Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4)(116)

I swallowed hard. It felt like knives going down my throat, directly toward my heart. Just from the look on her tear-stained face. It was always the same goddamn look.

Hurt, disgust, disappointment.

Making me feel like a worthless piece of shit.

“How long?” she said barely above a whisper.

My eyes shifted back and forth between her and the box. Battling between the woman I loved most in the world and the box that held the things I hated the most but craved.

“How long have you been f*cking lying to me?!” she screamed loud enough to shatter glass.

I didn’t even bat an eye as I replied, “Since the night I relapsed.”

She grimaced, the impact of the truth crashing into her. She stood from the bed with the box still in her grasp. Walking over to the furthest corner of the room, away from me.

“I don’t even get high anymore, baby. It’s not even about that. I need it to take the edge off. I swear to you that’s all,” I rasped out, trying like hell to keep it together.

Tears slid down her face onto the box in her hands.

Our baby.

My lies.

The truth.

“You need this shit," she said, lifting the box up. "To be with me,” she wept her voice breaking. “That’s why? Because of me, right? That’s what you’re taking the edge off of?”

I shook my head no, grabbing the back of my neck.

“Then what? What excuse do you have now? What lie are you going to tell me? Do you even know anymore, Austin? The truth from the f*cked-up fiction you created in your head to justify why you’re an addict.”

“Briggs.” I stepped toward her, but she put her hand up in the air stopping me dead in my tracks.

“I’m just as f*cked up as you are! I’m your f*cking enabler! I make excuses and lies for you because I love you! Because it kills me to think that you’re not the man I fell in love with! The man that protected me from every bad thing in this world! The man who was my first friend! The one that made me feel safe and loved for the first time since my parents died! The same man that’s looking at the box with all his f*cking drugs in it, rather than looking at me!”

My body was physically starting to cave in on me. Pushing me further and deeper into the black abyss of an addict. I hadn’t used since I found Briggs in the kitchen that afternoon, before I left to go to the shop. My head was throbbing, my body clawing at itself, and the ache spreading through me was so f*cking crippling. I blamed my relapse on the pain that the miscarriage caused.

I kept using because the guilt I felt from blaming her was unforgiving. It didn’t help that I kept seeing our babies when I was high.

Everything about it was so f*cked up.

Every time I used, I told myself I wasn’t going to do it again, that this was the last time. I couldn’t bear the pain of her knowing, of her finding out that I f*cked up once again. I was a f*cking coward. I couldn’t have her see me get sick and know the reason behind it. I honestly used to take the edge off, but today was the first time that I wanted to use to cope with all the emotional bullshit.

I wanted her to know the truth. I wanted to say all of this to her. To know every last secret, every last lie, every last demon in my f*cked up existence. To finally be honest with her like I should have done before I relapsed following the miscarriage. But I couldn’t get the words to come out of my mouth. I could barely form any coherent thoughts, the overpowering crave to use took over my mind, body and soul.

My nose started running, my teeth chattered, my body locked up. The hot and cold sweats were kicking in, creeping upon my skin. It wouldn’t take long for the nausea and the cramping to hit either. Turning me into the man with no desire for anything, other than taking away the pain from my body betraying me.

As I betrayed her.

The irony was not lost on me.

“Baby, please…” I begged not knowing what for, as I leaned over, placing my hand on my stomach.

There were so many tears coming down Briggs’ face that I could barely see her eyes anymore. Her beautiful smile replaced with nothing but agonizing pain and despair.

“Please what, Austin? What are you jonesing for? What can I enable you with now?”

“Briggs…” I rasped, clearing my throat that felt like it was closing up on me.

Fighting back the ache in my bones. Willing my body not to betray me any further.

Betray her.

“For the longest f*cking time I blamed myself for doing this to you. For bringing you into this lifestyle, practically shoving drugs at you,” she admitted with her head bowed.

The hurt from withdrawing and seeing her like this was causing me to die a little more inside. She slowly looked up at me, her hair falling away from her tear-streaked face.

With nothing, but emptiness in her eyes.

“I kept telling myself that you would have never become an addict if I wasn’t there to enable you. That I am truly the cause of your demise. This is one of my biggest excuses I use to forgive you over and over again. It’s one that I’m battling with right now as I sit here looking at the man that is supposed to love me, trying to find him under all his cluster f*ck of lies. All I see is the man that has been lying to me for the last year and a half! I don’t know who you are anymore, and I’m starting to think I never did.”

“Jesus Christ, Briggs…”