Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4)(115)

“She was pregnant.”

They all jerked back, stunned. Dylan followed, “Was?”

“She woke up in a pool of her own blood one night. The doctor said it happens a lot I guess. I don’t f*cking know.”

I shrugged like it was no big deal, when it was really tearing at my heart again. I took another swig of my beer, avoiding their stares.

“Fuck…” Jacob breathed out. “That’s rough to come back from. How is she?”

“I don’t even know.”

Lucas frowned. “What the f*ck does that mean?”

“It means I’m a f*cking *. From the second the doctor told us it was a miscarriage, I blamed her. I blamed the woman who has done anything and everything for me. The same woman that has saved my sorry ass more f*cking times than I care to count,” I admitted out loud for the first time.

Immediately feeling like the piece of shit I knew I was.

“There’s got to be a reason you feel that way, Austin. We’re all f*cking *s. Especially that son of a bitch right there.” Lucas grinned, angling his beer toward Dylan. “We know you love her. You’re just as *-whipped as we all are.”

“Speak for yourself,” Dylan chimed in.

“You may not be with Aubrey, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to be. Play that card somewhere else, McGraw,” Jacob called him out. “But this isn’t about you—”

“Listen, guys, I really appreciate this, but I don’t want to—”

“No shit, Austin. You never want to talk about it. It’s who you’ve always been. How far has that gotten you, huh?” Lucas countered, interrupting me.

The words were spilling out of my mouth before I even knew it.

“Briggs had a f*cking abortion, alright? Happy now? Years ago. For reasons I don’t want to get into with you *s. I think a part of me has never forgiven her for it. I love her more than anything and I don’t blame her for her choices, but I can’t help the way I feel. Her miscarrying just brings all that shit back up for me. I question whether the miscarriage had something to do with the abortion even though I don’t think that’s even physically possible. All my thoughts and feelings are irrational and f*cking selfish, but there isn’t anything I can do to make them go away. So there…”

I drank the rest of my beer, placing it on the table. I stood shocked as shit that I had just shared that. I’d never told anyone.

“The fact that I even just admitted all of this to you makes me hate myself even more than I have since the miscarriage. I’m f*cked up. I’m so f*cked up in my head that it’s just a cluster of bullshit in a hollow place. I love her more than anything. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. She’s my reason. For everything.”

I took a deep breath, rubbing the back of my neck.

“Austin, we’ve all f*cked up. Especially with our girls. You’re human, bro. You need to stop punishin’ yourself and just f*ckin’ talk to her. I know that’s hard for any man, but f*ck it,” Dylan advised.

“Have you talked to Aubrey? Huh? You forgiven her?” I threw back at him.

He winced. It was quick, but I saw it.

“Exactly.” With that I turned and left.

I grabbed our dinner order from the counter and got my sorry ass in the f*cking car. Needing to get away from them. To get away from this f*cking hell that has lived inside of me for God knows how long. I felt every minute of that drive home, down to every last second.

My mind raced.

My body craved.

My heart shattered.

By the time I made it home, I was running out of the car. Throwing the food on the island table, heading straight for the stairs. Taking them three at a time. My body came to an immediate stop, the force alone almost knocking me the f*ck over.

The bedroom door was open. The room that was going to be our baby’s. The room that Briggs never went in.

The room I used for the sole purpose to betray her.

I couldn’t move. My feet were glued to the goddamn floor. The only light shining in our dark house came from the same place I let my darkness take over me. My heart was pounding out of my chest. My palms became clammy and sweat pooled at my temples. The walls of the hallway were closing in on me.

The f*cked up voices already screaming, “No! No! No!” In my mind. I gripped the back of my head, wanting to rip my goddamn hair out. Trying to decide if I should leave or face what might be waiting for me on the other side of that door. I took a deep breath and made myself walk forward, each stride brought me closer to my own demise.

No more excuses.

No more lies.

No more I’m sorry.

I pushed the partially closed door open and walked into the room. Briggs' head was bowed, her body slumped over with her purple hair slightly hiding her face. She looked so broken. So defeated. So f*cking sad. As if every last part of her had died. My closed box was securely placed in her hands, her grasp so tight that her knuckles had turned white.

She knew.

She finally peered up at me after what felt like maybe a few minutes, hours, days… everything blended together now. Nothing made sense in my life anymore. All I knew was my whole world was sitting on that bed.

The good and the bad.

My angel and my devil.

With a solemn expression she asked, “This what you’re looking for, Austin?” She held up the box, finally looking me in the face.