Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4)(106)

Taking me further down the path of destruction.

My body was shaking.

My heart was breaking.

I couldn’t take it anymore, it was too much, and it was too f*cking real. I peered back up at Briggs with my arms out in the air beside me.

Defeated.

Once again, f*cking defeated.

With nothing but my remorse, my shame, my guilt.

“Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I like being this f*cking weak? This big of a goddamn *? Do you think I want to f*cking live like this, Briggs? I hate myself right now! I hate that just watching you hold a baby in your arms can do this to me! Can make me run back to the one thing that will take you away from me! The one thing that f*cking matters the most in my life! I don’t know how to be any other way! I don’t know how to feel, to cope and be f*cking normal! Even though it’s all I want! I want that more than anything!” I yelled, struggling to keep it together.

“I can’t do this anymore, Briggs! I can’t f*cking live like this! I feel like I’m dying, baby. I feel like I’m f*cking dying! Every time you look at me the way you are right now. Every time I know that I have hurt you again! Fucking disappointed you! I didn’t think I could hate myself as much as I do right now! And I don’t know what to do! To make it better for me… for you!” I cried, broken, f*cked-up tears falling down the sides of my face.

“Please… please… f*cking help me. I don’t want to lose you, baby. I can’t live without you. I f*cking love you! But I know…” I sobbed so hard my body shuddered to the core.

Taking down the last bit of strength I had. The last bit of courage that was left in me.

The last part of Austin.

I fell to my knees in pain. I couldn’t take it anymore and started bawling harder. I sobbed for the first time in front of Briggs, in front of the woman who was trying to save my life, while I just kept trying to destroy it.

My resolve broke like a chain that had been stretched to the max. I heard it snap loud and clear. Shattering into a million pieces, blending into the sand along with my demons. Except the shackles that were tied around my soul, my heart, and my mind were now secured tighter, restraining, pressing in so f*cking deep. So f*cking intensely, to the point of blinding agony. Dragging Briggs right along with me.

I was killing her as much as I was killing myself.

Our love was bleeding, oozing from the shackles, hammering out of me with each passing second placed between us. I could physically feel it deteriorating away, piece by piece.

I placed my hand over my heart desperately trying to keep it together. To keep our love where it’s supposed to stay forever, but it was too late. I couldn’t stop it, and for the first time I was terrified that it would never let me go.

“I know that if I keep using, if I keep going down this road, I’m going to die, and I don’t want to f*cking die,” I bellowed, shaking my head. “That’s not an option. I’m not trying to die. But I don’t know how to f*cking break free from the demon that lurks in my shadow. Seeing what I saw tonight, you with baby Bo, broke my heart again. I needed to numb the pain, even if it was only for a few minutes.” I looked up at her with a trembling lip, struggling to continue. “I saw her again. Our daughter standing right in front of me with so much sadness in her eyes. Not smiling like all the times before. She took one look at me and shook her head, Briggs. My own drug-infected illusion was disappointed in me. Then she was gone, she vanished.”

My body fell forward burying my face in my hands letting everything out.

Every last part of me.

“I don’t know what to do, Briggs! I wish I could be stronger for you. For us! I wish I could be the man you fell in love with. But I don’t know how! Every single day is a struggle for me to stay sober, and I don’t think it’s ever going away. As much as I want it to… as much as I pray… it’s apart of me now. AND IT WON’T LET ME GO! I thought leaving New York and coming here would eliminate the triggers, but it hasn’t. Please God! Please… f*cking help me!”

She didn’t waver, getting down on her knees to hold my crumbling body in her arms. I went willingly, needing comfort, needing solace.

Needing her.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Please help me, Daisy… please God help me. Please, please.... Take away this f*cking pain in my heart. I need you, baby, I need you like I need f*cking air to breath. I'm nothing without you! NOTHING! Please… just f*cking help me!”

“It’s going to be okay, Austin. I’m here,” she wallowed, her heart breaking for me.

I sobbed harder, my face tucked in to her chest with my arms wrapped tightly around her. She was the only thing keeping me together, even though there wasn't much left of my hollow existence.

Everything changed that night on the beach.

Briggs took me home, and I slept in her arms all night. Knowing that after tonight I wouldn’t get to hold her for a while. She woke up early the next morning, and I stayed in bed for as long as I could. Battling between my craving to go use and my desire to stay with her. Thank God…

My love for her won.

She checked me into rehab.

And I went willingly.





Chapter 32





<>Austin<>



Four years later