Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4)(110)

“They said we could try again in a few months. I don’t have to go back on the pill. We could try—”

He squeezed my hand stopping me from continuing.

“Yeah…” I breathed out, leaning my pounding head back on the headrest to aimlessly look out the window.

Watching the streetlights and trees blur by.

Home was the last place I wanted to be, but we ended up going there anyway. Austin made me some tea and grabbed a beer from the fridge. Sitting beside me on the couch, he pulled me into his arms. I leaned into his embrace, fighting back my tears and the emotions threatening to surface. All his warmth was replaced by an unfamiliar frigidness.

I didn’t want to cry. I knew he was hurting, and the last thing I wanted to do was light the match to the fire that I could already smell burning. I laid my head on his shoulder, his tense arm tightly wrapped around me.

He kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry, Daisy,” he murmured, letting his lips linger there.

I didn’t know what he was apologizing for, and I was too scared to ask.

“It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.”

My resolve was starting to break the tighter he held me against his cold body. It felt like all his warmth left with our baby. As if he was waiting for me to breakdown, waiting for me to lash out, waiting for something that maybe didn’t have anything to do with me. I was so worried about him that I couldn’t even contemplate what just happened. I couldn’t mourn the loss of our baby because I was terrified that I would soon mourn the loss of the man sitting beside me.

The one that took years to make it back to me.

Loving an addict was like being on a roller coaster with no seat belt on. You had no idea when it was going to turn. You’re just confused, disoriented, fearful, praying...

All you could do was hang on for dear life and hope that it didn’t kill you.

“Do you think—” He stopped himself, leaning over me to grab his beer from the table.

“What?” I peered up at him. “What were you going to say?”

He wouldn’t look at me. Not for one second. He shook his head, taking a swig of his beer. Polishing it off with one gulp.

He didn’t need to say it. I knew what he was thinking.

“It’s no one’s fault, Austin. You heard the doctor. He said these things just happen, usually for no reason at all. Please don’t blame yourself.”

“It’s not me I’m blaming.”

I tried to jerk free, but he held me tighter into his chest.

“Baby, I didn’t mean it to come out like that. I just… I love you… we can do whatever you want. You want to try for another baby, I’ll give you whatever you want,” he said with a tone void of any emotion, still blankly staring at the wall in front of us.

It hurt immensely that he couldn’t even look at me. He wasn’t able to look me in the eyes and tell me what he really meant by that.

“Austin—”

“Briggs, stop. I’ll hold you for as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere. I can promise you that. I just can’t talk right now, okay? I just want to sit here with you in my arms. I just want to feel you. That’s all.”

Tears threatened to surface as I bowed my head in defeat. He lightly skimmed his fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes holding onto the love we shared, the last four years, the first four of our relationship, the memories, anything I could cling onto for hope.

Exhaustion won the battle I was fighting. I fell asleep silently crying in Austin’s arms on the couch. I woke up from a dream, except before I even opened my eyes I realized I was alone. My memory blanket securely placed on top of me. The darkness from the outside world was shadowing in through the sliding glass doors.

Revealing the truths I already knew.

I whipped the blanket off of me, needing to find him. My feet moved on their own accord to the room that was going to be our baby’s. I just had a feeling that I would find him there.

As soon as I walked in I saw him, his demons prevailed. My fears went unheard. He didn’t even try to hide it. I don’t know if that was better or worse. He peered up at me with his vacant constricted pupils.

His blue eyes so illuminated.

So hollow.

So. Fucking. High.



<>Austin<>



I tried.

I swear to God on our love. On Briggs’ life. On our unborn babies.

I. Fucking. Tried.

I sat there for hours holding her, praying that it would be enough to keep me strong. To hold me together. To hold me back from what was calling for me, what my mind and body craved. After she passed out, I still sat there not wanting to let her go. Letting the night’s events play out in my head, trying to understand what it all meant.

When I saw the blood in between her legs, it didn’t even register in my mind what was going on. I just wanted to get her to the emergency room to make sure she was okay. Not once did I think that it could be our baby. The thought never crossed my f*cking mind. When the doctor confirmed it was a miscarriage, my whole life flashed before my eyes.

In seconds.

And I’m not talking about the life I was currently leading. From that moment I felt it.

My sobriety.

My recovery.

My demons were emerging from the darkness, sitting right on my goddamn shoulder, whispering, lurking, and f*cking waiting.