made fun of Kendra for not drinking. This was probably because they were all white and Kendra was black and they were afraid of coming across as racist even though it’s actually racist not to make fun of someone just because they are different. I didn’t really care why they didn’t make fun of her or yell at her, because I really wanted her to stay at the party.

*

More people started showing up after seven, and it was actually really fun for a little while, because all the freshman girls started dancing after Shannon started, and even though she looked so sexy, like they do in perfume commercials, she said I was a great dancer. I didn’t think I was, but I liked her telling me that anyway. But then some junior boys started trying to dance with Shannon, and she stopped, so I stopped, and then Kendra did too, but Emma, Wanda, and Peggy decided to let the boys dance with them.

Then more and more people showed up, and no one could walk without bumping into someone, and the music got louder even though no one had room to dance, except four sophomore girls jumped on the couch and tried until Katherine yelled at them.

Kendra and I decided to step outside because we wanted to breathe actual air. “Are you having fun?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said, though I don’t know if I believed her because I knew I wasn’t having fun anymore. I hadn’t seen Peggy since the boys started dancing with her, and Shannon had disappeared into the backyard with some of the upperclassman stoners, and Kendra and I had just been standing in a corner, people-watching, and not able to talk because it was too loud. Then Kendra said, “I still feel like I’m in junior high and just pretending to be in high school,” which was EXACTLY how I felt, or at least really close.

That’s when I saw a group of four boys walking toward the house under the shadows of the trees, and I don’t know why I cared about these four—I mean, there were a million boys in the house, but I just kept watching them until they stepped into the light.

Then he looked at me. The boy in the back.

Trevor.

Gosh. He looked so handsome outside of school, and I wanted to cry, but actually, not really, what I really wanted to do was go talk to him, and pretend I was cool, and like I didn’t care that he liked Peggy, but I didn’t know how to open my mouth.

Then—what was happening?—Kendra said, “Hi, Trevor,” and he said, “Hi, Kendra,” and THEN he said, “Hi, Carolina,” and even though he said my name like the state, I fell back in love with him. Not really. I mean, maybe. I don’t even know what that means. I guess I really just wanted him to like me again after not caring for three days.

He followed the boys he was with, who I didn’t recognize, into the house.

“How does Trevor know you?” I asked Kendra.

She must have sensed I was all twisted up inside because Kendra said, “We’re in math together. He’s really nice. I thought you didn’t like him anymore?”

Then I told Kendra what I hadn’t admitted to anyone except my own head. “I just stopped liking him because he stopped liking me.”

“How do you know he stopped liking you?”

“Katherine told me he likes Peggy.”

Then Kendra whispered something I had told myself (but apparently myself didn’t listen as well as I thought). She said, “I don’t think you should believe anything Katherine says.” And that’s when I thought that even if Trevor really did like Peggy, I would much rather find that out from him instead of spending the rest of eternity wondering if Katherine had lied.

“Will you help me go talk to him?” I asked.

And Kendra said, “Of course,” which was amazing, so amazing … gosh. Just amazing. Then she took me by the hand, and we walked back into the party. Except there were now, literally, a gazillion people in the house—yes, I’m exaggerating, but, you know, probably not by much—and I was sure there was no way we would find Trevor.

But then, through the cracks between the twelve people that stood between us, I saw the side of his face. So we moved in that direction, but by the time we got to where he’d been standing, he had moved, and we had to spin around until we saw him, this time near the stairs, and we walked that direction, except halfway there, Henry McCarthy and his big friend Jake stepped in front of us, and Henry shoved his finger in my face. “You didn’t come to my game!” he yelled. Everyone had to yell to be heard at the party, but his yell wasn’t very nice.