Forever for a Year(21)

“What’s wrong?” he asked, which I hated, because I hated him and hated him more because he knew something was wrong just by the way I ate donuts.

“Nothing, Dad,” I said.

“You called me ‘Dad,’ so now I know something’s wrong.” He did his big-smile thing, and it sort of worked even though I didn’t want it to.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know you think I’m a terrible person…”

It made me so sad to think I thought my dad was a terrible person. And for him to know it. But it was true. So how could I stop thinking it just because it was sad?

“… but you are, without question, one of the best people. And the best people care a lot about a lot of people, and when you care a lot about a lot of people, you get hurt more.”

“Then maybe I shouldn’t care so much!” I said, and because I’m a crying machine the tears started falling.

“No, Carolina, no,” he said, calling me by the right name even though he just found out about it Monday. “I know you are hurt and you feel vulnerable, but caring as much as you do will eventually give you strength—real, lasting strength. Not the fake strength that being mean gives others.”

“Oh, Dad,” I said, and then leaned toward him to let him know it was okay for him to hug me. And he did. And it felt so good, like when I was a kid, but even better because I thought I would never let him hug me again and yet here we were. My dad was so smart and wise and amazing and then I remembered he was also horrible and then I didn’t know what to think anymore so I just let him hug me until I felt calm. Really calm. Calmer than I had since, I don’t know, maybe ever.

“Do you want me to drive you to school?” he asked while still hugging me, which was the perfect thing he could have said, and I nodded without really moving my head. When I texted Peggy to say I didn’t need a ride, I felt good, like I didn’t need her. I don’t know. I don’t want to not need her but I don’t want to need her either. Everything’s complicated now.

As my dad dropped me off in front of school, he said a really weird thing, but he liked to say weird things so I guess it wasn’t weird for him. He said, “In high school, everyone is figuring out who they’re supposed to be. You just be who you want to be instead of who you’re supposed to be and you’ll know something no one else knows.”

“Okay, Scott,” I said. I don’t even know why I didn’t say “Dad” after he had been so nice, but sometimes when my dad tried to say smart things it made me frustrated because I wish he would just act smart (mainly with my mom) instead. I did give him a quick hug—really quick—before jumping out of the car and heading into school.

*

So. Okay. I made a decision as I walked to biology. A couple of decisions actually.

One: I really wasn’t going to think about Trevor, or any boys, at all. Maybe after I got accepted to Stanford when I was a senior I would think about them again. But not until then. Now that I knew Trevor didn’t like me, it wasn’t as fun to think about him anyway.

Two: I was going to talk to Kendra more. Peggy was still my best friend, but, you know, I thought it would be a good idea if I talked to Kendra lots too.

Three: I wasn’t going to listen to anything Katherine said about anything. I would pretend to listen because she would go psycho on me if she knew I was ignoring her, but I wouldn’t really listen.

*

You know what? I did a really amazing job at doing all three things on Wednesday. And Thursday. And Friday. Like, really, by lunch on Friday, I couldn’t even remember why I would have even wanted to like Trevor. I mean, he was cute and all, but he was just, I don’t know, a boy. What could be so special about him? There were a million boys, right? (Yes, Katherine said this, but she said it before I decided to ignore her.) And I had ignored her! She kept telling me to wear more eyeliner and stuff my bra and chew gum to make me look less intense, but I didn’t do any of that.

Kendra and I started becoming really close. She was just so nice, and even though she was quiet and maybe a little boring sometimes, she also really listened when you talked. Peggy started being more like old Peggy by Friday too. I think she started to see that Kendra and I were becoming better friends and didn’t want me to become too good of friends with her. Maybe. That’s mean for me to think. It doesn’t matter. What matters is by the end of soccer practice on Friday, everything seemed almost normal. Not perfect. Okay, definitely not perfect. But normal. Like I could understand it. Like I was in control of my life again.

But then Friday night happened.

Oh. My. Gosh.

The party at Peggy and Katherine’s.

My first high school party.

It changed everything.

It didn’t ruin it. No.

(I’m going to stop saying everything’s ruined unless it’s really ruined. I really am. I need to stop being so dramatic. Really.)

So not ruined.

But changed.

Because suddenly I was not in control of anything. Not ANYTHING at all.

(I’m one thousand percent not being dramatic!)





14

Trevor decides not to give up on the world

“Trevor, do you need to talk?” Lily said as if she were my therapist, except she said it while holding a Barbie doll that was wearing a shirt but no pants. It was Tuesday after school, and I was thinking about moving to Europe or someplace awesome.